- This topic has 11 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by Penélope.
- December 7, 2019 at 4:40 am #863675PenélopeGuest
Hi, so around 3 weeks ago my bf of just over 2 years broke up with me. A week later I hear he is talking to a 17 year old! ( He is 20 by the way) he already knows how many sexual partners she’s had (2 at 17) and about her ex’s and I am guessing he has revealed the same to her, which is strange after hi calming she is most definitely not a rebound and he is not using her for a fling.
A week before the break up he was talking about how we would revisit the same place we went to this year and he took my out for this gorgeous lunch. I asked him why he did all this only a week before he broke up with me and he said he felt truly felt these things at the time. We are also at uni and moved in together 2 months ago?!
Everyone has told him this is strange behaviour and his reasons for breaking up with me soon became invalid. He said he was no longer sexually attracted to me – yet we had sex twice in 2 days only recently ( I know I know I shouldn’t have ) and that he didn’t want commitment but then he should have never had moved in with me!
He is very sociable at home but at uni ( where we live together ) he has NO friends. I mean none. I have tried to encourage him to get involved with the uni but he hasn’t. He also revealed to me how he wasn’t sure that the course he is taking is for him.
Did he break up with me because he was unhappy and almost ‘fed up’ with me because I am the ONLY person he talks to at uni and he is bound to get bored with the same person? It’s like he wasn’t happy and tried to change it up but went the complete wrong way about it because he doesn’t want to face the true facts and wants to blame me for it. Instead of trying to get friends and improve his circles he got rid of the best thing he had and and tried to replace it to ‘change things up.’
He still sometimes kisses me on the cheek/forehead/neck and hugs me when I don’t give him attention.
Also, he says how he moved on so easily (a week after we broke up) but I don’t think this 17 year old actually means anything. They already talk everyday, so I think there are both as desperate as each other right now.
His mum has also said to me he hasn’t been acting himself and something isn’t right and his dad is cut up about it. It is also such a shock to everyone.
One day after being at home for a few days, I came back, went to give him a kiss after he woke up and he just said ‘we’re broken up.’
Please can you tell me your thoughts. Has he really moved on? Why did he do it in the first place? Why is he being weird talking to a 17 year old? Why doesn’t HE think it’s weird? Will he regret what he’s doing and has already done?December 7, 2019 at 10:43 am #863748golfer.galGuest
I think you’re way too invested in a guy who has broken up with you. It doesn’t matter if the reasons he gave you don’t ring true, or his mom and dad are bummed he dumped you. At this point he’s been able to have no strings attached sex with you, the cuddling and kisses are to be able to keep that up btw, while also pursuing other people. Like a 17 year old high schooler, which is disgusting and should tell you he’s not a guy you want to be around anyway. He’s using the fact that you’re still in love with him to throw you a few bones of affection to you and keep you on the hook hoping for a reconciliation, to bang you and also keep banging other people.
You need to move out of your shared apartment asap. If you can break the lease, break it. Find other roommates. Go no contact, block him on social media etc. In the meantime stay somewhere else if you can, or if you cant then have a conversation where you make clear that you’re done giving him the benefits of a relationship and cannot live together anymore. Work out a schedule where you have as little contact as possible and you keep everything as separate as possible until one or both of you moves out.December 7, 2019 at 11:55 am #863764FyodorGuest
I know that this is hard to accept, but you are broken up with this man and your first priority is to disentangle yourself from him. Stop sharing a bed with him. Stop having sex with him and move out of your shared apartment. He is affectionate at home because he enjoys the sex and emotional comfort of being with you while also pursuing other women. You need to get yourself out of this situation, which will only make you miserable.December 7, 2019 at 12:14 pm #863772PenelopeGuest
Hi, thanks for your reply. He has just told me that it was actually mainly the fact he thinks the initial spark in our relationship had gone. I explained that, that happens all the time – after a while the spark doesnt occur on its own and the two people have to put effort in, in order to ignite it. For some reason, he doesnt believe this is true at all. Is this his immaturity speaking? Thoughts?
