ellieSeptember 22, 2023 at 10:36 pm #1125608
My best friend has recently been talking to this guy online. Over the past few months, she’s come to me many times crying over things he’s done. From what i’ve gathered, he seems to be quite a manipulative person. He brings up her insecurities which makes her feel upset, he lies about a lot of things, turns situations around to make her feel bad, and she feels like she has to hide a lot about herself from him so that he won’t stop speaking to her. I’ve also noticed that she tends to base her mood on how often he’s messaging her at the time. As a friend, it has been very hard to watch as i never want someone to make her feel so insecure about herself and upset. This has meant that I and most of her closest friends have grown to very much dislike him.
A couple of days ago he came to visit her for the first time and she seems to now really like him. She was really excited after meeting him but i feel like a bad friend not being supportive of her as i believe this guy is going to hurt her (emotionally). I find it crazy how many arguments they’ve had in such a short time of knowing each other without actually meeting, and how many red flags he has already, which i believe is only a sign of how he’ll be in the future. I know i don’t see the nice things he does but i don’t know how to support her in this situation. She always wants to talk about him but i just hate hearing about him because i cannot get past the way he treats her. After them meeting, she seems to have convinced herself that she doesn’t care anymore about the things he’s done to her in the past because she “won’t care about them in a month” which i just know isn’t true. She’s using the one night they met to write off everything mean he’s done which i just find strange.
I don’t know what to do in this situation. I want to support her as a friend but i don’t know if i can knowing how it will end up. It’s hard to watch her go through this as i know she deserves someone better. I’ve seen this situation before and i just know it’ll end in her being hurt which she says she can see happening too, but she is still speaking to him. i can’t be one to tell her to stop speaking to him as she’ll hate me for it but at the same time i don’t want to encourage them to carry things on so i just feel like a bad friend every time i speak to her about it as no one close to her is supporting her.
You don’t need to be supportive OR tell your friend to stop speaking to this guy (and unless she’s asking for your advice, it’s not your place to tell her how to conduct her relationships). Try to be a neutral observer who neither applauds nor trashes the guy’s behavior, and when your friend starts discussing him more than you can comfortably tolerate, tell her you’re ready to change the topic. You can set boundaries without trash-talking the guy. You’re allowed to say: “It’s been hard as a friend hearing about how hurt you’ve been by this guy’s behavior, but if you’re happy right now, I am happy for you. At the same time, I don’t want to continue hearing about hurtful things he does if you have no interest in getting out of the relationship. As a close friend, I don’t know what to say in response without sounding like I don’t support the relationship.”