- This topic has 112 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by Ruby Tuesday.
- September 19, 2019 at 9:22 am #852667LucidityGuest
“I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t get what is so hard to understand that people who have made horrible mistakes (like abuse) have friends and family of their own too.”
Throughout this thread, you have been clinging to some grave misconceptions.
Abuse is not a “mistake.” It is a sign of a serious character flaw. It is a symptom of anger and control issues. Without professional help, it will crop up in D’s future relationships too.
It’s not hard for us to understand that abusers have friends and family. The world is full of people who believe abusers’ version of events, believe they have changed, or don’t want to believe that someone they care about could have behaved that way. We’re not trying to deny that abusers have friends, we’re trying to open your eyes to how those friendships enable and excuse abusers. Long talks like the ones you describe encourage their “woe is me” version of events and helps them avoid confronting their culpability. Ending your friendship with an abuser is the only choice you can make that would truly condemn their behaviour.
If you are not D and not a troll, then I’m concerned that you are at serious risk of becoming his next victim. He is attracted to you, emotionally dependant on you, and your posts here have revealed yourself to be young, naive, and easily manipulated. You should be very careful.September 19, 2019 at 9:56 am #852670ronGuest
I suggest either closing this thread or that we stop responding. Nothing is going to pierce this woman’s shell. She is either a troll or a syncophant of a sociopath, who has abandoned her best friend in her time of greatest need after being abused by sociopath bf, just so that she can remain in said sociopath’s orbit, as apparently do a lot of people on this campus. I still think troll and after this many pages well past time to stop feeding the troll.September 19, 2019 at 4:34 pm #852727MMRGuest
So I know this thread is mostly dead, but I wanted to address the fixation on a “solution”. (For the record, I 100% agree with everyone else in this thread – when I read “accidentally abused” I felt physically ill)
But as for a “solution” to the LWs dilemma:
A has found her solution: It was to completely but off her abusive ex-boyfriend and her ex-best friend who attacked her for suggesting her abusive ex was guilty of the same behaviours he had demonstrated himself capable of before.
You and D’s solution is to stop rehashing all the ways that A *should* have responded to her abusive ex, and all the ways she has *failed* to forgive and forget. THAT is the only drama remaining here, and the two of you are the ones creating it. Neither of you deserves, or is going to get, A’s forgiveness. She’s not wrong for cutting the two of you out, and you need to get over it. If you’re right and D truly has changed, he can live the rest of is life as the better person he has become without any help from A.September 19, 2019 at 7:21 pm #852742Ruby TuesdayGuest
DW Community, I am so impressed by the responses and suggestions you contributed on this thread. We live in a fucked up world that values the abusers and criminals more than our most vulnerable people. Every single person here stood up for what’s right. It gives me hope.
But not for Crystal or D. Open your fucking eyes and ears and learn to be better people. Get therapy. Now.September 20, 2019 at 2:50 am #852751BittergaymarkGuest
This is a surprisingly lively and interesting read considering that the entire group (everybody other than the LW) pretty much has the same exact point of view. Meaning that we are all just thesaurusing one another for the most part.
I honestly don’t recall when a thread around here last got such a unity in group response or reaction.
LW, seriously. Take note of that. As the message there is pretty astounding.September 20, 2019 at 1:56 pm #852764Ms.VaderGuest
As an enabler you are also responsible for the abuse. Think about that. Is that the legacy you want?September 20, 2019 at 2:16 pm #852765NicoleGuest
LW, you are vile. You have absolutely chosen sides, and your unwillingness to acknowledge that an abuser cannot accidentally abuse someone is the first indication that nothing you say here is useful. Just say that it’s okay for people you like to abuse other people and go. You do not now get to yell at A or dictate how she should feel about her abusive ex. D never abused you, so you’ve found it easier to move on from his past actions and believe that he has changed. A knows a different side of him and I’m more likely to think that her interpretation of his behavior is spot on than your own. Maybe spend less time interfering in your friends’ and ex-friends’ lives and more time working on your discernment.September 20, 2019 at 2:51 pm #852766EssieParticipant
I wasn’t really buying into the theory that the LW is D, but if they aren’t the same person, boy is LW ever displaying a classic abuser mindset: the need to WIN. To get the last word. To dominate.
That’s why abusers often stalk their victims after they leave. They can’t stand that their ex stood up to them. Said no. Won’t come back. Doesn’t need them. Doesn’t care what they want. It’s like having a big L stamped on them. They lost.
LW, if a different person, is behaving the same way. She can’t let go of the friendship with A. She needs to be told she’s right and A is wrong. She needs A to admit she was wrong and that LW knows what’s best for her after all.
LW, whether you’re D or A’s BFF – it’s over. You’ve done something A considers unforgivable, and things are never going back to the way they were. A is out of your life, and you get no say in that. Move on, and get help with your own issues.September 20, 2019 at 4:14 pm #852770saneincaGuest
Everyone covered all that needs to be said most eloquently.
if the LW is for real and not a troll (no one can be that idiotic?), here is one more thing to consider.
You are D’s best friend and you could not stop him from:
– Abusing A
– Harassing her online post breakup
– Badmouthing A to his sicko friends who then attacked her publicly
Then what makes you think you can/should stop A from badmouthing D to your ex ?
She has every reason and every right to treat D as the scumbag he is. You don’t get to control how she deals with D.
You need to stay the fuck out of it.September 20, 2019 at 6:05 pm #852773HazelGuest
hope anyone who reads this site who has experienced partner abuse and found a few friends to be fake in the face of it feels comforted by all the responses here. It’s very heartening indeed. If A is brave enough to speak out, good for her.Might make the next potential victim of D’s “accidental abuse ” think twice, or at the least be aware there is a potential problem.September 20, 2019 at 6:50 pm #852777KateKeymaster
Wow, I haven’t read the comments, but first of all, this is disgusting:
“ D was going through so much stress with life and being with A and he let it control his anger. He lost control and ended up accidentally abusing her…”
And second, you love love love drama. If you wanted “peace,” why on earth would you ever decide to “confront” this woman about this situation? Why would you care that your ex bf was allegedly getting harrassed on FB? Why would you start investigating it? Why would you even get involved except that you adore drama and are a domestic abuse apologist? Get help.September 20, 2019 at 7:00 pm #852778KateKeymaster
Oh, and you’re showing this thread to everyone to stir up the drama pot even more. Lmao. Except it’s not funny because all this drama is about you defending a woman-beating piece of shit.