“My Boyfriend Didn’t Spend Thanksgiving With Me”

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    November 24, 2023 at 10:49 am #1126760

    From a LW:

    “I’m 51 and have been dating a 51-year-old man, who divorced two years ago, for 8 months. He did make plans for Thanksgiving a few months ago and told me about them when I asked him if we were making any Thanksgiving plans together since we are in committed relationships. He said he always goes to his dad’s on Thanksgiving with his kids because he gets them on Thanksgiving and his ex-wife spends Christmas with them (they have 50/50 custody). By the way, it was his idea to be in committed relationship after our first month of dating, which I agreed to, because I prefer committed to casual.

    So, to be fair, I knew that I had to make plans, which I failed to make. If I were not in committed relationship with him, I’d see other people, and probably would have made plans, most likely. Incidentally, my friends have families that they went to visit, so I ended up staying home. It’s my first Thanksgiving alone. And as much as I felt like I was okay with that idea, it didn’t feel quite right.

    Overall, I’m feeling like my boyfriend only gives me time when he has leftover time to give. In short, I always try to justify him and give him more time, but I feel like my feelings are not as important to him. He just called me to check on me on Thanksgiving Day while he’s there in Ohio with his family, I almost feel like being mocked when he’s asking “what are you doing today?” Am I wrong?”

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    Anonymousse
    November 24, 2023 at 2:36 pm #1126768

    Have you communicated any of this to him? Why didn’t you make plans for yourself or ask him what if he could include you if you know he gets his son on holidays? Or if you didn’t know, why didn’t you ask him? He to,d you months ago, and you didn’t make plans. Right? Am I confused?

    I think this was a test to see if he would include you and he failed that test. If you’re looking for a very attentive partner, it’s probable or possible that he can’t give that, but have you told him what YOU WANT or are you not communicating with him and just expecting him to read your mind?

    Be single and move on if you’re not happy with him but if you aren’t communicating your needs the only person to blame really, sad to say, is yourself.

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    Daisy
    November 25, 2023 at 2:25 pm #1126795

    Have you met his kids and spent time with them? If not, Thanksgiving dinner is not the best time and place to meet dad’s new girlfriend. If so, why didn’t you ask him if you could join them? Maybe he assumed you wouldn’t want to go. Maybe his definition of “committed” is different than yours (like, he means “not dating anyone else” while you mean “moving toward marriage, meeting families, etc.”). Maybe his ex was invited to his dad’s and he worried it would be awkward. We can’t possibly know — you need to ask him why you were excluded and tell him what you want in the future, then see if that’s something he’s on board with.

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    November 25, 2023 at 3:26 pm #1126796

    Frankly, I don’t see the problem here. You’ve only been dating 8 months. He told you he was spending thanksgiving with his dad and his children. He didn’t drop this news on you. You had plenty of time to make alternate plans, so that’s on you.

    If you were disappointed he didn’t ask you to join, you should have told him and listened to his reasoning and then maybe compromised. Like you two do your own thanksgiving celebration the week before or after. Instead you somehow tried to test him or something? You’re 51. Use your words. Communicate.

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    Miss MJ
    November 27, 2023 at 5:15 pm #1126863

    Oh, my goodness. What? “I almost feel like being mocked when he’s asking “what are you doing today?” Am I wrong?” Yes, you’re wrong.

    And what’s up with this: “If I were not in committed relationship with him, I’d see other people, and probably would have made plans, most likely.” You knew well in advance your SO wasn’t going to spend the day with you – so your “committed relationship” excuse doesn’t fly. You set a trap for your SO and it backfired.

    You’re too old to be playing games like this. If you wanted to spend the day together, you should have said so. If he couldn’t because of that specific situation – his kids and family – then you could have set up alternate plans. Instead, you did nothing and now want to blame him because it felt shitty doing nothing on Thanksgiving, even though you knew full well he wouldn’t be able to be with you on that day and you deliberately chose to not make other plans.

    Next time, take control of your own holiday. Playing childish and stupid games leads to winning childish and stupid prizes.

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    ron
    November 27, 2023 at 6:27 pm #1126867

    Your bf has dependent children. 8 months seems early to be bringing a new gf to Thanksgiving dinner with his children and dad. To each his own, but to me this is a foolish test of his commitment to you. And why does being in a committed relationship prevent you from having Thanksgiving dinner with others? He has done nothing which indicates he isn’t living up to his agreement for a committed relationship. You seem to hold a strange definition of ‘committed relationship’ which you should discuss with him, especially as to how it relates to his children.

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    LisforLeslie
    November 28, 2023 at 7:45 am #1126871

    I’m 52. Here are things I’ve learned:

    1. No one has ESP; no one can read your damn mind.
    2. If you want something you have to ask for it
    3. If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen
    4. Sometimes people disappoint you. Only you can determine if they are behaving selfishly or maliciously.

    It sounds like that trip is in a separate state, where he and his kids get to see his parents after months apart. So yes, maybe he wanted to spend as much time with his parents since he may not get to see them that often. If they are anything like my parents, that weekend was spent fixing stuff and running errands and listening to them talk about family and friends that you’ve never met.

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    November 28, 2023 at 10:08 am #1126876

    The holidays can be hard — I’m sorry you had a lonely Thanksgiving, LW.

    But, I also don’t see a problem. You may be in a committed relationship, but eight months in with his divorce in the not-too-distant past and with kids in the picture, I don’t think it’s a big deal that he didn’t include you in his plan (which he made when you’d been dating just a handful of months). This isn’t a reflection of his feelings for you and if you haven’t even told him how you feel, it’s not really fair to say he’s dismissing your feelings. You thought you’d feel okay spending the day alone but you weren’t… that’s okay, but it’s not his fault.

    “If I were not in committed relationship with him, I’d see other people, and probably would have made plans, most likely.”

    You “probably” would have “most likely” made other plans if you weren’t in a relationship? I mean… to me this kind of reads like you were expecting a committed relationship to save you from the life you have. But you can be in a relationship and still live your own life. What did you do for the holidays last year?

    However, if you feel like you’re not getting your needs met in this relationship and there are other instances in which you have felt disregarded, that’s something to think about. But you should talk to him about how you feel.

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“My Boyfriend Didn’t Spend Thanksgiving With Me”

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