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Moving on after 2 years his spouse passed away

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 1 day ago by bittergaymarkBittergaymark.
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  • #961838 Reply
    avatarCynthia
    Guest

    For the last four months I’ve reconnected with someone back from my high school days. We have been talking every single day but have only seen each other a couple times in public because of the COVID19. My problem is this. He would like me to start visiting him at his house but I’m very uncomfortable with the fact that after 2 years, his deceased wife’s closet has remained untouched and he has photos of her throughout the house and a large poster size one in his livingroom. Plus an alter with some of her personal effects. I am very uncomfortable about going over there to the point it seems creepy even though he tells me he’s ready to move on to start a new relationship. He was married over 10 years and they had no children together. I told him how I feel but he feels I’m being unreasonable. I don’t feel comfortable going over there to the point it seems creepy. I don’t feel he is ready to move on. Am I unjust about how I feel?

    #961846 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    For what its worth i think you’re being unreasonable too. You’re asking him to scrub his dead wife from the home they shared for someone he’s still in the beginning stages of a relationship with. Are you the type of person who doesn’t want to ever be reminded their partner had previous relationships? It would probably be a better use of your time to overcome that than to demand this guy purge his wife’s belongings. You’re not 20 anymore. The people you’re trying to date have had significant relationships before you. Denying that is pointless

    #961848 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    If you don’t feel he’s ready to move on, then do not date him. Seriously, don’t pass go if you’re not comfortable with him having his late wife’s stuff in the house and he’s not comfortable with getting rid of it. You’re creeped out, he thinks you’re unreasonable… you two should not be dating. It’s not going to work.

    Are you unjust about how you feel? Maybe you’re not entirely realistic in thinking someone must purge all visual reminders of their late spouse in order to be “ready” to date again, yes. But it doesn’t matter because that’s how you feel. We’re not going to change that.

    And just out of curiosity… why can’t he come to your house?

    #961849 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    So…you won’t even go over there with the current situation in his house? I mean, it’s not like he has asked you to move in, right?

    What seems creepy about having reminders about his deceased wife? It’s been only two years. To me, that doesn’t seem like very long at all.

    If you were in a relationship with him with good rapport, maybe you could gently ask him to relocate the shrine with the poster.

    If you were about to move in, you could ask to help him, or her family to go through and pack up her clothes together to make room for you. Maybe that could happen.

    But he is just asking you to visit him right now. If you honestly can’t handle seeing her face in his home for your short stay, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. I don’t know whether this stems from jealousy or what, exactly, is creepy about this- but you don’t seem to have enough empathy for his grief and struggles. You don’t seem to be a good match.

    #961850 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    I think its bizarre how so many women think they are in a losing competition with the dead.

    Do guys pull ever this bullshit?

    I dunno. Maybe they do but I sure don’t ever hear much about it.

    #961853 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yes, guys pull this same bullshit and are uncomfortable with memorabilia of exes. Why does everything have to be characterized as something women do but men don’t, or vice versa? This is just basic stuff that happens in heterosexual relationships and is not specific to a gender.

    Sometimes I give advice where I say “guys often do X,” but I don’t mean that women don’t. I am giving my perspective on what I’ve seen or heard about straight guys doing in relationships.

    #961856 Reply
    avatarbondgirl
    Guest

    Do guys ever pull this bullshit? Oh hell yes they do! Check out the Reddit page for AITA, there’s a number of threads on there related to this exact same issue. Insecure feelings about a dead spouse knows no gender, plenty of gay and straight couples get jealous over honoring a dead husband/wife.

    #961857 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    We certainly never get letters about it. Have we ever gotten a one from somebody saying their boyfriend was demanding such?

    #961858 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster
    #961859 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster
    #961861 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    If you’ve only seen each other twice, and it was in public, how do you know he has an “altar” at his house? Is he walking around his house and showing you this stuff while you facetime?

    #961862 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    My brother in law was murdered three years ago (the anniversary is on Monday, so it’s feeling pretty raw right now.) His widow has dated two guys, very briefly in the time since and both of them had some issues with it. I think she’s kind of over dating right now because of that. Granted, he was an amazing guy and died protecting his daughter, so that’s a lot to live up to, (not that it was ever an expectation to.)

    My point is, guys are just as prone to this weird thing.

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