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Dear Wendy

My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

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  • #852573 Reply

    PS — If anybody doesn’t like hearing the truth, sweetie… it ISN’T you former friend A. NEWS-FUCKING-FLASH — It’s You!

    #852574 Reply

    If she was your best friend. YOU ARE A SHITTY FRIEND. Basically the shittiest friend you could be. Seriously, something is wrong with you if you think the best thing to do was defend her abusive ex. It’s not about you telling the truth. You aren’t telling the truth, you’re delusional. You’re the one with issues, not her. I hope you get the help you need.

    #852575 Reply

    A’s allowed to disregard D’s “growth and change.” YOU stuck by an abuser, you stuck by him and “gave him a chance” to change and forgave him. YOU don’t GET TO forgive him and absolve him of his abuse. A has nothing to be forgiven for. You want to help her with her confidence? What bs is that?! She was in a long term ABUSIVE relationship while she was exceptionally vulnerable. Screw you for thinking you can judge her and her bf. Screw you for GETTING IN HER FACE over suggesting D might be harassing someone considering that was behavior he had DONE BEFORE.

    Leave this poor woman alone. You should also seek therapy for WANTING to be friends with an abuser, for picking that side and then harassing the victim yourself YEARS later. Move on already and seek help.

    #852576 Reply

    That there is such resounding agreement in this forum that you are totally in the wrong should really give you pause.

    That rarely happens around here.

    Instead, we often have wildly different takes on the situations presented by LWs. And yet here it is pretty much unanimous.

    You. Are. Wrong.

    Now I kindly suggest you go think on that for a while.

    #852577 Reply

    To bittergaymark: I get you won’t agree with me. I hang out with D on a weekly basis so Im pretty sure I know his current well being. We also have our nightly talks to express our emotions and catch up with our lives. He expresses no hate for A and he acknowledges what he did in the past was wrong. He still gets breakdowns from the guilt and I remind him he can’t change the past but he can change his future. We are completely honest and open with each other. He has become a much calmer and nicer person compared to before. Abusers need a friend too to see the light in them to help them change.

    Anonymousse, actually D and I did not lose any friends. We just lost As friendship. All of our friends are actually not picking sides. A is the one who dropped everyone, she even dropped people who weren’t even involved. I worry she has become a recluse.

    The steps he took to change, well he took many in the last 2 years and I know this because we hang out on a weekly basis and talk everyday. He is not the same person he was before. D was also willing to drop toxic friends that hated A even though A isnt even in his life anymore.

    The drama is being thrown at me so I cant necessarily just stay out of it… i have the right to say something too even if it’s brutal and hurts… All I ever wanted was peace, how does that make me the bad person?

    #852579 Reply

    Also, i have to say how proud i am of A. She got out of an abusive relationship, which is very hard to do, especially when her supposed “best friend” is making excuses for the guy. Then she also cut out the crappy “best friend.” When you confronted her she didn’t back down she got mad, which is GREAT.

    You’re in the wrong. You’re the one getting into drama that has nothing to do with you. Leave A alone.

    #852580 Reply

    Nightly talks? You are seriously in denial about your feelings for this guy.

    #852581 Reply

    Crystal, you keep mentioning wanting peace and blaming A for not having that. What you seem to want is for A to act like she was never abused and everybody can stay friends and be fine. This is such messed up thinking. A isn’t the one who messed with the peace. D is. D is the one who was abusive and caused the “drama” the fact that you don’t get that is worrisome. That so many of your friend group “didn’t pick sides” by picking sides with an abuser and hating on the victim of abuse doesn’t speak highly of the type of people you surround yourself with.

    Abusers don’t need a friend to show them to change. Abusers need THERAPY and probably the criminal justice system.

    #852582 Reply

    You have not mentioned any steps he took to change! And you traded in one best friend for an abusive POS. That your other friends did, too says a lot about all of you. People of poor moral character. She didn’t turn her back on you, all of you took his side. When you choose to remain friends- no, get closer to the abuser, you’ve picked a side. You’ve chosen the abuser’s side. You probably broke her heart even more. You abandoned her in her time of need. That’s what makes you a terrible person, just like D. You’re a shitty friend who can’t explain how he’s done anything to change. Talking every night, hanging out is nothing. That doesn’t explain how he’s changed or how you know he’s a good person.

    You should shut your mouth and stay out of it. Being brutal with your words is not what someone who is looking for peace does. Please go see a therapist. You need help.

    #852583 Reply

    “Everyone says to support A, I would if she didn’t cut me off”
    Ahem, she cut you off WHEN YOU DIDN’T SUPPORT HER; when you actively maintained a friendship with her abuser. Why? Because he changed? Pretending that’s true, he didn’t change overnight. He couldn’t have. At best, for real change to occur, it would’ve taken months, maybe years, of intense therapy and self-reflection and demonstrated growth for real change to be achieved (and if that didn’t happen, he didn’t really change). Yet, you remained friends with him the entire time. Look, I’m pretty empathetic. I actually do believe in second chances and the possibility for change. But someone really needs to prove themselves. And until they do, I’m backing the eff off the friendship and supporting the actual victim. That’s what you should’ve done. You stayed friends with someone who hurt her. You didn’t support her, so she cut you off. Anyone sane would have. Heck, I had a friend cut me off because I hung out with her ex and the ex’s new boyfriend (we had all been friends for a long time; I didn’t want to choose, so she chose for me). And you know what? As crappy as it was to lose her friendship, I understood why. And no one abused anyone.

    “It also disregards Ds growth and change.”
    SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO GIVING A FLYING FLIP ABOUT HIS “CHANGE.” Him changing, if he did, is great, fine. It doesn’t absolve him of his actions and she doesn’t owe him forgiveness. She doesn’t owe him a damn thing. He stalked and abused her. Guess what? SHE DOESN’T CARE IF HE CHANGED. Change doesn’t change what happened to her. Again, she owes him, and you, absolutely nothing.

    #852585 Reply

    Yes, I simply do NOT believe that the abused somehow have some moral obligation to kindly forgive their abusers. I suppose, one could argue such a move could be healing — but I am not a strong supporter of that argument. Far from it.

    The person who has shattered your beloved peace is D.

    Yet you seem to still blame A for this disruption? Sorry, I simply don’t get it. NONE of us get it. Again, that should give you real pause. But I suspect it won’t.

    #852586 Reply

    actually D and I did not lose any friends. We just lost As friendship. All of our friends are actually not picking sides. A is the one who dropped everyone, she even dropped people who weren’t even involved. I worry she has become a recluse.

    I don’t think A lost any friends either. Just shitty pseudo-friends who don’t have the guts to be “non-neutral” enough to say abuse is bad.

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