December 2, 2018 at 7:00 pm #810732
When I met my boyfriend he was having an on off affair with a woman. He told her about me when we started seeing each other but she was much more upset than he was expecting. He was thrown by this and felt very guilty. They have creative project together she didn’t want to let go of and so they carried on working together and seeing each other regularly. Initially I was pretty laid back as I thought it was a kind of transition period but things just got worse. She asked for me not to go to social things if she was there and he obliged so I was excluded. Also it meant he had various compartments in his life and I never got to meet her or hang out so it was always separate. Also after an argument I walked into our local cafe and saw them hugging – she was comforting him. I felt really betrayed that he was discussing our private problems to someone who is love with him. It just felt really uncomfortable. Anyway its been six months and its not changing. I am thinking I need to leave. I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry and says I can’t stop him seeing his friends. I haven’t ever asked him to stop seeing her. Just wanted to talk about how it affects me. Is it fair that he calls her just a friend? They went straight from being lovers to friends and clearly are still very close. I know he doesn’t want to be with her but she still loves him. Is this fair what he is doing? I’m finding it hard to feel like I am number one. Is there any other solution than leaving?December 2, 2018 at 8:19 pm #810733
Yes, you need to leave. It’s hard to feel you are #1, because you’re not.December 2, 2018 at 10:12 pm #810742
Uh ya you’re the side chick. Leave.December 2, 2018 at 10:29 pm #810745
If you stay it will continue like this. Do you respect yourself enough to know this is not a relationship that will ever make you feel happy? Do you love yourself enough to walk away and expect better?December 2, 2018 at 10:50 pm #810748
When they use the “you can’t ask me to stop seeing my friend” cliche…she’s not just a friend.
Look at it this way. If he were really, really into you, he’d do anything to keep from losing you. He would have banished this woman from his life, knowing that her presence was upsetting you. He’d be scared to death that you’d leave him because of this.
Instead, he banishes *you* from social events. To keep *her* happy.
She’s the girlfriend. You’re the side chick. Move on.December 3, 2018 at 7:41 am #810762
Yup, you’re the side chick. He doesn’t invite you to events where she’ll be present, doesn’t that say everything? At best he’s being selfish so he can continue this “creative project”. At worst, he’s totally two timing you.
Aim higher. You’re worth more than what you’re getting.December 3, 2018 at 9:03 am #810767
Thanks everyone. I’ve never been in this situation before so its good to get clear about what is and isn’t ok. Of course I should be trusting my intuition but sometimes it needs a bit of a push. His creative project got kickstarter funding so now its a business that could carry on for as long as she wants to. And he will comply. Its bonkers because I know he isn’t in love with her or two timing. But the real thing here is that he doesn’t get the concept of making someone number one. Or being emotionally faithful. LisforLeslie you are right he is selfish. Love isn’t so important for him as being popular and having friends. Whereas I want a deeply intimate loving relationship. His relationships have never lasted very long. He is blind and thinks she is a friend. He just doesn’t understand what a relationship means or entails. From this relationship I am learning a lot about what it entails! So I guess its time to step back. I’m pretty sure he won’t fight for love and won’t give up anything for it.December 3, 2018 at 9:22 am #810768
LW my ex and I (15 years almost) had some problems when we started dated other people. Some people have the mentality of exes just cease to exist. Neither of us were willing to do that as we had a long established friendship and worked together. We weeded out the people who refused to handle that quickly. Others were more mature about it and understood. It did however involve the person we dated being priority. GF or BF were the person invited to events, although I don’t think we really did that much as we simply weren’t at events together often. Our relationship was priority with our new significant others with my friendship with my ex being an important friendship but not more important. There is a balance that can be struck but I have found that people who have never been in long relationships have a difficult time handling or understanding this. There are ways he could handle this that would be appropriate however he does not. You are right that he is putting her first and that is wrong all around.December 3, 2018 at 10:20 am #810772
Her feelings matter more to him than your feelings.
Dump him hard.December 3, 2018 at 11:15 am #810776
” he was having an on off affair with a woman”
This was a huge red flag that you ignored. A person who is involved in an affair isn’t worth your time or your commitment. They aren’t good at long term commitment. They aren’t good at long term relationships. Next time don’t bother to waste your time on a guy who is having an affair with a woman. There will be no happiness for you in a relationship with a guy who cheats.
Dating is a learning experience and you’ve learned a lot in six months. You have to learn to be picky.December 3, 2018 at 1:33 pm #810794
I confess to not understanding LW’s “having an affair” comment. Was she married? Was he cheating on a gf? Is the gf he cheating on the ex whom LW writes about?December 3, 2018 at 4:05 pm #810809
@amy if she is a friend (and a damn good one) she would have already introduced herself and would not have requested you to not be present at these events. Thats the big difference between opposite sex friends when you know theres more to it. They are very emotionally attached and after 6 months its time to walk away. When I first started talking to my husband he had “female friends” and one in particular who he had slept with made a statement that “they would always be friends no matter what”. She creeped on me and everything (meaning she added me on social apps.) She would stare me down at parties but would never say hello. I never said anything as my husband always put me first over them. Crazy though, less than 6 months dating these so called “female friends” all disappeared and here we are almost 7yrs later, happily married. In situations like this, if the opposite sex is a friend then they will act like one.