Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

my bf thinks that im growing weight, its been 3 months of dating, both 24.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice my bf thinks that im growing weight, its been 3 months of dating, both 24.

This topic contains 22 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar JBR 6 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #849896 Reply
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    leena

    I went to a music festival with him, tons of naked/hot girls walking around. During the travel, it was also hot, so he wont hold my hands. I just got a bit sassy and didnt talk to him much that night, and had a lot of pina coladas myself and he was clearly annoyed as well.

    The next day, i tried to mood up and we walked around the city together. Again, the city was tons of naked/hot girls for the concert.

    He randomly took a picture of my side – looked ugly with double chin because of my posture. When we came back to the hotel, he brought up that my chin was getting puffy and said he’s worried if i wasnt putting my fitness my priority and let myself go as our relationship progresses like some other couples (he mentioned in the past that his friend broke up with his gf because she gained a lot of weight)

    i was shocked, and asked him if i always look that ugly like the picture he took. He said thats just an extreme version and he mainly did that as a joke, but it is true that my chin is getting a bit puffy. But its been only 3 months of us dating, i should have not gained that much, and i barely actually gained any weight.

    It could be because i was giving him attitude the night before, and had 4 pina coladas, that he was also annoyed by my attitude and the next morning saying i had too much sugary drinks last night. I was giving him a cold shoulder that night, which could be why he was seeing negatively stuffs about me since he was annoyed at me, that i eat too much sugary stuffs not even talking to him that night, etc

    But also it could be because too many hot girls in the city, comparing me with other girls, since its been only few months of dating and i dont think ive changed much at all.

    Im not fat at all, im slightly “thick” side but i get complimented by a lot of guys (like i have fats on right places a lot of people say). I always have high-self esteem about myself, but I do admit that i was not going to the gym lately since my new job started, but it concerns me that if he really thinks im getting fat and start feeling not attracted, or he’s just distracted by other hot girls comparing me with them in the city that we were traveling.

    Or just giving me attitude because i was giving him cold shoulder drinking a lot of sugary drinks – which made him judge about me that night because he was annoyed.

    How do you respond when your SO brings up your looks? Is it something that i should take as a bad sign that he’s losing attraction towards me? Its been only 3 months of dating and i dont think i changed in my looks to be honest, though ive been hitting the gym less lately

    i cried actually, and he apologized and said he never meant to offend me or anything, and said he will be supportive no matter what and he said he knows my new job’s been busy so he will help me out, but ever since i stopped going to the gym he said he was concerned if i was letting myself go, like some other couples who are in a relationship and stop improving themselves. He said he likes everything about me, but lately his concern was me stop striving to improve, and he was concerned if me stopping going to the gym was the sign

    But its been only dam 3 months!

    or maybe he’s just distracted by the hot/naked girls and start comparing me with them? Before this trip I always felt him attracted to me but i felt ugly during that trip after his comment.

    Im in the most stable relationship and he is a great guy in many other ways, so i’d like to try this relationship. But i would love to hear honest thoughts as well

    #849900 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Whoa, how many times in that post did you say it “could be” this or it “could be” that?

    It “could be” he’s a dickhead. No nice, “stable” person takes an unflattering picture of their girlfriend and then shows it to them and tells them they’re gaining weight. On a leisure trip, no less. That’s a really really nasty thing to do, and all his pseudo-supportive comments after that were bogus.

    Yes, this is a bad sign.

    Your behavior the night before with the insecurity and the cold shoulder and drinking four pina coladas (unhealthy af) was also really poor.

    You sound like two immature people who bring out the worst in each other, tbh. But he also just sounds like a basic dickhead.

    #849901 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, prior to the trip, he put you on notice that he’ll break up with you if you gain any weight. That’s what that comment re: his “friend” was about. This guy sounds like an ass and, yes, critical of your body. Not good.

