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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 138 total)
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  • #861831 Reply

    I don’t think those were out of line. They were observations on her reaction to the situation at hand.

    I think calling someone stupid or an idiot is out of line. You can’t fix stupid, but you can fix insecure or immature. Calling someone’s specific behavior dumb or foolish, okay. Calling them an idiot or some other name is insulting and crosses the lines listed in the forum rules about insulting other posters.

    #861840 Reply

    Okay, but for a lot of people, the story to tell family, friends and maybe even future progeny is an important part of it. Is it the most important? No, but she never said it was. And we can all say we’d love to get proposed to while sorting laundry, but I don’t think that’s true. She never said she needed a huge public or expensive event proposal. She mentioned they were going to a fancy restaurant the next week. His proposal was rushed. Even the lookout idea, late at night when he knew she had laundry to do and had to wake up super early to leave for a work trip was ill conceived. I mean, it doesn’t sound like they ever talked about any part of what a proposal or engagement would look like for them. Which actually seems amazing if he’s already had a failed engagement under his belt.

    I think there are a lot of issues that are actually a much bigger problem than the proposal. You said you feel like he loves his ex more, she’s the love of his life. You’ve lived together for six months, but I don’t know how long you’ve been together. You’re not happy with this proposal, and you’re either very capable faking that you are or he MUST know somethings up. His proposal does seem pretty thoughtless and even a little selfishly done. Do you WANT to marry him? Because In your initial text you wrote at some point, you picture it. So please, talk to him. Tell him how you feel and what YOU want and when you see yourselves moving forward. Go to couples counseling.

    #861850 Reply

    So it sounds now,Laura that you are/have been, insecure in the relationship in general. So,when he proposed the way he did,it seemed like a culmination of all of your fears.
    I think something is way off here. Either you have bad insecurity issues and low self-esteem or he has been acting as if he is not “fully invested” somehow-in your opinion anyway.
    I know you are moving,but I would see a therapist with him ASAP. Tell you are concerned about some issues with the proposal and your engagement. Then go with him to see someone,so you can both be heard and can decide if this relationship is as solid as you want it to be.

    #861870 Reply

    I’m with Laura in this one. What a rude advice from some. I suppose some people feel entitled to pour their shit on others to make they feel better about their own lives. But whatever.

    I think you need to have a proactive approach in this. I mean, why does it always have to be the man the one proposing?

    My suggestion is YOU to make a romantic and beautiful proposal, the way you wanted it. Clearly this one sucked (and for the people saying it doesn’t matter, please have higher standards). He knows you enough to know that you didn’t wanted it that way. But, instead of expecting him to make it better, you do it better. If you want to have good memories of an event, don’t expect anyone to plan it. Do it the way you want it. I’m sure your husband would be very surprised.

    #861871 Reply

    *future husband

    #862109 Reply

    We are all different I suppose,but I wouldn’t care where the love of my life proposed to me or even what the ring was like,I would just be overjoyed that the person I loved wanted to spend the rest of their life with me.
    If it was actually truly what you wanted in your heart I doubt any of this would matter to you either and nor what happened with his ex and their proposal……your focus would be you and him.maybe it’s actually happened all too soon for you’s and you needed more time to grow together??

    #862246 Reply

    Eek! I agree being proposed to while doing laundry is not ideal, but it’s not like he didn’t try to do it someplace romantic. I don’t think you want to marry him, and you are looking for a reason not to marry. Either way, if you are that upset, refuse his proposal. Either he’ll propose again at some point or y’all will break up and the point will be moot.

    #862316 Reply

    I think the biggest issue is lack of communication. There seems to be an element of “he should know” here that I hope the OP works to address, because she’s placing all of her disappointment on his inability to read her mind:

    He should know that she wants a special proposal
    He should have known the original proposal wasn’t “right”
    He should have known not to propose that night when she didn’t meet him on the roof (or where ever he was planning to propose)
    He should have known she was disappointed and was crying.

    I’m not saying the OP should feel any certain way about the proposal, but she should really start to speak up about her needs and wants. He doesn’t have ESP.

    #862317 Reply

    One day I was in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere, and my boyfriend was standing in the bedroom talking to me. We were talking about a recent medical diagnosis I had received that would lower my chances to conceive. We were both 38 at the time and had already established we’d want to have kids if we were to get married. We decided together at that moment that we did in fact want to get married and to start planning the wedding. This was in November, and I didn’t actually get a ring until February? Our save the date cards went out before a ring actually went on my finger. We got married in May and have been married for 7 years. That may sound completely unromantic, but this was one of the biggest decisions either of us had to make in our lives, and I think we got off on the right foot coming to this decision together.

    My husband was actually also engaged once before, and I’ll be honest here, it has never occurred to me to ask him how he proposed. I think he might have mentioned once in passing that he did a showy proposal for her, and she reacted poorly. What happened in his past relationship really has no bearing on my happiness. Clearly whatever happened between them didn’t work out.

    #862328 Reply

    My advice about weddings:
    Being married is more important than getting married.

    also applies here:
    Being engaged is more important than getting engaged.

    The actual engagement should be the exciting part. But, if you wanted a different getting engaged “story” you should have used your words and said “I want this to be really special” and directed him to try again. You seem like you knew where it was going and tried to just nix it by not playing along. That avoidance isn’t really an adult way to handle things.

    Also, stop comparing this to his ex. Maybe the reason he didn’t do things the same way is that he did a grand gesture with the ex and things still fizzled. Maybe his mind-set is that a grand gesture doesn’t make it a good engagement. Though, we have no way of knowing, and neither do you, because YOU DIDN’T TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

    #862502 Reply

    I think it’s relatively normal to be disappointed if you had a certain image of something in your head and then the actual thing wasn’t like that at all.
    I think it’s also a pretty human thing to have a harder time dealing with disappointment over things that don’t actually matter that much in the long run.
    But if you really love this person and actually want to marry him, it’s important to let that go. You should certainly talk to him about it, because discussing your feelings honestly with a partner is one of the most important skills you need for a lifelong partnership, but you should let it go.
    My partner and I got engaged at a bar after talking about his grandfather who had died recently and my grandmother who was in hospice. We were talking about what we would do if one of us ended up in the hospital. At some point I stopped mid-sentence and said “oh, I think I might be asking you to marry me” and he said “yeah, let’s do it”
    And that was it. It was a surprise to both of us. There was nothing romantic about it except the excitement of deciding that we wanted to be married to each other.
    Put the proposal out of your mind for an hour and think about what it will be like to be married to him. Are you excited about that future life that comes after the wedding? Is he definitely the person you want that future with? If so, try to find the beauty in the proposal as it was, even if it wasn’t what you pictured.

    #862569 Reply

    LW has foolishly made the complexity/specialness/media-friendliness of his proposal a measure of his love and the quality of their relationship. Even worse, she has fixated upon his proposal to his prior fiancée as a measure of what he is able to do if he cares enough. Guess what? He tried the elaborate, super-romantic proposal in a foreign city. It didn’t work. He and she never married. Why would he want to repeat that which failed spectacularly for him? LW needs to realize that he doesn’t want his prior fiancée. He’s not about to repeat the game plan of that relationship.

    Yes, the marriage is what counts. Building the perfect social media life will disappoint you in the long run and send you down many a wrong alley. It is an ivitation to the addiction to drama and curating the perfect, phony life. Just don’t.

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