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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend broke up with me before I even got an abortion

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  • #874185 Reply

    3 days ago I found out I was pregnant which was unplanned. Me and my boyfriend have only being dating for about 2 months but we knew each other for more than 6 years. Before we decided to get together we dated briefly but never seriously until recently I decided to give us a shot and it was going pretty great enjoyed our times together and alone. He’s 32 and I am 26 going to be 27 in a few months. From the time we started dating he’s being talking about starting a family have kids and stuffs so many times I had to tell him to relax he’s moving too fast and its scaring me. I know I wanted to have a family too but not right now in the next 3-4 years. And I always tell him im not ready to have a child im not ready I have school stuff that Id like to finish that first focus on my business first then in the future we can do that. He has his own place always request that I sleep over, or move in with him and I feel like it’s too soon for all that its only being 2 months way too soon for any of that. So I missed my period for days and I started to feel weird for some reason I felt like I was pregnant when 5 days had gone by no period I freaked out told about it and he said I dont think you are pregnant so I waited another day or 2 no period so he wait till Friday I said no the next day went to work took 2 test both + I was screaming dying didnt know what the f I was going to do with school, my life, my parents, he hasnt even met my parents yet so I just couldnt that baby texted him to pick me up from work that day he did went to his place took another one + so we talked alot I cried and cried so then I wnated to chill and nap a little to cool off and dude wanted to have sex at that point I just wanted to be held and feel safe not having sex but after so many attempt I did to please him bc he often feel rejected when im not in the mood so I did not that I felt any good about it. So the next day I went to see my doctor they referred to me Planned parenthood for counseling bc I didnt know what I wanted to yet my OBGYN told me that I was 5 weeks and that I needed to act fast so I told her I didnt want to keep it spoke to him about it he had told me no dont do it I told him I cant keep it it’s too soon it wasnt the planned and that I’ve told him so many times that I dont want a child right now. So he said okay whatever I do hell support me so I schedule to get the abortion done he called me later that night and said if you get an abortion i won’t ever talk to you again oh I was explaining the situation to my friend he said that if you are willing to get rid of the baby you are not ready for a serious relationship, you don’t really love me if you want to kill our baby. I said to him being ready for a serious relationship doent mean that you have to have a child now we are new only 2 months I dont wnat to have a child now bc I had other plans and you knew it all along. Mind you I told him do not tell anyone about this and he went and told him friend about it without my consent violate my privacy. So I texted him the same night to explain things to him hoping he’d just talk to me he didnt I went to the clinic I waited 2 hours because i wasnt sure if I wanted to get rid of our baby I wanted him to call me or text me to hopefully made me change my mind he never did so i went on with it. Still until now he hasn’t said anything to me. Yesterday before I took the second part of the pill I texted him again a long paragraph he never texted me until now. So now I am confused, depressed not because he didnt support me but bc he let his friend get into his head and he broke things off even before I got rid of the baby. And im thinking what if I had kept the baby maybe he’d treat me like shit because to me it feels like the baby was all he wanted and didnt care much about our relationship or me at all. so I don’t regret my decision. I regretted getting pregnant altogether but I can’t take it back I just hope that God will forgive me and he to will one day and we both can move on to better things I know hes hurting and so am I but I wish he had called me the day of the abortion because part of me didnt want to get rid of the baby but I had to I had no choice. Any advice on how to move forward. In passing we will definitely run into each other how do I act moving forward.

    Add-on: for some reason I feel like he was trying to trap me with a baby idk I have so much going on my mind im trying to put the pieces together because he’s already telling me oh you are old enough to have a family yadi yada. Why am I scared to have a family? Which im not at all it’s just too soon for that like at least give it 9 months, 1 year, 2 years or so then we can start working on that not 2 months that’s freaking sick. Idk its alot to process im hurt by him not reaching out to at least wish me well. Another thing that’s killing me is people knowing me as fhe girl who got an abortion for that person. Or the kill who killed a baby smh. I feel so freaking dumbfounded I just wish I could take it all back. I regretted getting pregnant altogether my head is all over the place right now.

    Thanks for the advice

    #874187 Reply

    Take your freedom and keep walking.

    Between the love-bombing, the control, and the emotional manipulation, this guy is bad news. Way too heavy for two months – it sounds like it would have only been a matter of time before he started getting pretty nasty (nastier).

    I’m so sorry you went through this. You made the right choice for yourself, and most importantly it was your choice. Hopefully after 6 years, he’s not so entwined in your social group. Block his number and don’t look back.

