Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My bf cheated, we tried to make up, but I never feel like it's working.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My bf cheated, we tried to make up, but I never feel like it's working.

This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 days, 5 hours ago.

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  • #847870 Reply
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    Sierra

    It was a little over a year ago now. My bf walks me to lunch, a bright purple hickie on his neck. Fighting ensues. Her name is Jasmine, and she’s obviously perfect. The cherry on top? His timing. My 21 year old cat and new friend Michael both pssed away just DAYS prior to his confession, while his relationship with her had been going on for two months.

    At first he says he wants to fix everything, but really makes no effort, and still sees her at least two more times, though he claims the second time was without his consent. In the same year, my bf is diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and his life is thrown into chaos as well as mine. No matter how awfully he treated me, I loved him and took care of him after every seizure he had from the time he cheated to today.

    Fast forward some, we argue less, but the pain is still so deep. It’s likely ridiculous to say but I feel traumatized, i.e I can’t go near the place he told me, I can’t see her without freezing up or crying, and up until about a month ago, i couldn’t think about it without bawling.

    I’m here to ask advice. I’ve talked to a therapist, and was obviously told to leave him and move on, but it’s complicated. He and I are from the same home town which is two hours away,and his very sweet mother counts on me to look after him for her, even after what he did. If he had a seizure during an argument, it ended immediately and wasn’t allowed to be brought back up again later. We tried setting out rules that he had to follow, and he refused to follow through even though he agreed to them in the first place.

    He says that he loves me all the time, but complains about my “abusive ways” to his friends, female and male. I don’t really have a lot of friends rn either, which is why I’m reaching out here. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. He’s hit me before and then claimed he barely touched me. And maybe it didn’t hurt that badly but it did scare me. I’m scared of him and scared for him. He’s practically living with me right now, and while we’re surface level good, my heart still aches all the time.

    Also I want to add that I’ve tried breaking up with him before and at first he would just say know that I wasn’t allowed to break up with him or that wasn’t going to happen, but after a while he would start having seizures after I told him that; now I barely try to do it anymore. As I stated before I’m completely at a loss. I’m sorry if this was a bad place to post this, and I’m sorry for changing my name (it’s just to protect my identity). Thank you for anything you can add to help.

    #847873 Reply

    You know what you have to do.

    You’ve really buried the headline here. Your boyfriend hits you, isolates you, has made other people dependent on you, and is obviously making you miserable. But he told you “you can’t leave”.

    And you’re concerned about the fact that he cheated on you? That’s the least shitty thing listed here.

    You need to get in touch with a domestic abuse shelter and work out a plan to leave safely. His behavior will not get better. It never does. He “lightly” hit you? It doesn’t matter.

    It’s clear from your letter that you are a bright young woman who has gotten herself into a bad situation. Find a way to get out. Contact whatever support network you have and get out.

    You are not responsible for his seizure disorder or his mothers health problems.

    You are not responsible for his anger or his shitty behavior.

    Please writer – don’t fall into this.

    #847874 Reply

    Also – please research signs of emotional abuse. It’s obvious to us sitting here that he’s done quite a number on you, but the insidious nature of emotional abuse can make it difficult to see while you’re experiencing it.

    Good luck.

    #847875 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Oh my dear. Please, for your own safety and happiness, get away from this man. Call 1-800-799-7233, they can help you make a plan to get out safely. You are not responsible for caring for him, managing his seizure disorder, or his mother’s health. He does not get to decide unilaterally that you have to stay in a relationship where you are hit and abused. Also, listen to bloodymediocrity. Its clear you’ve been manipulated and emotionally abused into isolation, dependence, and deep self doubt. It can be hard to see a way out. Go back to therapy, call in your support system (friends, family, teachers), and get safely away from this man. The link below to the power and control wheel may be helpful to you in understanding the tactics he is using against you (including those convenient seizures every time you try to break up with him. It is absolutely ok to dump him via text and then immediately block him). You are worth so much, and it’s clear you are a kind and smart young woman. Please get out of this and keep yourself safe

