From a LW:
“I have been in a relationship with this guy for three years now. A few months into the relationship he went back to our home country after his graduation, while I remained doing my first year of medical school. I expected us to break up soon after that but well three years along the line we were still together and in love well so I thought. I was home every summer then but we decided this summer I wouldn’t go home because of the World Cup interruptions. Early this year we had a fight about something petty that got dragged on till March. Later on after my birthday he started acting weird not communicating as usual but always online. I tried to reach out and apologize because I thought I was in the wrong but I couldn’t get to him . I knew something was wrong. By the time I finally got to him all he said was a lot had happened. At that time I didn’t think anything serious because I thought I really knew this person and what they were capable of. Well I was wrong. The next week he came texting normally and then went quiet again. So I suggested we take a break
Because he was not being himself. He just said if that is what you want. Which is so unlike him. So I insisted and asked what was wrong. Little did I know I should have left when I could. He started apologizing and saying how I would never see him the same again and he was going to lose me forever. Wendy the first thing I said was is someone pregnant and boy oh boy I was right at first guess. He didn’t agree at first he said he was not ready to face me and I left him. Next day he came to confessed that I was right. He claimed the time we were fighting he thought we were unofficially over. So all this happened after my birthday and it was a one time thing that went wrong. I was so hurt and so broken it’s a month later and I still am. We continued talking but he won’t talk to me about anything serious. A week after all this he came apologizing and saying how it was a mistake and how we couldn’t end like this . Truthfully I also feel we were not suppose to end like this . But after that he has been the biggest asshole claiming he needs time to decide. Am like decide what ? He claims am not sure and he doesn’t want is to get back and get his heart broken? Am here shocked like am the 21 year old who was cheated on considering forgiving you and carrying all this drama in my life forever for you and you are the confused one ? I do love him and it’s sad it look all this for me to realize that but it is worth it ? As much as I have realized how much I love him as much as we are so good together through this whole thing I have seen a different selfish hurtful side of him. But my brain and my heart are fighting each other.is this a situation to fight for love? But why do I seem to be fighting alone? Or is this a lesson where I let go ? Sad part is I can’t see myself with anyone else but I do know I deserve better..help “
Omfg NO. This is not a situation when you fight for love. You have no idea how many women write in with slight variations of this story. Every single time their boyfriend claims it was a one night stand that resulted in the pregnancy. Every.Single.One. If that sounds like an amazing coincidence isn’t—lying stupid cheaters are all the same and they all come up with the same bullshit lines. Girl, you are in med school headed for a successful life. Leave this dirt bag behind you. This isn’t love, it is fear of moving on. Love doesn’t result in cognitive dissonance, at all. When you are in a loving healthy relationship you feel safe and peaceful, not sick and like you are battling something. I wasted years of my life on a cheater, it isn’t worth it. Value yourself more.
This is a letter that I would ordinarily send a quick private response to, but I thought you were so in need of hearing multiple people tell you “HELL NO” that I posted your letter in the forums.
You are not “so good together”! You’re actually really bad together. This is not what a functional, happy relationship between two healthy people looks like. This is not a relationship worth “fighting” for. It is a relationship you need to walk away from. You’re 21. This is not the love of your life. Thank god.bondgirlMay 10, 2018 at 7:02 am #752363
Nope. Not at ALL worth your time or energy. You’ve got far more important things to tend to, like medical school. I sincerely doubt this was a one night stand. He’s already caused enough drama in your life, imagine how much more there will be once this woman has his baby, even if they’re all in another country. Aim higher!LisforLeslieMay 10, 2018 at 7:38 am #752365
OH HELL NO is not strong enough.
You are 21 years old. Your shitty boyfriend decided that since you were fighting he would make the situation better by sleeping with someone else? You only know about it because she’s pregnant. How many other people did he sleep with while you were fighting? How many people did he sleep with for other stupid-ass reasons? I’m sure he told himself that breaking up with you would have hurt you so much and he couldn’t do that. It’s bullshit. Because cheating on you is soooo much less hurtful.
I’ve heard similar stupid reasons from other idiots I’ve encountered. “We were fighting!” “I got drunk” “I was at a low emotional state and you weren’t around!” “I have needs!” “You were on your period” “You went to visit your mom for 2 weeks!” “I was on a business trip – it doesn’t count!”
It’s a lame ass excuse from a asshole. How could you possibly trust him again? And let’s not forget – his response was not “I’ve hurt you. I’ve done something terrible.” No – it was “You’ll see me differently now.”
Yeah you do – you see the person he really is. A person who would cheat on you for the flimsiest excuse and not tell you until the truth was going to come out and he had no option but to confess.
You can do so much better. You may love him, but he didn’t love you enough to deal with your problems constructively. Get tested for STDs – clearly he wasn’t using protection.briseMay 10, 2018 at 7:53 am #752366
LW, you are confused and hurt now because you have been betrayed and it is probably your first longterm relationship, your first breakup. But it is very common to find out your first relationship is not the right one. This is really a very wrong one. He isn’t reliable, your ways parted. Tell him good bye and focus on your own development. You will find a new love who will be much better for you. Don’t feel guilty for anything, and especially for moving on after this. There is no future for you here.FyodorMay 10, 2018 at 7:57 am #752367
Is it me, or is it strange to everyone else how many LWs’ boyfriends are having babies with other women? I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone in real life.JDMay 10, 2018 at 8:06 am #752368
Agree with all the above. Also, at 21, you do not need to be with someone who a.) can’t leave, or shouldn’t, as he has a child where he is and b.) is going to be paying child support and more for a long time. At his age and career level at that age that is a lot of money. You really don’t need that in your life at that age.
If I read your letter correctly, you and this guy even don’t live in the same country. You were only together for three months before he moved away, and you see him during the summer on your school break. You weren’t even planning to see him this summer. Does he ever come to visit you? Or is this just a phone/text relationship for the other 9 months of the year?
Do you really think this is the first woman he’s slept with while you’ve been away? She’s just the first one he’s gotten pregnant, and he had no choice but to tell you about her. And even now, he says he “can’t decide.”
This is no kind of “relationship” for a 21-year-old to be in. You’ve built this up into some kind of long-distance romantic fantasy in your head, and he’s off making babies with other women. Tell him YOU’VE made the decision, and it’s over. Date guys that are local, so you can actually spend time with them. Stop wasting time with this guy; you’re missing out on a real relationship.AmyMay 10, 2018 at 8:50 am #752379
You deserve so much better! It is hard to see it at first but in the long run youll realise it was the best decision. Someone who doesnt fight for you isnt worth having.