Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My best friend abused his ex gf but that's in the past… now theres drama

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 113 total)
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  • #852643 Reply

    Oh, well, if he’s talked to friends about it… all better!

    #852644 Reply

    None of you are qualified to help him because you aren’t trained to. If any of you were helping him, none of you would still be part of this drama.

    If you’re in college, you likely have access to mental health counselors at the school. At the very least he should speak to them. His rage issues will not go away on their own. There are also plenty of low-cost options available as well.

    If D is serious about changing then he needs to seek help.

    #852645 Reply

    Why are you writing in? Why write in to this site instead of getting advice from your friends – you know, the ones who are capable of helping an angry abusive man resolve his issues with a wave of their magic wands. But you did write in, and, interestingly, when you did, you didn’t’ actually ask for advice – you just rambled on about how wronged you and D are.
    Do you want to know what I think? I think that ‘all’ his/their friends didn’t support him – I think the shitty people who think it’s ok for a man to abuse his GF did, and the people too stupid/naive to realise how he manipulated them into taking his side did, but the decent people, like A’s new BF, (and maybe the friend who hates y’all – because sure he dumped her because she ‘hated’ A Pfft) didn’t.
    And I think deep deep down you know you are one of the shitty ones, which is why being ‘confronted’ by decent people makes you all stressed. And you thought you could get some people to tell you that you aren’t shitty, that you are ‘different’ from the others who stuck by him because you believe in redemption and forgiveness. And them maybe, just maybe, you could silence that niggling little spark of conscience that is so inconvenient to your peace of mind.
    But nope – you are one of the shitty people who support an abuser instead of their victim, one of the shitty people who trash the reputation of the victim, one of the shitty people who make excuses for the abuser (his father beat him up -boohoo, her father died and it made *him* upset – boo fucking hoo for him) and blame his victim.
    People like you are the reason so many abusers feel free to keep abusing – because they know the social costs will be minimal. So either accept that that is the sort of person you are, or tell D to get the fuck out of your life and work at being a better person.

    #852647 Reply

    There’s no solution to be had here. A wants nothing at all to do with you or D, and it’s time for both of you to face that. It doesn’t matter what old bad friends D drops, literally nothing he does will make any difference. Nor should it. No matter how he’s changed, if he’s truly changed, she has her own life story to tell and in that he’s her former abuser. Good for her for finding a good boyfriend, for daring to trust anyone enough to do that after she’s been through. Many abuse victims never dare to trust anyone enough to be in a relationship again, or feel they don’t deserve better and leave one abuser for another.

    You’re on a small college campus where it’s hard to avoid each other, but if you truly want out of the drama, just ignore A completely. You’ll get peace by leaving her in peace. You won’t get peace if you keep doing what you have, trying to regain your friendship with A. You lost her because you sided with D, her abuser. It’s not something you can ever change, so quit trying already. Leave her alone and maybe you’ll find some peace.

    You’re 22, which means that you should soon be out of college, hopefully with a decent Bachelor’s degree. I assume you’re in the US, a big country. Soon you’ll all scatter to the four winds and none of you need to see each other ever again, unless you want to. I’m betting A doesn’t want to.

    Just leave her alone, both you and D. A is under no obligation to accept D’s apologies, no matter how sincere. Quite frankly, long, rambling apology letters are worthless, because they’re usually all about the wrongdoer wanting to feel better about himself or herself. If A at some point wants to forgive D for her own peace of mind, that’s one thing. But she’s under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to accept D’s apology to make him feel better, and it’s time both you and D realized that.

    As long as you’re still in college, you should both go see whatever mental health services are available there. D needs professional help in anger management, at the very least. You seen to need help facing an uncomfortable truth, that you were a bad friend to A and she’s not willing to forgive you for it.

    #852649 Reply

    You know how you end all this? You walk away and stop running your mouth to people and sitting there with D (ahem) rehashing all this shit that has nothing to do with you. If you were truly sick of THE DRAMAH you wouldn’t be talking about it, you wouldn’t be confronting anyone and you wouldn’t be inserting yourself so personally into D’s bullshit. As we say in Australia: turn it up. You’re not some world-weary soldier who just wants peace, you’re absolutely fucking gleeful at being centre stage.

    #852652 Reply

    So if D is reading this, we can speak to him directly…

    I was that abused partner – both physically and emotionally. It was not ‘accidental’ simply because he lost control; he was an adult and responsible for his actions. We all get angry. Not all of us use this anger to hit out at a woman, or choke her until she passes out. This is a *choice* to manifest hate and fury in a physical form. Nearly twenty years later I still get nightmares; still need counselling.

    Nothing will make this right, or fix it or absolve you from your sins, or whatever you’re seeking. An apology (you wrote a letter? Wow. That should sort things…) is the start of the process, not the end, and until you’ve undergone counselling and actually faced up to the enormity of what you’ve done in a structured and totally honest way (not chatting to your mates, or the mentor at work who’s actually there for discussing professional issues, not having a bit of a natter about those times you physically injured the person who loved you) you have done NOTHING to prove you’re a ‘changed man’. Keep away from women, keep away from relationships until you’ve gone through this so hard that you can feel it in your soul.

    In the meantime, enjoy the company of your enabling ‘friend’ who wrote this letter – you can pretend all you like that you’ve ‘done all you can’ and that you’re sorry, but every person reading this knows that’s bullshit, and deep down, so do you.

