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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend and I can’t decide on where to live.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend and I can’t decide on where to live.

This topic contains 23 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by Bon Vivant Bon Vivant 5 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 24 total)
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  • #828636 Reply

    I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. He has become my best friend and I have strong reason to believe he will propose to me this year. I am a recent graduate and just received a job offer at a university in which I get great pay and benefits. This job is my only current offer and it is 2nd shift. Meaning, I will work from 4:30-12 at night. We currently live 15 min away from my perspective job. I am in no place to be turning down any offers and this job seems to be a great stepping stone in reaching my future goals. My boyfriend graduated college two years ago and has a very good job and is ready to settle down. His idea of the perfect life is to live rural. I’m not against the idea, but there is nothing rural around my job. He has been searching for houses and we looked at a house that is perfect for us. It’s in our price range, I love the house, the location is great. Except for the fact that it would be 51 min from my perspective job. He would also have to travel around 45 min to his work. We have done nothing but fight about if we should get the house. I don’t see much compromise coming from his side of things. Buying a first house is suppose to be a time in which I look back and smile. And it has been nothing but sad. I don’t know what to do about the situation and it’s put a lot of strain in our relationship.

    #828637 Reply

    You’re not compromising either, your commute would be the same for both. What is your boyfriend’s commute right now? Because your would be 15 minutes, how long does he take to get to his job?

    #828638 Reply

    Since you say that he likes rural living, I’m assuming that it also increases his commute as well. But having a long commute matters less when you work during the day versus when you are driving home at midnight. I think it’s reasonable for someone to be opposed to having a long drink that late at night because it can be less safe and it is easier to get burnt out on.

    I do think this is concerning, not just for this decision, but if you guys can’t agree on where to live now (and you not agreeing means fighting, not just talking through it), then how are you going to make decisions about anything in the future? I think you need to hold off on getting engaged until you two can make decisions together that work for both of you.

    #828641 Reply

    I’m in the don’t buy a house under these circumstances camp. Honestly, I wouldn’t love a commute that long, but if it was the right place and price, I’d jump on it. It doesn’t really sound like you’re happy with the location. And as much as he might be happy about it…you aren’t. So it shouldn’t be on the table. And if you haven’t even started this job, what’s the rush? Why not see how it goes for six months or a year before you make a huge financial decision?

    My husband and I have a rule on big purchases that either one of us is allowed to veto if we’re not happy about it. It’s never failed us. Sometimes it’s disappointing, but if you’re in a good partnership, you make decisions together, that both parties are pretty happy about.

    I understood you love him, and he’s your best friend, but buying a house together is a huge commitment. It’s not always easy to take care of that if you do split up. I’m sure your relationship is great, but 2 1/2 years is really not that long of a relationship. Personally, I’d wait until you are engaged, etc.

    (I bought a house with my ex boyfriend of 5 years in my later twenties. We broke up a year later.)

    Edited to add…I’d hate to be driving that far to and from in the dark. Ugh. No.

    #828642 Reply

    I’d hold off on buying a house if it is causing this much stress. We’ve bought two houses and neither was this much hassle. We are like anonymousse, either of us can say we don’t like it and it is out. No pushing or arguing or cajoling. We have to both like it and say yes to go with it.

    If the two of you can’t figure out how to do this without straining your relationship you aren’t ready for an engagement. I think you would be much further ahead if you went for couples counseling and learned how to work together in a way that leaves you both happy with big decisions rather than focusing on a house. This is a test of your relationship and your relationship is failing the test.

    I’d personally work out the decision making aspect of your relationship and then still wait until marriage to buy a house together. In the meantime you can see if you get the job and see if you’ll stay in the job. You say it is a stepping stone job. What would come next and where would that be?

    If you go ahead with the house you could get a small apartment and stay in it on the nights you work. That takes more income but keeps you from doing a long, late night drive. You need to find a solution that works for both of you.

    You might find that the wants and priorities of the two of you conflict too much to stay in a relationship. Definitely figure that out before buying a house together.

    #828643 Reply

    I think the way this plays out is going to show you whether your relationship is going to last or not. Couples fight, but it’s never a good sign if you fight a lot or can’t rationally discuss things and come to an agreement. If he’s trying to talk you into this house and you don’t want it, and the fighting you mention is him trying to get you to do what he wants…that’s really not cool.

    Couples counseling is a good idea. You should be able to communicate without much fighting. Don’t be bullied into buying a house that doesn’t make sense for you.

    #828644 Reply

    Never buy a house with someone you aren’t legally bound to. No no no.

    #828660 Reply

    Oh boy. Don’t do this. Take the job, and do not buy a house out in the sticks (with a guy you’re not married to) with an hour commute. You will be miserable.

    Unfortunately these disagreements on where to live / lifestyle are deal-breakers. It’s a deceptively minor thing, but it ruins relationships. It’s insurmountable. What happens is, one person compromises more or gives in to the other, then one or both of them hate their life, resentment builds, and you fall apart. You have to settle down with someone who wants *the same* lifestyle as you.

    If you don’t believe me and want to try this, take the job, let your bf buy his dream house but do NOT put any money into it, just pay him whatever rent you’d be paying anyway, and try out that life before you commit.

    #828694 Reply

    You should never make important purchases while you’re stressed out/emotional/hésitant. I’d recommend turning down the house for now and waiting for something to open up that makes you both comfortable. Even if it seems you don’t have many options, life has a funny way of surprising you. You’re beginning a career and possibly a new chapter in your romance and it shouldn’t be done out of any feelings of being cornered or desperate. You don’t want to end up in a living situation that leaves you resentful because that is very unhealthy for your relationship. Hope it all works out for you 🙂

    #828695 Reply

    Wait. Start with the new job and see in two years how you feel about a move. Enjoy the proximity as a help in your first important job. Really, why do you plan everything at the same time? Job, wedding, house hunting? Take it step by step. Start working. Find a new balance in your life and relationship as a working person, not a student anymore; then if you feel like it: get engaged. Then, perhaps when you start thinking of children, you can have a look at houses.
    This house hunting is a distraction for you. You are obviously focused on the job and it is good. It is the priority for you now. Tell your boyfriend to be more patient. Your career comes first.
    By the way: a commute of 50 minutes at night? No.

    #828696 Reply

    And don’t start the “compromise” path about an obvious bad choice. There is no compromise here. It is a “no way” answer.

    #829529 Reply
    Northern Star

    What everybody else said. Also, if you’re working opposite shifts and you both have long commutes, how much time are you going to have together, really? You’d be spending a lot of time alone in a house out in the country.

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