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My best friend’s best friend and other bothersome things

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  • #852663 Reply
    avatarMolly Knight

    So I have this best friend who I met in high school. The friendship has gone on for about 5 years now, and for 3 of those years, we’ve lived together. Went to college together and everything. She has had another best friend for much longer than me who she is simply thrilled with. I’ve always felt like I’ll never compare. My best friend has trouble keeping up with money, and is currently unemployed because she quit her job on a whim. I’m still working hard to keep the money rolling on my side. However, she is struggling to find a new job, and I fear she will not have any way to pay her half of the bills next month. Despite this, I haven’t really scolded her about it. In fact, I’ve encouraged her and even helped her with money here and there. I’ve always helped her with money. I’m not rich, but I can pay my bills. She doesn’t really thank me ever, but claims that she has difficulty saying thank you.

    Meanwhile, her best friend has only come to visit her twice in the three years we’ve lived together. We never lived that far away from her. She has transportation and couldn’t possibly work all the time. Yet, she still talks about her so well. I’m almost positive she would move in with her, leaving me with all of the bills, if the best friend simply asked. My best friend struggles horribly with depression, but I can’t help her. She hates sharing her feelings or thoughts. I hate feeling jealous, but that is exactly what this is: jealousy.

    I haven’t shown any jealousy in over a year, because I know it makes her uncomfortable. Even she has agreed I’ve changed. Our friendship is very close, and we rarely fight. But only because I keep my mouth shut. The minute I have a feeling or opinion or question, she gets uncomfortable which then leads to anger if I continue.

    I was hoping someone could review my situation and give their thoughts please. Also, just to be clear, we now live in a fixer upper house that my dad let us live in, so the rent is free. She is staying there because of me.

    #852671 Reply

    Big picture solution — Get some therapy before your inferiority issues cause major problems in your life. This codependent dynamic is effed up.

    Immediate solution — Don’t give/lend her money. Don’t pay her bills for her. Don’t become best friends with someone who has “difficulty saying thank you.” (WTF?!) Don’t let her slide on her share of bills while she lives in a free (!!) place that you made possible.

    The words you’re looking for are:
    Your share is ____. I can’t lend you money.
    Repeat that over and over and over when she starts arguing helplessness with you. She is not helpless; she is using you.

    #852673 Reply

    Im Struggling to see how this girl is your bestfriend? You are clearly a very good / invested friend to her but she is in no way even meeting you in the middle the way a real, genuine friendship should work.

    Also, you mention firstly that you worry she would up and leave you with the bills and then you go on to say your dad lets you live there for free? so are you just worried that if she moves out you will lose the friendship?

    I also dont know what sort of person struggles to say thank you, especially as your practically carrying her through her adult life.

    I dont see what your gaining positively from this friendship so you should speak to her and actually tell her how you have been feeling instead of walking on egg shells because you dont want her to get ‘angry’

    #852684 Reply
    avatarMolly Knight

    I know it sounds crazy, trust me, but the only reason I help her so much is because she does try. Her luck has been horrible as of late: her car broke down and no one is trying to help her in her family. She has a crappy support system, but is too afraid to admit it in a lot of ways. I’ve gotten myself into a very strange predicament.

    Also as far as the bills go, the rent is the only thing that’s free. Internet, electricity, water, loans, etc. are costly.

    The positives of our friendship is weirdly how well we work together. We get along really well most of the time and have very similar outlooks on things. We’re both artists, and finding friends has been difficult for me. I have plenty of casual friends, but I have a need for stronger relationships.

    Also, the way she explains the inability to thank people is that she has trouble with vulnerability and “mushy feelings.”

    #852686 Reply
    avatarMolly Knight

    I have, however, stopped helping her with money. I got pretty upset about it and made it clear that my money is mine alone. She was fine with it, but if she doesn’t find a new job soon, she wont be able to pay her half. I hate the idea of kicking her out, because I’m too forgiving or whatever.

    #852687 Reply

    No sympathy for the short-on-cash status of someone who gives up her job on a whim without another job lined up. LW: you can’t buy a friend. You can buy a dependent, but what good is that?

    #852711 Reply

    Just stop being sympathetic to people as a matter of necessity.

    #852850 Reply

    I suspect the other best friend is deliberately distant as she simply got tired of bailing out her “best” friend. Yep, yep, yep. That’s what I think. More, she (WISELY) does NOT WANT this mess to come live with her and stick HER with all the bills.

    PS — It’s also a lot easier to be PERFECT when you aren’t around to daily shatter fantasy and delusion.

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