    #852653 Reply

    Ok, except that you literally *do* have all the answers about abuse and harassment in this case. D abused A. D is still pedaling a story where he lost control of his anger and “accidentally” abused A, which history tells us is a lie because at no point did he lose control and abuse a teacher at school, or the campus cop, or anyone where there would be actual consequences for the abuse or would imply he had some sort of legit mental break and had actually lost control. D has received no mental health services of any kind or any effective means of treatment that would lead to genuine, sustained change. Despite the fact that those services are generally available on a college campus for free. He’s paid a lot of lip service to people who want to be his friend anyway.

    You do understand that for A staying away from D is literally life or death? That it is very reasonable to assume D sent those messages and verbally attacking an abuse victim was harassment, as well as utterly abhorrent. That a responsible course of action on A’s part right now would be to file restraining orders against both you and D (if you are in fact different people).

    You don’t seem to understand that abuse victims, for their own actual, physical safety and to stay alive, need to put as much distance between themselves and their abuser as possible, forever. That while she is connected to D she is at risk of him “losing control” (barf) and killing her ala Nicole Brown Simpson. That it is not, at all, in her best interest to stay friends with someone who is friends with him and especially someone who insisted, as you did, in talking to her about her abuser and forcing on her that he has “changed”. For the third time, you need help. Avail yourself of your campus’s free mental health services, even if D refuses to.

    #852654 Reply

    You keep saying you want a ‘solution’ but you arent willing to listen to what every single person in here has said to you?!

    Much like an abuser, the only soloution your looking for is the one that comforts YOU in this situation.

    The reason D is so desperate for A to accept his appology is because currently his ego is bruised, your an idiot and the only reason he keeps you around is because you tell him what he wants to hear.

    Tell D to stick his sorry letters and appologies up his sorry arse.

    You on the other hand need to accept A is never going to want jack shit to do with you or your ‘friend’ group again. Good riddence.

    Like everyone has said. LEAVE HER ALONE. So your solution, as you clearly need us to spell it out for you: You live happily ever after in ‘Ds’ manipulative little bubble and stop focusing on the progress that A is making in her life because trust me, since cutting you dead beats off she is doing just fine.

    #852656 Reply

    Leave her alone and make an appointment with the counselor at your school. You need help. D needs to actually put in the labor to change. More than talking to his shitty, enabling friends.

    #852658 Reply

    After being away from the computer, I’m just catching up after being vocal on this thread (at least for me), and all I can say is, wow, I can’t even…

    Actually, no. I will post one more time than I’m done with this f*ckers.

    D, since you’re reading this- I really hope you have changed. Without actually seeking therapy, I doubt it, but for optimism’s sake, okay. It doesn’t matter. Not to A. You will not get her back. You will not be in her life. No matter what you do. Your actions, no matter how sorry you might be, have consequences. Those are the consequences. Please, you’ve done enough to this poor, brave girl- leave her the eff alone.

    Crystal, actually, same advice- you have done enough to this poor girl; leave her the eff alone.

    As to both your reputations, well, that ship has also sank. Both of you did some really unconscionable things, and again, actions have consequences. Like was said, you’ll all graduate soon and start over with your semi-adult lives. Hopefully, you’ll both be better people when you do.

    And fark, really listen to the fact that we are all in agreement about this. Heck, do you know how rare it is for me to actually agree with BitterGayMark? I mean, he’s one of my favorite posters because he’s smart and can be hilarious, but I rarely ever actually agree with him. We are all speaking a truth. Listen.

    #852660 Reply

    Crystal, what are you getting out of all of this drama? You wouldn’t be in these nightly emotional sessions with D if you weren’t getting something out of it. Is it the need to be needed? Are you getting friendship? Intense emotional connection? Something else? You are getting something out of spending so much time talking to D. The trouble with it is you are emotionally invested in a destructive relationship. You and D keep rehashing his relationship with A which just keeps it alive and current for the two of you even though A moved on two years ago. The two of you need to let that relationship die because it actually ended two years ago. It’s you and D keeping it alive in your minds that is the problem. If D had actually grown he would have moved on by now and wouldn’t have this intense need to go over his relationship with A every single day.

    You both need to get counseling. You are both stuck in an emotionally destructive loop. You both feed into it and feed off of it. You need to go to the counseling services on campus and start talking to someone who can give real advice that will help you get past this relationship. You can’t let D’s two year dead relationship be your focus day after day. It isn’t healthy for you.

    #852661 Reply

    About the letters that D wrote.

    Writing letters is for the benefit of the writer. They allow the writer to pour out their thoughts and emotions. It is a way to work through a situation. That is as far as the letters should go. They begin and end with the writer.

    Trying to get the victim to read the letters just becomes more abuse. It is a method of trying to force contact with someone who has gone no contact. It is highly manipulative. It is a way to try to force new interaction at a point where there is no interaction. If she actually read the letters then there would be the demand that she get together to talk about the letters followed by the demand that she forgive the letter writer followed by the demand that we are all friends again so the abused should hang out with the letter writer which would be followed by she should be his girlfriend again.

    No contact means no contact. Respect that. If you care about A at all then you will quit trying to foster any interaction between her and D.

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 113 total)
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