    You asked, “How do you respond when your SO brings up your looks?” The answer to that is, they don’t. No one I’ve dated has said anything critical about my looks. One of my boyfriends was pretty fitness-obsessed, and very critical of his own body, but he never said anything about my looks that wasn’t complimentary, even though I did start to gain a few pounds in my early 30s and wasn’t working out. I asked him if he could help me with fitness stuff and he was happy to help, but he NEVER said anything critical about my body. It’s not normal or okay to do that.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by avatar Kate.
    #849907 Reply
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    Helen

    What do I do when my SO brings up my weight? He doesn’t. He’s never said a critical word about my body. Your asshole bf sees you as a reflection of him. That’s why he wants you to be his ideal body type. He’s more worried about what his boys think about his ability to land a hottie than he is about your happiness or comfort. He took an unflattering pic and used it to make you feel bad…..fuck this dude. Dump him now. He goes out of his way to make you insecure. You don’t need that nonsense. Find someone who loves your body because they love you

    #849932 Reply
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    Part-time Lurker

    I’m going to tell you the same thing my father told me. “If someone doesn’t treat you as well as you treat them, they aren’t good enough.” That means showing you the same level of respect, honesty and kindness that you show them. Would you treat him this way? I’m guessing the answer is “no”, because what he did is shitty and unkind.

    #849935 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Oh, wow, this guy is a loser dickhead. Dump him and enjoy your Pina coladas.

    #849937 Reply
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    FYI

    It isn’t just that he’s a dick though. (He is.) It’s that you’re asking the completely wrong questions.

    “Is it something that i should take as a bad sign that he’s losing attraction towards me?” Try instead — “Is it something that I should take as a bad sign that he’s critical, rude and treating me like an improvement project?”

    If you don’t recognize when someone is an asshole and have the self-worth to move on, then you’re just going to attract another jerk after this one. The proper response is — “how dare you try to shame me with your stupid pictures! My body is great. NO ONE is asking you to approve it. If you don’t like it, then eff off. In fact, eff off anyway.” And mean it.

    #849939 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I think that sometimes if you are young, it’s OK to be with someone who is a bad relationship prospect if you are having fun. But it doesn’t sound like you are having fun and he’s not a good relationship prospect.

    #849940 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, and you said you have good self-esteem in general, but this guy makes you feel bad about yourself. Fuck that. The solution isn’t to hit the gym and lose 3 pounds or do chin-firming exercises, it’s to dump this jerk.

    #849974 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    You’ll lose a lot of weight very quickly when you ditch this boyfriend! He is a jerk and there’s no excuse. Nice, good guys do not make comments about their girlfriend’s bodies like this.

    Why do you need to be “striving to improve” for him to be into you? Wouldn’t you prefer to be with someone who loves you for who you are rather than because you look a certain way? It’s pretty normal for people to experience weight fluctuations from time to time, particularly when something like a new job pops up and your old routine gets shaken up while you settle into a new one.

    I gained something like 15lbs in the first 6 months of dating my current boyfriend. I’m sure he noticed, but he has always told me I’m beautiful… and we live in a hot-naked-girls-at-famous-music-festivals city. The hot women around you are not the reason he’s acting like a jerk.

    #849981 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    What the hell did I just read?

    How do I respond when my boyfriend brings up my looks? I thank him for telling me that I’m beautiful. Because *that’s* how he brings up my looks. And note that I’m sure I weigh a lot more than you do, and am probably about forty years older than you are, with all the bulges and cellulite and saggy bits that go with my age.

    If a man I was dating EVER spoke to me the way your boyfriend speaks to you, even once, he would be an ex. Immediately. As in, I would leave the date and go home without him, and not see him again. No one has ever said anything like that to me. No good man speaks to his girlfriend that way.

    LW, let’s break this down.

    He says he’s worried that you’re getting fat (because of a weird camera angle). Not making fitness a priority. Won’t hold your hand in public. Tells you about his friend who dumped a girlfriend because she “got fat.” Criticizes what you eat and drink. Says you’re not striving to improve.

    And your reaction to this?

    You say he made you feel ugly. You feel pretty confident about your body, normally, but now you’re doubting yourself. Feeling bad about not going to the gym. Second-guessing what you’re eating. Feeling like you shouldn’t have been “sassy” to him.

    And then you say you’re in the “most stable relationship,” and he’s a “great guy.”

    No, he’s not a great guy, he’s a garbage human being that a woman with any self-respect would refuse to date. And no, your relationship is not stable, because it apparently depends on you maintaining a certain weight, and only eating and drinking what he approves of, and not being “sassy.”

    Please break up with him. No one deserves to be treated this way.

    #850029 Reply
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    Betty

    Agree with everyone here: when my husband brings up my looks I say, “Thank you”, because it is always a compliment. If I get down on myself (I have a medical condition that made me gain 30# in a year, now I am getting treatment so I should go back to my normal size–fingers crossed) he responds by upping his frequency of compliments. No one who cares about you would knowingly make you feel bad about yourself.

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