Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend broke up with me before I even got an abortion

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend broke up with me before I even got an abortion


Viewing 10 posts - 13 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #874283 Reply

    Wow. You really dodged a bullet, writer. Ironically, this accidental pregnancy (if it was even accidental) may have saved your a lot of pain by ending it with an abuser early.

    Just say No to sex with pro-life men.

    #874503 Reply

    Second part of a pill, I’m confused. This was really hard to follow and read clearly but this caught my eye.

    #874505 Reply

    When I first started reading this I thought “oh no, she’s so young and this sounds like a train wreck, it’s going to end very badly.” By the end I was applauding the letter writer. She was with an abuser and going through an awful thing and still was able to think clearly enough to take care of herself and her future.

    She needs good solid birth control and a strong support system and/or therapy. But she’s going to be okay.

    #874506 Reply

    It was probably a pill that induced abortion. And she was probably instructed to take two pills, a number of days or hours apart. Not sure what’s confusing there.

    Yeah, it’s two meds:

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by avatarKate.
    #874508 Reply

    You will look back some day and realize that this pregnancy saved you from an awful relationship. Block him and don’t look back.

    In the future, if someone is pushing you to move a relationship forward at an uncomfortable pace, you should refuse or breakup. If someone turns to someone else other than you to discuss your important relationship issues, like this pregnancy, it’s a sign that you aren’t a couple and they will try to make couple decisions with someone outside the couple. Him discussing this with his friend and making a relationship decision with that friend was a terrible sign about your relationship. He considered the input of his friend as more important and more valid than your input. You should run from that type of situation. You usually see it more as family getting into your business but it can be a friend like in this situation.

    Be wary of the person who doesn’t respect you enough to respect your opinion and your needs.

    #874543 Reply

    If you were coming here to validate if what you did was the right thing, you did the right thing. You dodged an enormous bullet and it will be awhile before you fully realize that. I’m sorry you had to terminate a pregnancy, its traumatic. Take the time to heal and explore some more solid birth control options when you are ready.

    #874910 Reply

    Oh honey, I’m so so sorry you went through this but you absolutely did the right thing. This has all the red flags of an abusive relationships and yeah, he probably sabotaged your birth control, whatever you were using. Moving that quickly is not healthy and whenever someone pressures you to move fast like this, it is a huge red flag. You do not want to know what coparenting with someone like this would be like, I promise. Take care of yourself, get on a reliable form of birth control, and seek therapy if you can – these types of relationships are huge mindf*cks and cause trauma. You are not alone, hang in there

    #875916 Reply

    Oh, sweetheart. There’s nothing wrong with you, or what you did. I’m so sorry youve had to make that decision on your own, and go through it on your own. You don’t need forgiveness from anyone, because what you did was not wrong. But even if you believe it was a sin; we’re told God forgives. So please don’t tear yourself up about it. You did the best thing for you, for that potential new life, and for your relationship.

    It was not right of him to tell his friends, or to treat you like that. It sounds like he put a lot of pressure on you to have kids. This is usually a red flag: sensible people are aware that it’s a big commitment when you barely know someone – you don’t know what kind of relationship you’d be raising kids in until you know a person really well! And abusive people are much more likely to try to get their partner to get pregnant; so they can control them via the child and so that it’s harder to leave.

    He has not been kind to you, at least in the situations you desctibe in your letter. You were crying because you found out you were pregnant, and he didn’t comfort you. He pressured you into sex and pestered you until you gave in, even though you were so upset. A kind, loving man wouldn’t do this to the woman he loves, because he’d respect her wishes, and he’d only want her to sleep with him when she wanted it. You blame yourself for not being ‘good’ at it because you were upset, but this sounds like you were sexually assaulted – having sex with someone because they won’t stop until you give in is not enthusiastic consent, and it should never have happened to you. It’s not your fault, but that should not be how a man behaves to his partner. I think you need to think about the ways i which this was an abusive relationship, and consider counselling to help you get through what’s gone on recently.

