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My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

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  • #852538 Reply

    I used to be friends with my best friend’s (let’s call him D) ex gf (let’s call her A). We’re not anymore…

    I love them both and I will NOT, I repeat, I WILL NOT, choose sides. Please do not try to make me. I just want peace. Basically they were together on and off for 3 years. He abused her mentally and physically. A’s father died when they were together, which saddened not only her, but D, too. It became a unhealthy relationship. A also had anxiety which put more strain on their relationship. D also lost his job for a whole year that time. D was going through so much stress with life and being with A and he let it control his anger. He lost control and ended up accidentally abusing her…

    They broke up officially 2 years ago and went no contact. I loved them both, and I believed D could change. It bothered A that I remained friends with D. I get it but I am MY OWN PERSON who can be friends with who ever I want. She cut me off a year ago… she ignores me now. I feel like shit… she got a new boyfriend 2 years ago, and they are still together today. I hope she’s happy. Her boyfriend is my colleague and I can tell he hates me. It fucking hurts… so bad… I sort of hate him… but as long as she’s happy. D will find someone too… someone better for him too.

    I have been supporting D through his journey of healing and change. He has changed tremendously. He is a much calmer and nicer person now. There were times he lashed out with friends, but with time he always gets better. Everything is peaceful.

    This is where the drama played out. So my ex boyfriend (who is friend’s with A) has been receiving harrassment through fake accounts on social media. He confronted me thinking it’s D. I am aware this is something D would do in the past, but it is THE PAST. A friendly bird told me A said that it’s probably D doing it. So I confronted her at school. I admit I was really mad. I know D better, especially since he has changed. HE WOULD NOT DO THIS. I know him well, more than A at this point. I expressed that I did not appreciate her accusing D like this. That I have the right to defend my friend, and how I thought she can be so much better than this. All I want is peace but she keeps a grudge. She reacts super mad and defensive, it was the first time I ever seen her so mad and mean. She brought up the past and things that didn’t even matter. Then she just walks away when i try to say my part…

    I get it she’s defensive. D wouldn’t leave her alone for some time after the break up but he has left her alone now, and he has MOVED ON and CHANGED.

    God I hate this drama. I hate A’s attitude and her fucking ugly boyfriend… I hate my ex… all I want is peace… but that will never happen right?

    I, in no way, support D’s abuse in the past. I support his will to change and be a better man. Please try to see my point of view…

    #852539 Reply
    avatarAnon123
    Guest

    Out of interest, how does someone “accidentally” abuse another person?

    #852540 Reply
    avatarAnon123
    Guest

    While it’s noble that you are standing by your best friend, you need to respect that A will not take this kindly. All you can do is explain to A that you do not wish to take sides or be caught up in the middle of their past relationship. If she is not happy with that then you must accept it. I don’t think that there’s anything more you can do.

    HOWEVER…

    Although you’ve said that you will not choose sides, from what you have written, it seems to me that you have already chosen D’s side. If not, why did you confront A for suggesting that it was D who was harassing your ex-boyfriend. Why did you feel it your responsibility to defend D? Is he incapable of speaking up for himself? If you were truly impartial, you would not have got involved. It is his fight, not yours.

    And again… I don’t understand how somebody can “accidentally” abuse another person.

    #852541 Reply
    mrmidtwentiesmrmidtwenties
    Participant

    You don’t get to tell a victim of abuse how she should feel about her abuser. There’s no accidental abuse. If you want away from the drama, you should probably cutoff contact with everyone. And yeah, her new boyfriend probably hates you because you stood by the abuser and not the victim, that’s a pretty shitty thing to do and he has every right to hate you for it.

    #852542 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    Why do I think the LW Is D?

    #852544 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Yes, you’ve chosen a side. You’re defending someone who physically harmed another person, emotionally harmed another person, and then apparently harassed/stalked her after the breakup. You made a choice. Choices have consequences, and in this case the consequence is the loss of your friendship with A and the people who care about her. Deal with it.

