Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

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  • #870608 Reply
    avatarron
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    I don’t think LW is crazy. I do see her as shallow and too immature for marriage. She seems to value the recording of ‘events’ for posterity and sharing with family and friends over social media, rather than the lifetime commitment to another person, whom she supposedly loves. Please.. save crying yourself to sleep for important things: deaths or serious illness in the family, marital infidelity or divorce, financial ruin… not missing the perfect, recorded proposal ‘event’. And no, LW you are not more sophisticated, sensitive, wise, or successful than those of us who commented. I know, I know, you are a great catch. It is good you have high self-esteem, but you should understand that most grooms view their brides as a great catch. I will note that the reasons you list for being such a great catch tend to the superficial. Perhaps, consider giving this guy a break and setting him free. Sharing his life seems less than of extreme importance to you. He deservers a woman who will see the prospect of a life with him as eclipsing the importance of special, recorded events, or anything else.

    #870672 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    No sane person sobs themselves to sleep over such utter nonsense.

    #871006 Reply
    avatarBonV
    Guest

    OMG! I’m sorry but you sound so immature! You cried yourself to sleep because your SO proposed to you?! He’s marrying you, not his ex-girlfriend. The fact that you make comparisons is a red flag that you should not be marrying him or anyone else until you work on yourself. Marriage isn’t one big romantic fantasy; things happen they way they happen and you can’t control them. Don’t go into marriage if you have unrealistic expectations/fantasies of how you think it should be. Most people would have so happy by that awkward proposal, and would have felt loved and cherished at that moment. I haven’t read through the whole thread, but if your guy is still with you and wants to marry you, it shows what character he has that he has forgiven you your childish behavior.

    #871015 Reply
    avatarBonV
    Guest

    I’ve just had a chance to read through much of the thread. Laura, this sentence you wrote stood out to me: “I have tried to read through insults to get some advice.” What you fail to understand is that you are receiving advice, but you refuse to see it. You refuse to look at how it is YOU who is choosing to turn this proposal into a horrible thing, and you refuse to take a look at yourself as others see you and this situation (which is telling). You’ve been nothing but defensive about your position, and you are not open to anyone’s “advice” unless they validate your horrible behavior.

    #872302 Reply
    avatarLaura Morales
    Guest

    Hi Laura. I think you are acting like a child. This man likes you a lot and it doesn’t matter how he proposed to you. The only thing that matter is that he loves you, and wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life by your side.
    I understand that it was an special moment and you wanted it to be perfect, but it was actually perfect in it own way. If you really love this man, the fact that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with him, that should have made it special.
    So, my advice is simple: don’t marry him if you are not sure.

    #872305 Reply
    avatarMatias
    Guest

    I think you shouldn’t worry so much about this marriage proposal. You shouldn’t worry if he really loves you because if he has really asked you to marry if he loves you. I also think you shouldn’t worry since that can lead to a possible relationship break. Surely you will be very happy.

    #874558 Reply
    avatarwhatever
    Guest

    I understand why you would be disappointed. A thoughtful proposal is a nice gesture, and knowing he put like one tenth of the effort into yours as he did someone else’s would be hurtful. A lot of the posters here seem determined to make you feel immature and ungrateful but feelings aren’t voluntary so what you need to do is figure out how to deal with them. My husband just proposed to me in bed one night without a ring or anything. It would have been nice for it to be a big production but such is life. Now I look back and think it was so fitting and sweet considering where we were at that point in life (21 years old undergrads living with a revolving door of roommates). You should tell your fiance your disappointment over how the proposal went. You’re not wrong to want a little romance but I don’t think you should hold this against him. The rushed nature might have been just because he was super excited to make this commitment, not that he was getting it over with. Eventually you’ll be married and you’ll wonder why you thought the proposal/wedding was such a big deal.

    #876273 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    I think it’s understandable that LW’s mind went there. I can see why someone would feel insecure about his proposal to an ex; but that didn’t work out. And you can’t compare relationships; he chose you, and in this moment he wants to be with you, nobody else.

    But as others have said, LW chose not to engage with the more romantic proposal he set out. And that they should have said something then if they didn’t feel ready for a proposal. I do think there may be a bit of a generational divide here (I’m a millenial with a very lowkey taste in these things, but I see a lot of photos and flashy proprosals on my feed) – I think the flashy thing is more common these days, which can make people of my generation feel that it’s a way people show love. But not everyone shows love through flashiness or grand gestures.

    I think other commenters were right to point out that whilst it might be disappointing because you hoped for something different, it’s sad that you cried yourself to sleep about it, and that it made you question how much he loves you. Only you know how good the rest of the relationship is, and whether there is anything to worry about besides this proposal. The fanciness proposal in itself shouldn’t be a marker for how much someone loves you, because not everyone is into big proposals. And after he did the big thing and it didn’t work, he probably regretted it and wanted to go for something completely diferent. Though the best way to know why he did what he did would be to sit down and gently talk about it, without accusations or focusing on the ex. As others have said, it’s fair if this is not your thing, in which case it would have been sensible to discuss what a good proposal is *to you* before the time came. Now it’s too late for that but you can discuss how this made you feel, and how you can as a couple work on making things feel more special. But you need to get on the same page with communication before marrying.

    The thing is, LW , you don’t have to tell friends and family the whole story. There’s nothing unromantic about saying “well, he had a romantic evening planned, but I accidentally made him change his plans. And he couldn’t wait to propose because I was leaving town, so he proposed right there at home that evening. Because he couldn’t wait to be with me for the rest of his life”.

    There are some lovely low-key proposal stories in this thread, as well as good advice about how to get on the same page.

    I do wonder if LW ever had that discussion with her fiance, and whether they got on the same page.

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