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Dear Wendy

My bf is a coward and disappointed me :(

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  • #968171 Reply

    Hi all,

    New here, Im Belinda, a yoga coach from Belgium. I meet a nice guy from Salvador, 6 month before the pandemy. He work online as a trader. He has a kind of “traditional” vision of love relationship even if he lives in a very modern way (digital nomad), he likes to pay for restaurant, he doesn’t like me to drive the car for him and enjoy I do chores alone..yes traditional.. . We have fun together and, for my part, planning to eventually building something really serious with him.

    I propose him to live with me, in my small appartment and he accepted. During that time, we learned more about each others each days, that was great.

    Recently, we did go out. We had a good time dining then enjoying a quick walk to go back to the car. While we approach my car, I saw a young man take my ipad that I did hide behind the sit after breaking the windows. It was absolutly silly to let it inside, there is no debate about that… I was mad so I started to yell at him and he try to leave but I catch his arm. He let the ipad down and punch me but I still hold him. My bf was like shoked and didnt move. I tell him to help me but he was looking in my bag for the pepper spray.. I had very little memory of my self defense court I had in high school. I tried to use it but it’s a lot easier during the class than in real situation. Finaly, I manage to get the upperhand by throwing my knee on his groin and by twisting his arm I made him kneeldown. Painfully I hold his arms while i sit on his back. I thought it was an eternity but in reality it has been probably very short. My bf was calling police with my phone and I order him to help him instead. He is down I’ve got him! We can overpower him! Finally that young b*stard swing his head back and burst my lip so I let him. He get up and run …

    I had to stich up my lip, I had bruises on all my arms and on my face and my Ipad has the screen broken! I was so mad at my bf. He told me he did panic and he thought that it was better to find the pepper spray and called the police..while his girlfriend get attacked…. He act as THE tough man but I realize he is a kind of coward. I dont know maybe I over react but Im shock by his attitude.

    I file a complaint in a police station but I have no doubt that he will never find him…

    I am so disappointed by my bf. I don’t think I can make my life with that kind of person anymore.

    Do I overreact?

    #968173 Reply

    Wow, good for you for being a badass and taking the guy down, however, I don’t necessarily think that was a great idea to put yourself in that kind of physical danger for an iPad, which, though pricey, is replaceable. Like, it’s great to know you can defend yourself in a situation where you might get assaulted.

    If someone is trying to take my property, I’m probably going to just let them, because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t think it’s worth it for replaceable property, which might even be covered by insurance.

    So I question your judgment somewhat for deciding to put yourself in harm’s way. The guy would have left you alone, he just wanted to get away with your iPad. I’m not sure how your boyfriend would have reacted if someone actually attacked you unprovoked, but I mean, calling the police is actually a good idea, before jumping in, depending on what’s happening in the moment. The other thing is, some guys grew up fighting / have been in physical fights, and some probably haven’t.

    I think 1) you should be a little more concerned for your own safety, and 2) this guy might not be the best fit for you, it sounds like there were things about him that bothered you prior to this incident.

    #968176 Reply

    Wow, well I guess now you see how deep his “traditional” values really seem to go.

    I think it was incredibly foolish to fight the thief for an iPad. You probably could have called the police, reported your iPad stolen, tracked it with Find my iPhone and possibly recovered your property, instead of risking your life for a device. You are lucky he didn’t have a knife or worse.

    What part of his traditional views were appealing to you? The free dinners, or general sexist views? It is ironic that your manly man didn’t protect you, and that you (a poor defenseless woman) beat the crap out of your thief. Has this dramatically changed your views of his masculinity? Has it changed the way you view yourself, as a woman?

    To be honest, his reaction is probably more common than yours. Most people freeze in shocking moments like that.

    Only you can determine whether this has irrevocably changed your relationship and if there’s anything left to salvage.

    Maybe you should teach self defense courses, you’d be good at it.

    #968179 Reply

    As many have said, I wouldn’t advise fighting like that ever again. It’s not worth it. You were extremely lucky. Self-defense should be used when someone is attacking your body, not your iPad.

    Maybe he did panic, hard to say. I would look at his behavior afterward. Has he been taking care of you, extra-kind to you, apologetic? Has he been worried about your welfare after this trauma, or just focused on himself?

