Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My BF doesn’t seem to want me anymore? I think.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My BF doesn’t seem to want me anymore? I think.

Viewing 11 posts - 13 through 23 (of 23 total)
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  • #871489 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Emily/Tracey, you’re really young, so you can be forgiven for thinking a man won’t fly to see you unless he’s invested in a relationship with you. Guys will fly somewhere for sex in a heartbeat. Also, *what* has worked for a year? An online situationship based on masturbation? That only lasted 5 months. At that point he lost interest and the last 7 months or whatever has been you hounding him about it and making jokes about his “sexual decline.” Uh, don’t ever do that, by the way. In the future, I mean, because this is over.

    He sounds like a deeply troubled middle-aged man who likes meeting teens online for sex. He definitely has other girls he’s doing this with. YOU have built this up in your head as a relationship. As love. Whereas for him it was only about sexual gratification and validation. He told you what you wanted to hear. Wake up. Snap out of this. It’s not what you think.

    #871502 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, I’m not going to sit here and tell you what I think you should want. You don’t have to be ready for or want a traditional local boyfriend. If you want an online long-distance thing where you meet up for sex, FINE, I’m not judging your choices. But you’re not getting that. It’s not a phase. It’s not going to go back to how it was. He’s lost interest in sex with you, either because you aged out of teen attraction, or he simply got bored, has other girls he’s doing this with, whatever. He’s no longer giving you what you want. That’s why you should move on.

    #871505 Reply

    You’re not in love. I’m sure you thought you were. I’m sorry.

    You’re depressed, you’re probably lonely and felt some kind of connection. You thought him flying to have sex with you meant more than it does. You don’t really know him at all in real life. You haven’t rubbed one out together for months. When’s the last time you saw him? This was a relationship built primarily on sex, right? And now he clearly is not interested in that.

    Move on. He has. It’s not him going through “something.” If he wanted you, you’d know. He’d make it clear. When a man is deliberately confusing or vague, it means he is not interested. He probably only responds out of guilt at this point.

    I’m sorry this is not the way you wanted this to work out. In the future, you should be more careful with who you send nudes to, etc. That’s what I’d be worried about.

    You should try and see a doctor for your depression. Your self worth should not be based on whether an old man you met online is interested in seeing you masturbate or not. He took advantage of a young, vulnerable girl. He’s not a great guy.

    #871518 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Please get counseling. If you’re suffering from depression you can get help with that. If you’re in college head to your university’s health center. One of the absolute best things about college is the access to health and physiological care, please take advantage of it.

    Yes, this guy has lost interest. Making up a fake profile and giving yourself (terrible) fake advice to stick around tells us you’re really, really invested in a relationship that has essentially already ended, to a point that it’s very unhealthy. You may not want to break up, but you aren’t the only one who gets to make that decision. He’s over it. I’d bet my next paycheck you will never see him again.

    Hopefully one day you’ll be able to see that this ending was a really good thing. A 40 year old dude “dating” a teenager isn’t a catch, he’s a creep. He’s a creep who lives across the world and has moved on to other young(er) women, may very well be married, or just got bored with you and sick of the effort. This was never going to last and he knew that all along. You’ve invested way, way too much. Take a break from romance and get yourself healthy mentally. Work on your self esteem and self worth in therapy, get help for your depression, and you’ll find yourself ready for a great relationship.

    #871665 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Please listen to what everyone else is saying. This man is not and has never, ever been in love with you. The age gap may not mean anything to you, but there IS a huge difference in being 21 and being 40. Most of us responding to you are around 40 (I’m 43) – we have wisdom and life experiences that you simply don’t have at 21; it doesn’t mean you aren’t bright and smart – you’re just young is all. In a few years you’re going to look back at this experience for what it was – a much older man was using you for sexual gratification until he got bored. He absolutely, 100% has other girls in his life – either in real life or online or both – and you are not important to him. It’s time for you to move on and get some counseling for your depression.

    #871670 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You understand you were in essence a free cam girl right?

    #871766 Reply
    avatarPDX816
    Guest

    Oh Honey, just no. This man is a creep and you have the standards of a gutter. so to therapy, find your worth and aim higher.

    #872304 Reply
    avatarJesus
    Participant

    if you are not sure of him, like he doesn’t share things to you or another stuff then it’s better to you to break up, or just talk about it and fix it

    #872866 Reply
    avatarIndigo
    Guest

    Tracey,
    There are three types of love: agape, philo, and eros. Eros meaning erotic. You cannot build a solid, unbreakable foundation off of eros because it’s usually such a fleeting feeling. There’s nothing unique about eros: it can be duplicated, recreated, and essentially found anywhere with anyone. It sounds like eros is the key tool to your bond and relationship with this man.

    It also sounds like you’re relying on his attention to make you feel attractive which would mean that you don’t possess genuine confidence. That’s something you need to dissect and fix. You two don’t seem to have much of a relationship outside of physical intimacy/eroticism and flattery with little to no intellectual stimulation.

    #873019 Reply

    Ugh, no. This didn’t even get that deep.

    #874559 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    It sounds like he may be losing interest.

    Pehaps he has health issues – some things make people lose their libido in general. If he were open, it’d be worth exploring this, but it only works if he can be honest and seek support. A lot of relationships go down hill because the sex peters off and not every partner can (or should) accept that. Most people wouldn’t be with someone if, with no explaination the sex stopped entirely within the first several months of daying. You’ve ultimately spent almost half your relationship witout that form of intimacy. There might be reasons, but it needs to be discussed, or it might just continue indefinitely. If ne needs help, then he needs to get help. But you’d need to talk frankly about how you guys not being sexual any more isn’t fulfilling your needs or making you feel attractive, and what could be done to make things better. Couples can make it work, but it needs communication.

    I don’t want to be the one to day it, but since he lives far away, it’s unfortunately not impossible he’s found women where he is, who can actually be there with him and that he’s not sure how to tell you that. If you trust him, then you trust him. But if you’ve had reasons to be suspicious, then consider this possibility. If you’ve never visited him, it’s not like you know what the rest of his life is like for sure.

    But ultimately, this isn’t just about him. You need to feel desired and sexual, and to have your needs met, too. If he struggles to meet your needs and can’t talk about his issues or find some compromise, how is this going to be a fulfilling partnership for you? Most of us would need more than a few days of sex a few times a year interspersed with bored-sounding skype convo in order to feel loved. You’re not wrong for feeling left out, because yu are. In the long run, have you ever talked about whether you would ever be with each other permanently? Or was the plan to carry on like this forever? Because that seems to be short changing both of you.

    And girl, you’re 21. You have the world of men ahead of you. There are so many guys who are closer to home who can kiss and cuddle you every day. Who can make you feel loved.

    It’s hard to make long distance work. As others have said, it’s one thing to start together, and have a definite end point for the long distance (college ends, deployment finishes etc), but another to have it be indefinite. It’s hard to sustain things when you don’t know if the person you love will ever be able to see you every day.

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