- June 24, 2019 at 11:19 pm #846188
You are out of line here if all this happened prior to dating and offically becoming a couple. I can understand why you might be feeling insecure and jealous but at the end of the day you have to trust him. I think its okay to tell him how you are feeling and then see what he says. I think its a bad idea to forbid him to stop being friends because of you insecurities/jealousy of his prior history. I will say its odd that she disclosed information to you about their past unless you aked about it. If she isn’t coming onto him and causing problems between the two of you then you need to chill out. My husband had a female friend who he had prior sexual relations with that claimed to be best friends during the first months we dated. I personally never got to know her nor was I trying too. Real friends have a certain persona per say. You can feel a friendship vibe verse a interest vibe. She was sketch but I knew he was crazy about me and our connection was strong. She eventually disappeared and here we are happily married 7 yrs later. Most importantly listen to your gut.June 25, 2019 at 5:58 am #846212
This happened before you started dating your BF, so basically, this is none of your business. Don’t ask detailed questions about your partner’s sexual past. THis will only make you jealous. If they had one or two nights together, the fact is, they didn’t date and it led to nothing, so she is no threat.
Anyway, the more you develop your relationship with your BF, the more she will fade in the background as just a friend. No need to play a censor game, this is a lack of self-respect for yourself – below your dignity.June 25, 2019 at 8:00 am #846221
I disagree that this is harmless because they never dated after hook-ups. Seems things tend to happen after drinks which means they are sexually attracted to each other, but not compatible for a relationship. Thus, this type of relationship works better for them. Hate to say it, but the friendship is always going to be a few drinks from bad decisions. This is obvious from him hiding things from you. You need to figure out if you want to deal with this going forward.June 25, 2019 at 8:05 am #846223
He lied to her AND this situation really bothers her. Feelings aren’t always rational. She feels uncomfortable given their history, his lie about it and the time they spend together alone. I don’t think this is a relationship that’s making her feel happy.
His first inclination is to lie. That to me, means maybe there’s more to it.
I get the feeling it’s a pretty new relationship, too but I could be wrong.June 25, 2019 at 8:13 am #846226
I also disagree that if they were gonna be together they would be together, hence it’s harmless and the friend is no threat and she has to trust him. She actually doesn’t have to trust him. She either does or she doesn’t trust him. If she doesn’t, they should break up. This type of thing isn’t just unreasonable paranoia, it’s a gut feeling. I have no idea if the boyfriend would cheat on her or not, but come on, he might, right? Just because he’s currently her boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s completely committed to her and wouldn’t cheat. It’s really not that uncommon for a guy to have a friend he doesn’t date but is into and hooks up with. It’s not uncommon for guys to cheat either. But hey, either he’s that guy or he’s not. She needs to trust her gut and walk away if she doesn’t trust him. Telling women, “he’s your boyfriend, he chose to be with you, so you should trust him” is not helpful advice.
June 25, 2019 at 10:19 am #846246
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by Kate.
Personally, I didn’t say that a woman has to trust her boyfriend. What I said is here, the LW is jealous of the past. Past one-night-stand with a friend.
That doesn’t make sense in my opinion, as the BF doesn’t have to answer about what was his sex life before he met and dated hthe LW. That is personal freedom priviledge : don’t resent the past of your partner. This friend is not even an ex, just a booty call. And the LW has no elements to doubt her BF’s fidelity – during their relationship. Indeed, he lied or minimised the extent of their sexual past interactions, but again, they belong to the past. He doesn’t even have to give answers about the pre-LW period.
The only concern is the present. If he is flirty with this friend, acts attracted, OK, then there is a problem. But worry about a past booty call? No. I wouldn’t like my boyfriend to investigate about my past relationships and consider limiting my social life. I would just walk away of the jealous type.
Anyway, this is the kind of worry everybody has at the beginning of a relationship. Then either the relationship crashes – on that bump or for other causes – or these exes or past booty calls just stabilise as non-threats.June 25, 2019 at 10:24 am #846249
I agree with @kate and @Wholesit, especially this bit: “the friendship is always going to be a few drinks from bad decision.”
LW, your boyfriend chose to share a lie of omission with you: he told you just enough to seem like he was being honest, but held back on the parts he knew would cause you concern. That’s pretty shady. And why the heck is this woman talking to you about the time she hooked up with your boyfriend? That’s super inappropriate and reads like a flex to me (“you know I fucked your man, right?”). The fact that it happened *right* before you and your bf started dating is concerning too: there’s unfinished sexual business here. These two want to pounce on each other still, and you’re picking up on that. I’d cut your losses and run. I don’t think it’s bc your boyfriend and this woman secretly want to be with each other, either. But I do think they want to keep screwing each other and that his relationship status isn’t going to stop it from happening, even if he’s attempting to convince himself (and you!) of that.June 25, 2019 at 10:29 am #846252
FWIW, I do agree with everyone saying that your past is personal and your partner isn’t entitled to that information if it’s not relevant to the current relationship. But there are circumstances where an ex/fling/hookup is cause for concern, and the way the boyfriend and his hookup are acting about what happened between them sounds shady as hell to me. More importantly, it’s making LW’s gut send her a warning that she shouldn’t ignore.
ETA: To your original question, LW, no you can’t tell him who he can spend time with. Putting restrictions like that on your partner is unfair (barring working through infidelity), doesn’t work, and shows there isn’t enough trust to have a healthy relationship.June 25, 2019 at 10:59 am #846257
If you’re worried your man is going to sleep with his female friend, you’re in the wrong relationship.June 25, 2019 at 2:53 pm #846271
Sorry, but the past being private doesn’t apply when you hooked up with your “current best friend”. That makes it a “current” situation and one you should be honest about, no? Also, I agree this was a flex by the friend as well. Instead of limiting thier interaction, just walk away from this mess if he is unwilling to see the conflict here and fix it himself.June 25, 2019 at 3:03 pm #846272
Honestly, I’d feel differently if the facts were different. Hiding this fact already proves he is not forthcoming. When you hide something, you know it isn’t right. And her gut reaction says all it needs to.June 25, 2019 at 3:21 pm #846273
I think the fact that the friend told you is a bad sign. Agree it’s like her marking her territory and warning you.