    This is more general advice, but:
    If you can afford it, get a reliable form of contraception; I mean like the mirena, copper coil or implant. It might be a good idea before you get back with him, or before you date anyone else. Somehing that he can’t control and might not even be able to see. The implant leaves a bruise for a week or so, so maybe a coil is better for anyone who is with a man who might get controlling or violent if they found out. Obviously I’d recommend honesty whenever possible, but if you feel pressured into having kids but end up stayig with a guy cos you’re figuring out what to do (or how to leave), try to avoid getting pregnant however possible.

    Finally; It’s entirely possible for you to be in a relationship and not ready to have a baby. Hell, that’s most relatonships until things get really serious! Most people do this, and protect themselves until they plan a pregnancy together. Don’t let any man or woman tell you that if you love them, you have ot have kids with them when you aren’t ready.

    #876354 Reply

    It sounds like you made the decision that was right for you, even if it felt/feels hard. You’re figuring out both your relationship AND your feelings about having an abortion—-that’s a lot on your plate! I hope that you will take care of yourself and treat yourself like you would treat a dear friend or sister. I’m glad you came here to share what’s going on. I also hope you have someone in your life who can listen to you without judgment and help you sort through all the things you’re thinking and feeling.

    If you don’t have someone you trust to talk to, you can also call the Exhale Talkline. It’s a free, confidential, personalized post-abortion counseling service that isn’t political and is all about making space for people to share their own experiences. There are lots of ways to feel after having an abortion—relief, sadness, a combination, and many more-and the people at Exhale have heard it all. I’m a doula and nurse, and I’ve worked with many people having abortions who’ve found it helpful. You can get more information at

    Here’s some info from their site:

    Are you looking for someone to talk to about your personal abortion experience?

    (U.S. Pacific Time)

    Call us: 866-4-EXHALE

    Sunday 4 p.m. – 8 p.m.
    Monday 4 p.m. – 10 p.m.
    Wednesday 4 p.m. – 10 p.m.
    Thursday 4 p.m. – 10 p.m.

    Text us: 617-749-2948

    Tuesday 4 p.m. – 10 p.m.
    Friday 4 p.m. – 10 p.m.
    Saturday 2 p.m. – 8 p.m.

    Exhale offers a free, national talkline and textline that provides emotional support, resources and information. All calls are completely confidential and counselors offer support and respect without judgment. The Exhale talkline is available to individuals who have had abortions, and to their partners, friends, allies, and family members.

    Who calls Exhale?

    People of all backgrounds call Exhale, and everyone’s experience is unique. Some people feel relief that the abortion is over and just want to tell someone. Others feel a sense of loss and are looking for ways to work through their grief. Parents, friends and partners want to learn how they can best provide support. People may call the day after their abortion, a month after or years later.

    Counselors will support you with Pro-Voice Counseling, which: values your emotional well-being and welcomes the full range of emotions; approaches you as a whole person, recognizing that many facets of your life are part of your abortion experience; respects and works within your belief system (religious, social, and political) to support your needs; works with you as you discover new strategies for your own emotional wellbeing.

    We know that you are resilient and resourceful and that you have personal strengths that will help you to take care of yourself.

    At Exhale, we believe there is no “right” way to feel after an abortion. We also know that feelings of happiness, sadness, empowerment, anxiety, grief, relief, and guilt are common. Abortion can be hard to talk about and finding the right person to talk with can be difficult. Exhale provides the opportunity to talk with someone who supports and respects you, in a safe and confidential environment.

    #876513 Reply

    +1000 for ‘just say no to sex with prolife men’ Men who see you as a walking uterus rather than a full and complete human do not deserve any kinda sex.

    Huge bullet dodged getting this guy out of your life. His moving too fast despite your protests is absolutely from the abusers playbook. He was trying to gain control of you by asking you to move in (so you’d have nowhere to go when he turned up the abuse later), he may have gotten you pregnant on purpose when you said very clearly you weren’t ready. Honestly I kinda doubt he told his friends about the abortion, I bet he was just saying that to make you change your mind because you would imagine this “friend” judging you.

    You did what was right for you. And you are a whole person whose choice matters. Remember that.

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