    Also, this may seem a minor point given what happened, but this — “and enjoy I do chores alone..yes traditional.” Does that mean that he doesn’t do any household chores, but leaves them all for you to do alone? Uh, that would be a “hell, no” for me. No amount of dining-out could make up for that, and besides dining-out shouldn’t be happening much (if at all) during a pandemic. Maybe this incident just woke you up to the fact that “traditional” is problematic in many ways.

    #968180 Reply

    Eh, I don’t think a guy not wanting to get into a fight over some fools ipad is exactly all that damning to his character. Sorry. I simply don’t.

    The world is filled with enough fucking violence.

    #968181 Reply

    The thief could have had a gun — our worse. God, people on this planet are just so fucking dumb. I can’t stand it anymore.

    #968182 Reply

    I applaud you for being brave to fight a thief but to call someone a coward, esp. a man, because they didn’t jump in and “save the day” is just as toxic as saying a women should be in the kitchen making sandwiches.

    What happened to your boyfriend was a fight or flight response – automatic physiological reaction to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. The perception of threat activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee.

    This has nothing to do with being manly or traditional roles. You fought because the thief had something personal of yours. Your injuries are minor and for that be grateful. You could be dead over an ipad.

    #968192 Reply

    Seriously, you could be dead. The guy could have stabbed you or bashed your head on the curb or something. Or you could be really badly hurt. And your iPad broke anyway.

    Do break up with your boyfriend if you don’t think you’re compatible, but also recognize that your own instinct in the situation might not have been the best or safest.

    #968204 Reply

    I am sorry that you got robbed but… I can’t agree with you. For a yoga teacher, you seem very un-woke. All this gendered bullshit. You wanted your BF to fight with a thief for you? He was probably appalled by the scene. His reaction was right: call the police, look for the pepper spray. He was right not to be violent and shouldn’t be shamed for having made the right call. Your reaction was brave but dangerous.
    I think you should let go of this way of thinking about gender. First, don’t accept the unbalanced way of life. Don’t do the chores alone: the hell with that! Why do you accept that? Just treat your boyfriend as your equal, and expect the same from him. Do you have mutual respect? You have different personalities: you are more physical, more agressive perhaps? Assess the relationship but don’t despise him because he didn’t fit with your cliché of a man.

    #968208 Reply

    This story is odd (someone broke the windows of your car, took your ipad, then got inside the back seat???) and I wondered if it was fake, tbh. But assuming it’s real, I think your reaction was very poor and that you are overreacting. It does sound like you had a small window of time in which to react because you were witnessing this happen from afar, right? And you ran toward what could have been very real danger. For an iPad.

    Years ago, a woman my cousin went to college with was shot and killed in St. Louis over an iPhone. It does happen. Crime like this is up right now in my city and it’s usually armed. So yes, you’re lucky you’re alive.

    The other day my boyfriend and I were walking the dog at about 6 p.m. and we saw some guy outside our condo brazenly trying to break into a car parked just a few doors down from where we live. If that had been our car, we would not have tried to tackle him, he was obviously not in his right mind and our lives are worth more to me than any possession. Your boyfriend probably thought the same. But hey, if you think this guy is less of a man for his reaction, yes, you should break up with him and find someone compatible.

    #969633 Reply
    Tired and confused

    As a fellow Belgian resident I can attest that going after a thief is not that uncommon and I have several friends that have recuperated their property like that! Probably because of the guy having a gun or even a knife are pretty slim.
    And to answer your question, yes he’s a coward.

    I wouldn’t dump him because of this but if he sold you on the whole “I’m a tough man routine” to get you to cook and clean after him then yeah, I get why you would feel duped

    #1096792 Reply

    I would not tackle any desperate person for property and would not expect anyone to aid me if I did. I would hope that someone would come to my aid if I was personally being attacked, and I am pretty confident that my partner would as I absolutely would for them- But I love my partner far too much to want them to risk injury or at worst case, death (nobody knows what arms might be involved, knives etc) over property. I’d have been holding back and holding them back too.The traditional roles thing is a bit shit, though, I don’t get why you are being okay about that.

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