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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

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  • #861612 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Whoa.

    I get a vibe from this story that he was super excited about buying the ring and then was so excited he couldn’t wait to propose and wanted to do it right then.

    Listen, I know the facts of life. I’ve been in relationships almost nonstop since I was 17 and proposed to twice.

    I understand your feelings, but I do think you’re too immature and insecure to be getting married. You are way too hung up on the optics of a proposal and not thinking about the realities of love and marriage.

    If you cried yourself to sleep over his proposal, I don’t think you’re ready to marry this man. You should maybe give the ring back for now and say you love him and want to be with him forever, but you realized that you got all wrapped up in a ring and a proposal story and that isn’t healthy, and you want to wait a bit and get your shit together.

    You need to DROP the Rome thing and the comparisons to the ex. If you’re internally harping on that, then, again, you’re not ready to get married. If you wouldn’t want to marry this guy unless there were a thousand beautiful pictures for Instagram, then you don’t really want to marry him.

    #861613 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, exactly what Hazel said.

    And this…

    “ This whole thing where both parties already know they plan to marry then someone does a huge display– it isn’t a “thing” everywhere at all. ”

    Not only is this a *new* thing, invented by millennials for instagram, and probably just an American but it’s kinda stupid. The other way Hazel described makes a lot more sense and is indicative of a healthy, loving relationship with *good communication.*

    #861614 Reply
    LucidityLucidity
    Guest

    Laura, I think your proposal story is one of the most romantic I’ve ever heard. When your boyfriend’s grand plan for the evening was derailed, he couldn’t put off the proposal long enough to arrange another one. He proposed to you beside a pile of laundry because he literally could not wait to be engaged to you!

    He’s learned from his first engagement that marriage is about the love you share, not the superficial stuff like how instagrammable the proposal is. He believes you love him for who he is, not for what he can give you. That’s why he didn’t take you to Rome. He thinks that this time, he’s found true love, and that he’s enough for you.

    My husband proposed to me on the floor of my dirty apartment, with red itchy eyes, between sneezes. He’d gotten the keys from my sister and waited in there, surrounded by two cats he was allergic to, until I got home from work. It was the most romantic moment of my life because of the words he spoke and the symbolism of the marriage.

    It can be hard not to compare ourselves to exes and to proposals we see on social media. But you don’t know the true story of the relationships behind those jumbotron proposals. After all, the story behind that proposal in Rome is a failed relationship. That’s nothing to be jealous of. Grand gestures don’t equal more love or a happier marriage. You’ve got the real thing! If you can’t learn to be happy with that and stop thinking about what others have (or had), get thee to therapy, because otherwise, you’ll self-sabotage this great thing you have.

    #861615 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I too got the impression that he was so excited to propose that he simply couldn’t wait. As if he was ready to explode with happiness and instead you viewed it as not grand enough and not special enough.

    think you need some therapy to find out why you are comparing yourself to someone who is not there and allowing someone who probably doesn’t even know you exist to ruin your happiness.

    #861623 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    Who cares about the proposal? You get to marry (presumably) the love of your life. That’s what matters. Everything else is just noise and b.s..

    p.s. please don’t turn into a bridezilla with the wedding. You seem like you might be the type. Seriously, in the end, remember what its really about- love.

    #861624 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    I hate proposals. Marriage shouldn’t be a surprise. It should be a joint decision. My husband did propose to me, but like you I knew it was coming. He got down on one knee at a nice restaurant where we were celebrating our 1 year anniversary. Soooo cheesy! But I wouldn’t change it. He got the important things right (didn’t ask my dad for permission & proposed with his mom’s ring but let me pick out my own jewelry) The 2 second proposal is inconsequential to our lives. Do you compare yourself to his ex in other ways? Do you think of her or their past often? Getting engaged is a huge milestone and even happy life events can cause major stress. Can you reframe the proposal in your mind? Like others have said, think of it as he was so eager to be engaged with you he couldn’t wait? Hopefully this is just a response to stress & change and not that you’re just that shallow. My husband was married before he met me. I never think of her except to joke that we should be friends seeing as we have the same taste in men

    #861625 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    What everyone else has said. I too was thinking that the reason he chose you, chose to marry you is because you aren’t like his ex and you don’t need the big grand gesture. That’s not the kind of person he wants. So did he make the wrong choice? If everything else is great, why are you so hung up on this? There has to be more. Perhaps it’s you’re insecure. Could be something else. Therapy would help to figure it out.

