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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend flaked on me

Home Forums Advice & Chat My boyfriend flaked on me

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  • #1109338 Reply
    DW
    Guest

    So, I have a boyfriend and we have been together for almost a year but was dating previously for a year before we made it official. Fir my birthday we made plans to go out of town and be together months before my birthday. Two days before my birthday he hit me with, what are you and your family doing for your birthday, WAIT WTH!! I told him that I didn’t have plans with them or any plans besides to be with him. He came up with a lame excuse of it wasn’t set in stone and it wasn’t brought up by mw again so he thought we weren’t going. Remind you he told me he asked and got those days off from work, we previously talked about were we was going, the restaurant he loves that he wanted to take me etc. Fir my birthday I laid the first few hours crying because I was said because I had nothing to do, plans, cake, etc because I was supposed to be out of town. Embarrassed because family and friends kept asking what happened to my boyfriend. AND angry that he would act dumb founded like we didn’t make plans until I pointed out he took my birthday off, so if it wasn’t plans then make it make sense to why you requested those days off. He apologized but I’m hurt and angry he would do that to me on my birthday. Would you break up with him?

    #1109339 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Maybe, if overall you’re more unhappy than happy. But if this is a one-off, I would say communicate your disappointment face to face in a non-confrontational way, just tell him how you feel and where you think the communication might have broken down. Tell him very clearly what you want and expect him to do on your birthday.

    Listen and be open to information from him like a weekend out of town may not be something he can swing from a financial perspective or is good at planning. Ask him about his expectations for birthdays. What is reasonable for him? What does he expect for his?

    Have a conversation and see how you feel. Allow him to try to make it up to you. I do think it’s weird that he did *nothing* at all, and I’d want to dig deeper into why.

    #1109341 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I mean, based on what you wrote I’m inclined to say yes, break up. I don’t know you both, maybe there’s more to the story and he’s not so bad. I have to think if you’re writing in to an advice site asking if you’re justified in breaking up, yes you are. You don’t need a single reason, but letting you down like this is a pretty good reason.

    I think it’s one thing to over plan or realize you can’t afford it or make promises you can’t keep- if you explain before the event. He acted like he didn’t make any plans with you and it sounds like he did nothing at all?

    He took the time off of work and is kind of lying/gaslighting you about what he said and what actually happened and wouldn’t admit it. To me, why deal with a guy like that?

    #1109342 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I don’t disagree with any of that, but there is the possibility that he thought he could do this thing and then realized he couldn’t and was ashamed and didn’t know what to do, or something like that, idk, it’s worth asking him. But yeah, this is pretty bad, the way it’s described here.

    #1109344 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, I agree he could be ashamed.

    It depends on how you feel about the rest of the relationship.

    #1109345 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Is this a pattern with him? He says one thing and does another? Makes promises he doesn’t keep?

    You both assumed that the other was taking care of plans. Are you typically responsible for your social plans and he sits back and goes along with it? Does he always go along with it, or only when he feels like it. Does he ever make plans for the two of you? I’m not talking about telling you that a friend is having a party – I mean, making a reservation at a restaurant or buying tickets to a show or making dinner at home with a movie you both like.

    Once he realized that the two of you were on completely different pages did he do anything to rectify the situation? Did he make a dinner reservation? Go to a bakery and buy a cake? Bring you coffee and a bagel for a birthday breakfast?

    Had he actually gotten you any birthday gift or did he screw that up too?

    If all of the effort of this relationship is on you – then it’s time to MOA. And I still think it’s sus that he didn’t cancel his day off when he thought you were going out of town.

    #1109346 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Yes, he could be ashamed, but that is not excuse for gaslighting and trying to make this her fault, for not mentioning it again. If he couldn’t afford the elaborate birthday he promised, he could at least spend the time with her, spending less. There is something fishy here. If she doesn’t get what is clearly the truth from him, MOA isn’t a bad idea. I’m not saying he had to follow through on initial plan if finances didn’t allow, but there was zero reason or excuse to be this brutal and leave her alone and crying on her birthday.

    #1109347 Reply
    Phoebe
    Guest

    I want to know more about what he said when you told him you guys had made plans to go away together. Did no one say, “so, what should we do to celebrate then?”

    I have to tell you, once you’re an adult it’s pretty unusual for non-milestone birthdays to matter to anyone but the birthday person. It’s genuinely possible he just thought travel plans had been dropped because no one had made any mention of it, especially if you’re the person who normally drives plans for you two.

    Did you end up doing anything with him that evening?

    #1109350 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    So was the mention of going away for your birthday months ago the only discussion you had about plans? If it wasn’t brought up again maybe he thought it wasnt a thing or was expecting you to tell him exactly what you wanted. I would have expected him to have done something special for your birthday though, unprompted. If this is a pattern then yes dump him, if a one off then you need to talk to him about what happened and why you were upset.

    #1109352 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    How old are you and did he explain or just be weird and gaslight you and then eventually apologize? Did he do anything for you for your birthday?

    Some adults don’t like a big to do and some do. Some are maybe recently out of teenagehood and a pandemic and are looking for any reason at all to celebrate lately- I know I am. I think if he told her all this and took it off work, he owes her an explanation.

    #1109392 Reply
    DW
    Guest

    So, I did what you guys asked and his response was he was getting ready for a contract he had coming in the next month and had tunnel vision and was selfish for work and it slipped his mind. We are both in our early 30’s. He did apologize and said that it will never happen again. No birthday gift mentioned from him on my birthday or after or anything else to do besides sorry. I actually broke up with him three days later because it just didn’t sit right with me and he was brushing it under the rug.He’s the one that likes to plan things and when I try to help he says he got it and that’s why I didn’t bring it up because he’s always on top of it.We talked about it a month before my birthday and he said don’t worry about it we will talk when it gets closer. He isn’t hard up on money and neither am I so I know money is not the issue. When I asked him why, he said yeah it was his fault and he was focused on work that starts next MONTH lmbo. Only explanation I kid you not, I asked was that the only reason and YEP that’s it. When I pointed out he took those days off, We talked about going to the place he loves, site seeing, me picking him up from the airport once he gave me the date and time he said nothing. I offered to go to his home town and he said no let’s go somewhere else to have more to do.This is not the first time he made promises he didn’t keep or pushed it to a later date. The few days after my birthday before I broke up with him he was acting like nothing happened and nonchalant. I wasn’t trying to do anything extraordinary or extravagant, just be with him, walk around and look at and site see, which we both love. Yes, he has made plans in the past, going out of town, dinner without me having to mention it again. We talked about it and boom it was done.

    #1109393 Reply
    DW
    Guest

    He didn’t get me anything for my birthday, no cake, ice cream, a card, balloon, smoke signals etc lol

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