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My boyfriend hooked up with his best friend?

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #845938 Reply
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    Brooklynn

    My boyfriend has quite a few female friends which has never really bothered me, but one in particular he’s really close to and I’ve always felt a little jealous of their relationship. Well a few weeks ago I found out that they had hooked up one night a few months before I had started dating him. This made me feel quite insecure and jealous. He told me I was completely overreacting when I told him I was bothered by this. He promised it was only a one time drunken thing. I believed him and because I love him I never brought it up again. A few weeks go by and we’re all drinking and I find out from her that it was actually twice, the last time being a month before my boyfriend and I started dating. I immediately confronted him and he said that they had only made out and then she spent the night. I’m still extremely bothered by this though even though I know I’m overreacting. It’s just really weird for me to see them together knowing they’ve had sex and we’re at one point attracted to each other. It also hurt that he kept the second part from me. Would it be completely unreasonable to ask him to stop hanging out with her alone and not invite just her over? I’m by no means asking him to not be friends with her or to stop hanging out with her completely, it just makes me really nervous when I know it’s just the two of them together.

    #845940 Reply
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    Logan

    Given their past I don’t think asking them not to hang out alone one on one is a bad idea, makes sense to me, it’s not like your telling him to drop her all together.

    I would be paranoid as fuck if he was hanging with her with other friends around, because the other friends can always leave and go home and these two will be all alone, just the two of them,juuuust the two of them, ooooh heeeee said she was just a friend, you say she just a friend.

    As long as she is in his life? Your life is gonna be drama, drama, drama. Get into one fight and he gone go to her house and fornicate to some Marvin Gay. I wonder how strong you are to be able to not let this friendship bother you in the long run, Gooood Luck! Cause you gonna neeeed it!!!!

    #845941 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Do you have any reason to believe they’re sleeping together now? Has he behaved in a shady way with other women since the two of you have been exclusive? Does he have a history of cheating on girlfriends?

    If the answer to all of those questions is no, then this is all about you and your own insecurity. It’s not his job to manage your insecurity. It’s yours. And it’s not right to ask him to let you manage his friendships because of your own insecurity.

    Serious question: do you really think it’ll stop him from being unfaithful if you control when and where he’s alone with certain women? Spoiler: no, it won’t. It won’t stop him from cheating if he wants to cheat, and it won’t stop him from falling in love with someone else, and it won’t stop him from leaving you. You could severely restrict his contact with this woman, and all that while he could be falling in love with someone he works with that you don’t even know about.

    All you can do is trust. And if you can’t trust your partner, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. So, if you really think he’d rather be with his friend than with you, then you should move on.

    Some people just aren’t built to handle relationships with people who have close opposite-sex friends. It’s OK. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, then he’s not the right guy for you.

    #845942 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Yes this is unreasonable, because it doesn’t solve the problem. Either you trust your boyfriend or you don’t. And either your boyfriend is trustworthy or he isn’t. If the only thing stopping his tongue from falling into her mouth is that they don’t hang out alone, then you guys shouldn’t be together. If he’s going to cheat he’ll find an opportunity.

    So is he a cheater or not? If you can’t say confidently he’s not, then you don’t have trust and shouldn’t be together. If you can say he’s not, then you have no reason to police his friendships.

    #845943 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    If he wants to hook up with her, he’s going to hook up with her. And if you make her forbidden fruit, he’s going to either sneak around and hang out with her or he’s going to look forlornly at her from across the room when he’s with other people. So either you trust him to not be a dick and cheat on you – or you don’t.

    #845944 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think you have reason to be concerned. For one thing, he wasn’t honest (“one-time drunken thing”) when you have good reason to believe it was more than once. He likes her, he’s attracted to her, if you two broke up I bet they would hook up again. I think if you don’t trust him with her, you need to break up. This is going to make you miserable.

    #845974 Reply
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    ron

    You have no expectation of fidelity on his part prior to meeting you. He didn’t owe you a detailed sexual history, including all of his fwbs. So she is sort of in the status of an ex, with whom he remained friends, although she never rose to status of a gf. Treat her how you would treat the ex of any bf. BTW, I don’t think he lied to her. He told you he had sex with her once, not that they never made out, short of intercourse, on any other occasions. Unless they have been inappropriate since you and he became gf/bf and agreed monogamy, you have no reason to distrust him.

    #845975 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Restricting your partner’s social life doesn’t really help much because if he really wanted to cheat on you, he would. If you truly don’t trust him, then you shouldn’t be dating him. If you seriously think he’s on the verge of cheating on you, then you trying to regulate his social life isn’t going to really change the fact that you find him to be untrustworthy. I’m also a little curious about how long you’ve been dating. If it’s a while, then I guess I’d wonder what you’ve observed about him as a person that makes you expect him to cheat. If it’s a short time, then you really don’t get to dictate this stuff in his life.

    I think it’s pretty obvious why he didn’t tell you because you became upset and now want to tell him when he can or can’t see his friend.

    #845979 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Damn, you are insecure.
    Paranoia makes things blur.
    It’s time to face the truth.
    Gut feelings are never proof.

    You can’t handle them as friends
    There’s no way to make amends
    So it’s time to say bye bye
    Already I hear you asking why?

    Them as friends you can’t handle
    Explosive like a roman candle
    Bye bye now you must say
    All parties then go away

    Everybody knows the DAMN truth
    Everybody knows the DAMN truth

    (Break up)

    You’ve got to break up. Break up.
    Break up. Break up! Break up, break up, break up. BreaK UP! BREAK UP!

    ** Sung to Madonna’s new song GOD CONTROL.

    #846173 Reply
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    Wholesit

    You have reason to be concerned and should talk to him ASAP about it. Most likely your gut is correct. It almost always is! He hid this from you. Not a good start.

    #846178 Reply

    He promised it was a one time thing. He should have told the truth. He didn’t, and that promise/lie is what’s led to this distrust.

    When did you start dating?

    I don’t think you’re wrong for wishing they wouldn’t spend time alone together. You can’t tell him what to do. Personally, I don’t know if I could deal with that. If your gut/intuition is telling you there’s something there still, it’s time to move on. I can’t say it was necessarily an accident the this friend told you the truth… I would trust your gut on this one.

    #846187 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    It was in the past. If they wanted to be together. They’d be together.

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