    And I too know about engagements. I was proposed to twice. My husband was married before so he’s also proposed twice. I don’t compare myself to his ex. It’s not healthy.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by avatarktfran.
    #861627 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, again, I think this showy insta proposal / promposal / gender reveal crap is a product of kids who grew up watching reality TV and YouTubers. It’s not a real thing. It’s not a tradition. Laura, you’ve bought into a load of crap. Your boyfriend probably bought into it too with the trip to Rome. Now he knows, and knowing is half the battle.

    People my age go on trips to Europe but they actually don’t do the proposal there because it’s cheesy. And because everyone at work or whatever is like, “are you gonna get engaged? Are you gonna get engaged?”

    It’s so much better to just do it privately and intimately. It still happened even if you didn’t get your hair and nails done, but a new outfit, and hire a videographer.

    #861628 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    A friend of mine (male) when telling the story about proposing to his wife always mentions that as SOON as he had the ring, he wanted to run out and ask her because he just couldn’t wait to give it to her. I think they got engaged at home too. They’ve been happily married for 13 years and have 2 little boys. My in-laws got engaged at age 19, in the car. The story goes that my FIL asked my MIL if she’d like to get married. She said yes. He said, “Then there’s something for you in the glove box!” And that’s how she got the ring she still wears almost 60 years later- although sadly my FIL passed away after 58 years of marriage, 4 kids, 9 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren (so far).

    Any chance your bf rushed to propose when he did so you could give your families the happy news over the holidays?

    I agree that if you can’t get unstuck from this narrative and see the big picture, you should put off any talk of marriage.

    #861630 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    I’m actually totally with LW on this one! Here’s why: “So yesterday we went out shopping and he actually sent me to check out a store so he could shop for a ring. On our way back home he asked me to go to the lookout of the city.”

    If “shop for” means “pick out“ and not like… pick up because it was ready at the jewelers, then that shows so little planning and effort. He took her with him when shopping for this ring and lazily covered up what he was doing. It also sounds like he put zero thought into the timing. She had a trip the next morning she was eager to get ready for. She was tired. Can he not read the room?

    I agree with everyone that proposal expectations are way out of whack these days, but I don’t think it’s immature to want your partner to put just a little thought into a special moment. It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for Rome, just like a nice date night. (And I wouldn’t blame her for comparing Rome to laundry!) It’s great he’s comfortable with her and is clearly eager to get married, but he’s not tuning into what she wants – either with the proposal or a marriage timeline.

    On the other hand, LW, usually people who are eager to get married will feel like any proposal is super romantic. You say you want to marry eventually, but this reaction might be telling you you’re not ready or don’t really want to at all. Something to discuss now! Good luck.

    #861633 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I proposed to my wife in our living room. I don’t know anyone who had a big showy proposal.
    Your fiance made a lifelong commitment to you-that’s how much he cares about you.

    You have wildly misplaced priorities and are not mature enough to be married to him or anyone. You, not your fiance, are the one ruining what should be a special experience, by acting like a spoiled child.

    #861634 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, I mean, I don’t NOT get it, that’s why I said I understand her feelings. I do. And maybe this guy is your typical idiot man-child who talks on the first date about how his ex hurt him, and buys a ring on a whim and doesn’t think about someone having to get up early. So hey, if he’s an idiot, re-think getting married to him. If he’s a wonderful man who you love and who makes your life better, reframe the narrative.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 130 total)
Reply To: My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed
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