February 18, 2020 at 5:20 pm #875587mellantheParticipant
Ideally, you should be able to trust your partner. In the longterm, relationships can’t work without trust. A big part of this is going to be you deciding if you can trust him, and seeing if you can get used to this new knowledge. It may be that you can feel more at ease once you get used to it and see that they aren’t behaving ‘like that’. If you get the impression they both have chemistry that they might want to act on, or there are any hints that they may already be acting on it, that’s a bad sign but it’s still something that would need to be confronted.
However, your post suggests that even before you knew, you felt something different about his friendship with her. Did it feel like something was off? Like chemistry? You need to reflect on why you felt jealous to begin with.
Do you get the impression his friend is trying to make a move, or make you feel jealous? It’s odd that she’d volunteer that information. If I was her, I can’t imagine bringing it up, how tasteless of her.
The other issue here is that you’re uncomfortable with the past. You have to learn to be comfortable with it, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to work with you. You’re right, it’s not fair to ask someone to cut off a friend altogether unless that friend is being very inappropriate in which case they should be doing that themselves. Notmally, I’d say it’s not right to ask people not to spend time alone as long as that alone time is innocent – because you should be able to trust him. However, drinking or spending time late at night with people there has been chemistry with is generally a bad idea – it sets the scene for slips to happen if people have feelings.
You could talk to him. Explain that you feel uncomfortable because of their shared history, and his lie. And that it’d mean a lot if he could reassure you and make you feel more comortable. Perhaps suggest that whilst you’re getting used to this revelation, they could keep meet ups in groups and avoid late night or drinking sessions.