Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 113 total)
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  • #852556 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    Well D never abused you so I don’t think it’s up to you to decide that he’s a changed man. Also, you clearly picked sides and it’s 100% on D’s.

    And what is this “peace” you’re seeking exactly – is it D’s reputation being healed and A shutting up indefinitely about the hell she went through?

    #852558 Reply
    avatardinoceros
    Member

    I don’t even know what you want from us. You didn’t really ask for any advice. You want us to trash the person who got abused? Tell you how sad we are for your tough life?

    #852561 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    This is really just a short version of my previous post, but I’ll give this dude effing advice, asked for or not.

    Advice to the OP:
    1. Stay out of the current drama.
    2. Accept and understand people will hate you for defending an abuser.
    3. Stop f*cking defending an abuser.

    #852562 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    ”Her boyfriend is my colleague and I can tell he hates me. It fucking hurts… so bad… I sort of hate him… but as long as she’s happy. D will find someone too… someone better for him too.”

    This is without a doubt ‘D’ because who in the right mind would think an abuser would find someone ‘better for him’ than the person he abused???? huh

    IF i am wrong, What answers are you looking for here? ‘A’ wants nothing to do with you and rightly so.

    You picked the abusers side of the bed so sleep in it and stop making excuses for a Jerk that would use his girlfriends fathers death as one of the reasons to ‘accidently abuse’ her.

    #852563 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    If he is D (which makes more and more sense looking at his language throughout the letter), then my advice is obviously a bit different.

    I hope you really have changed. We’re all skeptical because most abusers don’t. But I guess it might be possible. But whether you’ve changed or not doesn’t actually matter- your actions in the past have destroyed any possibility of having these people in your life. That ship didn’t sail, it effing sank. If you are cyber-stalking the guy, then stop it, you lunatic. It won’t accomplish anything except maybe get you a restraining order. Plus, it means you haven’t changed. If you aren’t, calmly maintain your innocence when accused, but don’t actively seek out or engage with any of them. With the exception of possibly interacting with your coworker for work matters only (and only when you have to), do not try to interact with any of them, whether online, in person, whatever. It’s over. They’ve made it clear they don’t want you in their life, and frankly, they’ve earned that right. Actions have consequences and often no amount of “change” can prevent that.

    #852565 Reply
    avatarTabitha_Mc
    Guest

    You’re friends with someone who you know physically abused a vulnerable woman (‘accidentally? Really? Is that what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night?). You’ve picked a side whether you like it or not, and it’s the wrong damn side. If you don’t want drama, try growing a pair and apologising to A and kick D to the kerb, then leave him to sort out his own damn mess. Right now you’re nothing more than a dishonest enabler and appeaser.

    #852567 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah, I don’t really get your unwavering attachment and clinging desperate support of D. That said — I completely understand why A now wants precious little to do with you. This is the clearest letter here in ages.

    A is clearly right.
    U are clearly wrong. (As Tabitha_Mc said, you DID pick a side)
    D is clearly an asshole.
    U are clearly nothing but a fool.

    There is simply also clearly nothing left to say.

    #852568 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    EDIT: I was wrong. There is more to be said.

    You DO NOT know that D is not harassing Your Ex. You have no real way of knowing this. If not him? Then who? Trust me, you will soon learn it is D. And then you will soon make more lame-ass excuses for D. He did it “accidentally.”

    Here’s a thought. Why don’t you “accidentally” start dating D? Honestly? I suspect the only reason this hasn’t happened is that D simply isn’t interested.

    NEWSFLASH: You are clearly wasting your time.

    “Everybody KNOWS the DAMN truth… Wake up!”

    #852569 Reply

    Look everyone… I know abuse is very wrong. Hell I was mad at D for a longest time for what he did to A. In that time I learned to forgive him because I gave him a chance to change. I’m not making excuses for his abuse sorry if it seemed that way? D definitely doesn’t deserve A I get that. I made that clear to him to help him move on and change.

    I don’t have feelings for him. He actually was the one who had feelings for me. I have a boyfriend.

    Everyone commonly seems to forget that abusers are human with friends and family that love them too… the only difference with me is I want to be friends with vmeveryone. A and D and I used to hang out with a close group of friends. I don’t hate anyone, not even A even though she hates me…

    I wrote my post when I was emotional from talking to my ex. It wasn’t a very great conversation. I have feelings too.

    Everyone says to support A, I would if she didn’t cut me off. I defend D because I know he has changed. The way A acts to us in a way hurts us. It also disregards Ds growth and change. I get everyone is against abuse but please try to understand abusers have friends too… I’m tired of drama and have to put up with As boyfriend at work too. I’m tired of it all.

    #852570 Reply

    A was also my best friend in the past. It hurts to lose someone when all you ever tried to do was help… I admit I’m brutally honest when it comes to help and A is a sensitive person. Maybe that is why she cut me off too, she didnt like hearing the truth. I wish she could just own up to her issues with confidence. I would help her with that but I can’t…

    #852571 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    You keep saying D has changed. You don’t know that though. You really truly don’t. There is zero real evidence that D has somehow miraculously changed and won’t simply “accidentally” abuse his next partner. Zero, zip, nada, none.

    More — A owes D nothing. But she owes you even less. Why? You fucking knowingly picked the asshole who fucking abused her over her. Of course she doesn’t now treat you particularly well.

    Why the fuck should she?

    Although, wait. Maybe she is “accidentally” being cruel to you. (See how absurd and silly that sounds?) Meanwhile you willfully and deliberately (and PURPOSELY) treated her like she didn’t fucking matter. Think about that. Own that. It’s who you are. It’s who you chose to be by doing what you chose to do.

    Honestly? Abusers shouldn’t “have” friends. That they do is why the abuse often continues in that there are no consequences to their actions.

    #852572 Reply

    No, the way A acts doesn’t hurt you. The way you acted and defended someone who hurt her destroyed your friendship with her. I’m surprised she even talks to you.

    Hint, when someone has been abusive they commonly lose those friends….why? Because good people don’t stand by and defend someone like that. You’re either naive, an idiot or have unrequited love for D. You don’t know the depth of his character. Please explain exactly what steps he took to “change.”

    Stay out of it. Stop antagonizing A. The only thing you should contact her for is to APOLOGIZE. Everyone says to support A. Why do you think that is? If you keep at this, you will lose more and more friends. It was never up to you to forgive him. That you think you have that power or can decide that enough time has passed for everyone else shows your true character. It doesn’t look good.

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