P.S. He still tells me I look pretty etc and he says that’s true but he says he doesnt always feel in awe of me ? Should you always feel completely in awe of someone? Am i crazy in thinking that sometimes effort will have to be put into loving someone (not all the time obviously)?December 7, 2019 at 12:22 pm #863774FyodorGuest
He is saying that the spark is gone because it is a way to avoid being critical of you. He has broken up with you and you don’t get to decide that his reasons are wrong. You need to respect his decision even if you don’t agree with it and move on. Also, if there’s no spark when you’re 20, the relationship isn’t going to function when you’re 40.December 7, 2019 at 12:34 pm #863776golfer.galGuest
No, you don’t generally feel perpetually in awe of someone. Yes, the spark eventually fades (at least somewhat) and when it’s right what is left is a quieter but enduring love, desire, and happiness. But whether you’re right about these things doesn’t really matter. He may or may not be telling you the whole truth of why he broke up with you. He may be immature and he may or may not realize he’s made a mistake in dumping you.
What matters is he’s told you clearly that you are broken up. I know he’s sending mixed signals and it hurts a whole lot to really accept it’s over. But it’s over. Why are you accepting the crumbs of a relationship from a dude who is clearly pursuing other women/children? Why are you hanging onto every compliment he gives and making yourself available for his every emotional and sexual need when hes not committed to you? If you’re hoping that will get him back, you have a much better chance of that by actually leaving him and letting him see what he’s missing. But hopefully by then you’ll realize that you’re worth a lot more than he’s offering you.December 7, 2019 at 12:40 pm #863777FYIGuest
Holy crap, get away from this person! Do not waste one more precious minute of your life trying to figure him out. Listen to some Rizzo and get yourself together. Thank your lucky stars that he broke up with you and move on to better things. You have a whole university of people and subjects to focus on. Stop stop stop giving any of your energy to him. I get that you think you love him, but you have a whole, huge new world ahead of you, and this situation will just drag you down. Move out, ASAP.December 7, 2019 at 1:54 pm #863799ronGuest
He is in the age range where some mental illnesses take hold, especially schizophrenia, although nothing you’ve describe suggests that particular ailment. Even before you and his mother think he ‘changed’ hi could charitably be described as extremely introverted, bordering on anti-social. A lot of us, myself included, are introverts. Going through college with zero friends and zero activities is well beyond introversion. You were essentially his only human contact at school.
From mentally ill persons in my own family, I can tell you that being called out on abnormal behavior and pushing for change, as you say you were doing shortly before the breakup, is most unwelcome. The mentally ill in my family have a burning desire to see themselves as normal and all the rest of us as crazy.
It sounds like you are still living with him. Why? When the relationship ends, you can’t comfortably live together. You certainly can’t give in to the urge for sex. You need to move out, put him completely behind you, and get on with your life. As FYI says, your university is full of other guys you can date. You’ve written enough to make it clear that your relationship with this guy is over and wasn’t a particularly healthy relationship to begin with. You don’t want your lover to be as dependent upon you as this guy was. It just isn’t at all healthy.December 7, 2019 at 2:39 pm #863810anonymousseParticipant
Why would you want to be with a guy with no friends, who dumped you to date a young teenager? He sounds like a real loser.
Please, stop spending time with him, stop contacting him. Move on with your life and I can promise you’ll meet a better dude who doesn’t want to date kids in school.December 7, 2019 at 4:07 pm #863831CopaParticipant
If you are still living with your ex, one of you needs to find a new living situation ASAP. You won’t move on if you’re living together.
His reasons for breaking up with you, whatever they are/were, are valid whether like it or not because breakups don’t require justification. He probably feels your relationship has run it’s course, which is common around your age, and wants to see what/who else is out there. Nothing has to happen or be inherently wrong.
I’m assuming you’re also about 20 and this is the end of your first long-term relationship, which can be very sad and painful! I’m sorry you’re hurting and feeling out of sorts. But the sooner you accept it’s over, the sooner you will move on to a better man. So you need to disentangle yourself and stop worrying about what this guy is doing or who he is doing it with.
Good luck!December 7, 2019 at 6:47 pm #863862PenelopeGuest
Thank you for all your replies they’ve made me feel much better and caused me to see things in a clearer light. Thank you Copa for your very kind response also!December 8, 2019 at 1:17 pm #864028PenélopeGuest
It turns out he is like any other boy who wants what he can’t have. I treated him like I’ve moved on recently has he started giving me more attention ! What a joke