    #874192 Reply

    Don’t worry about what people will think of you. He shouldn’t be going around gossiping about you. It’s no one else’s business. I’m sorry it all turned to shit, but this just highlights how he was not the guy for you.

    Take your time with men. Don’t rush things. Be more careful about protection. If you’re struggling, you can look into therapy. Are you in school? There should be a counselor available for you. Good luck.

    #874193 Reply

    OMG, what a jerk this guy is. Manipulative and cruel. And what is that “don’t you want to have a family” garbage. After dating for two months? When you’re not ready to have a baby with anyone, much less this ridiculous asshole?

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with this, but I think when you look back on it later, you’ll feel like you made the right decision.

    If you take anything away from this experience, let it be this: use birth control every. single. time.

    #874194 Reply

    This guy has shown major, major red flags of being an abuser. Pressuring you into sex you didn’t want to have, pushing you to move in way too fast, pressing you to get pregnant after a few weeks together. That sort of pressure to combine your lives so fast isn’t actually romantic or a sign of great love- it’s something an abusive partner does to get you under his control. What sort of birth control were you using? It’s possible he sabotaged it. Or if you weren’t using any- was that a decision he pressured you into?

    You did the right thing. Good for you for being strong and making the decision you knew was right. Please stay far, far away from this guy. You will have the chance for motherhood when you are ready, with a great partner. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. I suggest you get counseling. A therapist can help you work through your feelings about what has happened and help you learn to see the signs/listen to your gut earlier and avoid guys like this in the future.

    #874197 Reply

    Give yourself the gift of staying the h3ll away from this guy. I see not one single redeeming trait about him, but the only thing I really needed to see was this:

    “… texted him to pick me up from work that day … I cried and cried so then I wanted to chill and nap a little to cool off and dude wanted to have sex … “

    He begs for sex while you’re crying and freaking out!? WTFFFFF?

    Every single thing about him is gross and mean — too many to list. Thank your lucky stars he took his anti-choice BS out of your life. If any small-minded people gossip about your choice, you can just tell them, “Yes, I didn’t want to chain myself for life to that loser.” Or, “My medical care is none of your business.”

    Get some therapy to help you recognize when you’re being manipulated and learn a few more boundaries. (He feels rejected when you’re not in the mood?! Please.)


    #874198 Reply

    Wow, I missed that part, that’s really gross. This guy was bunch of red flags.

    #874202 Reply

    Be grateful he has shown you what a horrible person he is so early on, you made the right choice in the circumstances and have done nothing wrong. Don’t feel like you need closure or an explanation, just block him. It doesn’t sound like you’ve spoken to anyone about the abortion except medical staff and the idiot boyfriend, so you might feel better if you talk to a friend or close family member.

    #874205 Reply

    You did the right thing. He probably got you pregnant on purpose. Reproductive coercion is a tool abusers use. Block him and don’t worry about who he talks to about your abortion. 1 out of 3 women have an abortion in their lifetime. Its not uncommon. You’re not alone. Reach out to your school’s counseling service if you’re still feeling badly. Go back to planned parenthood for an IUD so no asshole can do that to you again

    #874212 Reply

    Jesus, you didn’t kill a baby. There’s no baby at that stage. It’s a glob of cells. You terminated an unplanned pregnancy.

    Anyway. This guy is the kind of controlling that becomes abuse. He’s a bad guy. I don’t know if he physically sabotaged your birth control because I don’t know what you were using, but his behavior was reproductive coercion, which is abuse.

    I also would not be at all surprised if he comes back and tries to guilt you some more and then “forgives” you. Don’t allow this to happen. This relationship was a blessedly brief mistake. Leave it in the past.

    #874213 Reply

    Also, like I said, I don’t know what precautions you were taking, but now would be the time to get some reliable birth control from Planned Parenthood. You can’t rely on a guy to prevent pregnancy. Even the ones who aren’t trying to get you pregnant often are way too careless. It needs to be something that YOU 100% control.

    #874278 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    I co-sign what Kate has said: you didn’t kill a baby, you terminated a pregnancy. There’s an enormous difference.

    Your ex is not a decent person and maybe if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, it would have taken you much longer to see that about him, which may have given him more time to manipulate you. I see it only as a positive that you are no with him, that he didn’t cause lasting damage to your emotional and physical well-being, and that you can walk away from this experience relatively unscathed, wiser and better for the lessons you learned.

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