Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My 19 y/o son dropped out of college and now his only "goal" is to be waiter.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My 19 y/o son dropped out of college and now his only "goal" is to be waiter.

This topic contains 65 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lana 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 66 total)
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  • #766691 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    She had a 4.0 in a liberal arts major and a 179 LSAT score—pretty sure Legally Blonde didn’t skew anything. Your perspective could use a close up though, might want to take a look at that.

    #766718 Reply
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    ron

    Two things not yet commented upon. First I think son is looking for a life in which he can function normally and not be impeded by his learning disability. Second, his actions suggest he also wants to pretend that he doesn’t have a learning disability. If he acknowledges it and gets diagnosis, possibly meds from a doctor, when he returns to college he will be entitled to special assistance, which will help him to successfully complete his program of study. A major/career needs to be chosen with care, because these compensatory benefits which can get one through study of a major, aren’t provided in the world of work. A lot of professional, college grad careers remain possible. Neurosurgeon does not and LW is needlessly stressing her son and precluding the search for a viable career path by dwelling on that. She needs to walk away from her fixation upon careers her son will never be able to do (neurosurgery requires intense focus, sometimes for hours at a time) and find things which interest her son and which he is able to do, both as a major and a career. He needs to get the extra help he can in college to pass the hurdle and get his degree, so that he can then move forward in a career in which his ADHD won’t be a bar.

    #767388 Reply
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    Stillrunning

    Neither of my smart, capable kids went to college. Do I wish they had because it may have given them better employment opportunities? Yes. Do I love them any less? No.

    #769466 Reply
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    Sarah

    “I way too embarassed to let my family and friends know what has happened, most of their kids are away at college, getting educations, making friends and having fun…my son is just the loser guy working a cr ap job and sitting by himself in his apartment by himself.”

    Yeah, this is the problem with your attitude. You’re not expressing concern that he’s given up on his dreams, concern about his long term financial stability, concerns about why he’s lost so many friendships and not made new ones – instead, you’re embarressed and calling him names. I agree that his behaviour sounds worrisome, but how his life choices imapct your image is kind of irrelevant.

    Maybe he just needs some time off. My little sister got an associates degree with the attitude of “If a D is passing that’s good enough,” went and worked for 1 year at a minimum wage job under the false impression that it would allow her to move out of our parents house into her own place, get a new car, et c. Then realized that minimum wage is bullshit, and the job was bullshit, and went back to school and complained that a B+ in a ballet class was bringing down her GPA. Sometimes life experience is more useful than a rude lecture could ever be.

    Get over yourself and your judgement. Try to repair your relationship with your son and figure out why he’s changed courses so drastically, and support him in any positive directions he takes (which DOES include taking low-paying but better jobs if that’s what he wants!). The goal as a parent is to raise a self-sufficient and happy adult, not a show pony you can brag about.

    #770305 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Doctors used to make a lot of money comparatively speaking, and many doctors still make a good living. However, doctors today net far less because of rising costs to manage insurance and their practice (maintain records, privacy and deal with insurance). My single practitioner GP employs one full and two part time services to manage appointments, records, bills and computer. Loans and debts are heavy. Expectations are high.

    You know how much a good plumber or electrician can make in a year? And when you compare to the costs to learn, apprentice and get certified, if my nieces or nephews said they were inclined to that path – I’d be thrilled for them.

    Waiting tables is not the end of the world. If anything, he’ll learn how to treat people better than he’s being treated. A good percentage of waitstaff get treated like crap every day.

    #840125 Reply
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    Rhee Lever

    He’s a host and wants to be a waiter. When he’s a waiter, he’ll want to be a supervisor, and then a manager. He is getting on with his life, in his own way. Stop trying to re-live your life through him. After reading your remarks to the comments, it seems to be quite obvious where he gets his poor reaction to criticism from.

    #840267 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    People have value even without fancy educations and fancy jobs.

    Also, 19 is young. There is plenty of time in case he gets sick of the restaurant industry and wants to do something else.

    I say this as someone who has watched many college students waste piles of money trying to pursue a degree they don’t want and cannot make themselves get.

    #840422 Reply
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    PDX816

    Keep up that nasty attitude LW and you’ll solve your problem by driving your son out of your life. Then you just need to explain why your son won’t talk to you, have fun with that. Trust me, I had that relationship with my own mother, and after two years of not talking she has finally learned to at least keep her opinions to herself. Her wake-up call came when I screamed at her while sobbing that knowing my own mother wasn’t proud of things I loved in life was like a knife in my heart. Be better because if I were talking to your son I would tell him to cut you off and not look back. A relationship with verbally abusive, angry, nasty parents isn’t required in life.