    #852545 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    There is…a lot wrong with this post, LW. First of all, it is impossible to “accidentally” abuse someone. It is definitely impossible to accidentally do it for years. Secondly, abusers don’t lose control. That is a really common refrain, but abuse is all about control. Was he flipping out in public, beating on the cashier at the grocery store, screaming horrible insults at the guy taking his movie ticket? Or only doing that to his girlfriend behind closed doors? Abusers know exactly what they’re doing, they are very much in control, and the “I lost control” narrative is a tool to allow them to keep doing it and avoid taking responsibility. Thirdly, research shows abusers almost never get better. They get worse. Partly because the mental problems underlying their abuse (antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.) are extremely resistant to treatment. You say your friend is better, what exactly did he do to get better? Extensive therapy, anger management, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication? Or is he just magically better?

    Your “friend” A escaped her abuse with her life. That is a big fucking deal. So many don’t and are killed by their abuser in the process. And you resent her because she has lingering negative feelings about the man who abused her during and after the death of her father? You hate her boyfriend because he hates the man who hurt the woman he loves, and he (understandably) doesn’t want much to do with the people who support him? As Anon said, it’s clear you actually did pick a side. A has every right to say she thinks D did the stalking. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, and as
    I said above if D has changed he’s beaten the odds and is literally one in a million. Frankly, you yourself don’t sound mentally healthy. You hate an innocent woman’s “fucking ugly boyfriend” because he supports the woman he loves, you resent that your friend cut you out when you chose to stay close with her abuser, and you seem to think this is all somehow about you and somehow unfair. LW, it’s clear you don’t know much about the cycle of abuse. I strongly recommend you check out http://www.thehotline.org and educate yourself. I also strongly suggest you limit your contact with D. Also, counselling. You’re making questionable choices and don’t seem very happy. You seem jealous of A and her loving relationship. Talk to a therapist.

    #852546 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Seriously, your attachment to D is weird. Being this close to a guy you know to be an abuser does not reflect well upon you. You want to imagine that D has actually changed, but nothing you wrote suggests that. So, there were times he angrily lashed out at friends, but with time he always gets better. So, the angry outbursts have continued. I can imagine they would get more heated and abusive with a gf than with a friend. And angry outbursts almost always calm down with time. Really, you seem determined to enable D’s bad behavior. It sounds like you have a romantic interest in him. It also sounds like he’s a terrible person.

    #852547 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    What Essie (and pretty much everyone else) said. As for what you do now? Nothing. Because it actually has nothing to do with you. Your ex confronts you accusing D of something you don’t know whether he did (sorry, you don’t)? Tell him to take it up with D. You don’t want or need to be involved. Defending that f*cker drew you into this current drama when there’s legit no reason for to be.

    Look, I get that you really believe he’s changed. But even if that’s true (I have my suspicions), it doesn’t wipe away what he did. Just because it’s the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t still not very present for who he hurt. The pain and damage it caused A and her loved ones are probably still with her, and even if he’s a bloody saint now, she is under no obligation to forgive him. So yes, it’s reasonable she hates him. It’s reasonable she and your coworker hate you for not supporting her when she was a clear victim of abuse (and yes, maintaining D’s friendship qualifies as not supporting). That’s just a truth you’ll have to face. But what’s going on now? That’s not your fight. And continuing to defend D (especially when there’s no reason for you to be involved in the situation) to people who have every reason to still hate him is not going to make you look any better in their eyes (or ours).

    #852549 Reply

    It’s really naive that you think you know someone so well, someone else who has a history of being abusive. You’re an unreliable narrator. Did you know every time he abused her? Were you there when he stalked her? How can you really say anything about his behavior, in his personal, private life?

    At the end of the day, you did pick a side. You chose to believe he was capable of changing, and have defended him ever since.

    #852551 Reply
    TaraMonsterTaraMonster
    Participant

    No wonder abusers get away with it so often. They have people like you in their corner willing to treat their victims with contempt and perpetuate the lie that they lost control and then insist against all evidence that they “wouldn’t do something like that.”

    Of course he would do something like that. He’s an abuser.

    You want peace? Cut this guy off and apologize to A for not supporting her through a traumatizing and life-threatening situation.

    #852555 Reply

    Exactly, HE DID do those things.

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