    https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

    #847881 Reply

    Hello,

    The more information you give the better we can help…I bet its hard to talk about and share, but even talking about it on a forum is really a good thing. Communicating your emotions and feelings and everything that has built over this time period is progress. I bet your going through a mixing pot of emotions and it hard to make a decisive decision. Its a common feeling in all relationships. The indecision that is….
    Your new friends death and your cat passing away are important but are isolated events and you encompassing them in your question shows the scale of feelings you have in regard to this man.

    Fissures have been created in this relationship, the trust that you gave this man has been compromised with his actions and emotions with another woman. The manipulation of hope in regard to the progression of the relationship positively is hard to justify. You need to make the decision in regards to that. Unfortunately him striking is a physical signal of an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter how hard or light the hit was. The action itself shows the nature of the man and his reaction to the environment that you where in at the time. Your descriptions of the moral obligations in regards to his health and that toward his grandmother shows your nature. You are a good person. You have been trying to do the right thing within a setting that has been abusive and toxic. I also want to clarify that a person should never controlled to an extent where they are ‘trapped’ in a relationship. This has impacted your hope and outlook on life.

    Given the information, I believe the action of communicating to a domestic abuse hotline is the right thing to do.
    Discontinuing this relationship will benefit your emotions positively in the long run. Be hopeful. Positive things will happen too you in time.

    I wish you the best, and please update the forum on your thoughts,emotions and other factors.

    Thank you,

    James Thomas (Australia!)

    #847904 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    He is using his medical condition to control you. That’s abuse plain and simple. He is an adult. He is responsible for himself.

    You need to get out of there. Leave whatever you need to leave behind. Things can be replaced, you can not be. Please call domestic violence resources for advice.

    Please be safe.

    #847907 Reply
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    ron

    You clearly have a good heart and are very caring, but you are wasting yourself on an awful man who: cheated on you, cheated on you again after you caught him and he had promised it was over, hit you, emotionally abused you, told you the other woman was better than you, and now needs you as a nurse. His sweet mother needs to find help for him from someone who doesn’t have lingering romantic feelings for him and whom he won’t hit and emotionally abuse. He can move back home to his sweet mother. He isn’t going to sink like a stone if you leave him. Meanwhile, you are wasting your time, with your life on hold, for an awful man who is never going to love you. Dedicated, selfless service isn’t going to create love.

    Leave him right away. It sounds like he stays at your place most of the time, so you have to seek help from the domestic abuse resources listed above to get him out. Get a protection from abuse order.

    You can be single for a while. It will be an improvement over what you have now and it opens the door for a good future relationship with someone who deserves your love.

    P.S. Don’t tell this guy or his mother in advance what you plan to do. From what you write, I think there are high odds it would be physically unsafe for you to do that. This sounds like a guy who will use whatever level of violence is necessary to keep you under his control. There is a reason he didn’t run back to Jasmine when his seizures started. Jasmine has recognized him for what he is and dumped him. Those last two cheats — his attempt to win her back. His behavior screams that he isn’t with you because he values you more highly than he does Jasmine.

    #847914 Reply

    Pack up his stuff and leave it on his doorstep. Ask friends or family to stay with you. Tell him you’re done. Don’t listen to excuses. If he has a seizure, call 911. Block his number, block his mother. He isn’t your responsibility. You are your responsibility. You have to take care of yourself and you haven’t been doing that.

    #847925 Reply
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    FYI

    He hit you!?

    He happens to have a seizure every time you try to leave!? What?! And he didn’t even try to hide this huge purple hickey?

    Call 1-800-799-7233 immediately. Meaning, right now, this instant. You’re being abused.

    #847946 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    There are plenty of single people who have medical conditions. It doesn’t mean you have to stay with him.

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