    #844798 Reply
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    Vicky

    I’ve been fighting the change that happened with with my son at 19. He dropped out of college and got married. I was not ready for the change. A year plus later after he dropped out of school and got married, I have to learn to ride the wave otherwise I will be stuck on shore hoping for something out of my reach, some future that will never happen. I have no choice but to go through a recovery phase! I’m sad, he will never be home again! I have to give myself permission to grief instead of trying to solve his situation! I’m experiencing a loss, I know I have to feel it, mourn and move on. I know my job now is to embrace the changes, let him go to make his own mistakes and learn from them. I cannot be the rescuer! To except the change is the beginning of letting go. It is something every parent must do sooner or later. I’m a work in progress but a year and 5 months later after they got married, I’m committed to except the change. I have a ways to go but I’m committed so I know I will get there! No time line but I will get there!

    #845141 Reply
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    Sliced potato

    You woman sound like you have been a narcissistic parent and it’s not your child who needs therapy it’s you. Most narcissistic parents assume that there children are born with a disorder or some kind of “dreadful attitude and ungratefulness” as they expect there children to be “perfect” in a certain kind of way which they think is the normal way of life but in real sense is Brocken as there is no perfect kind of way to live life.

    You care way too much about your child making your image stand out by getting the “prestigious degree” and you forget that your child needs emotional support, love and care. This says a lot from you and as from the look of things you are controlling and want your son to do as you say which never works in any kind of relationship, You have a low self-esteem and worth because you cry because of your child’s future yet when you come to think of it the child is the one who is supposed to be horrified by the idea that he has dropped out and not stable financially and also you want “friends and possibly other people” to verify your son’s success and boast about it so that others would feel what you are probably feeling right now.

    You also seem to have no hobby, not passionate about anything and also have bad or no relationship with a potential mate as this would keep you from thinking too much about your son’s failures and about your success and also help you see through his eyes.
    Narcissistic parents controlling and unnaturing behaviour tends to affect there child’s psychology as parents of this nature have little to no empathy and it makes their children think they are not good enough which leads to social anxiety which explains the home staying and isolation from others and some other phycological disorders.

    These type of parents are also have no anger management and just probably you throw out verbally abusive words when he does the smallest inevitable mistake like a glass of milk slipping from his hands and breaking on the floor. This also makes it nearly impossible to connect emotionally with your child and making proper conversations and might make your child also rant and respond in a really really really bad way.

    Children grow up thinking what they have been feed up by people who say they have had more experience on this world than them until they learn the truth themselves and mostly their parents. Starting from religious beliefs down to the food they eat. No one is born with a certain character trait, well maybe am not a scientist, but I think we are shaped by our own passed experiences and our surrounding and so never call your child ungrateful cause his behaviour might be as a result of your own flaw. I am not that experienced but am only 19 years old but learnt this from a friend who was undergoing through a narcissistic drama with a single mom. The mother would rant and shout every time she came home about how ungrateful her son was and that she had sacrificed her relationships (Not getting intimate) and other stuff in order to shape a bright future for her son. The son got fed up decided to leave the house one day only to be found dead in a cowshed (He had committed suicide). Ps he was a close friend of mine and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the same traumatising ordeal.

    No one is more experienced in life than the rest of the herd, different people have different expertise in different fields and one might die without ever knowing the “Bernoulli’s principal” and still be as rich as hell and live a full filling life. Kids these days are smart and start businesses on their own and even get jobs.

    One thing parents have to understand is that your child owes you absolutely nothing and the best way for a parent to raise a child is by taking care of themselves and knowing that a child is not an extension of themselves but their own beings with their own ambitions and parents should be there to support those ambitions and passions wether it is college related or not. Their is a difference between obeying your parent and honouring your parent (HE DOESN’T HAVE TO HONOUR YOU WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE BUT STILL GIVE YOU YOUR RESPECT AS A PARENT)

    Fix yourself before you can fix somebody else!

    #848802 Reply
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    JamCoco

    Hi Sue,

    If you are still reading these post today, I was just wondering how is your son doing a year later? My 19 year old son just came to me and said pretty much the same thing, that he is dropping out of college to work for a while and get an apartment with his friend. He is currently working two part time job. Said his only desire now is to work on creating/making videos, that I have no idea what he is talking about. So, I understand how you felt. I’m not sure how to approach this.

    #850479 Reply
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    Ellie

    It’s okay to be disappointed in your son. Just don’t give up on him…He is still young, so help him as best you can.

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