Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is like a father to his ex’s nonbiological daughter

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  • This topic has 21 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarBittergaymark.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 22 total)
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  • #1009710 Reply
    avatarLilly lovegood
    Guest

    So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while and I really like him and want things to work out but the biggest problem in our relationship is that he is “like a father” to his exes daughter. He’s not related to her but still gets her three days a week because he is her “dad “ I knew about this situation going into the relationship but it’s more difficult now because he and I want to move out of state. He’s talking about being able to visit once a month to see her and having an extra room for her in our house when we move… i’m very uncomfortable with the fact that he would be leaving me just to go see his “other family “ once a month. On top of all that, his mom and family are all very excepting of the situation and see her twice a week and call her their granddaughter. As a brief backstory to the situation, my boyfriend was with this girl for six years she ended up cheating on him every few months and eventually broke up with him and got pregnant by someone else, he took her back fully knowing that she was pregnant with someone else’s baby and decided to raise her as his own. They ended up breaking up again before she turned two years old. I really don’t know how to confront him about the situation but I really don’t want his ex to be my future family at some point if this little girl stays in his life. And for icing on the cake, I knew his ex before we got together and I hate her more than anything…with that being said I really don’t want to have anything to do with her at all. I don’t wanna sound like a bitch and say “I don’t want you to be apart of their lives anymore” because he sees her as his flesh and blood and I understand that, however, it would be different if he was the biological father and I would then never ask for that of him no matter what. I’m afraid if I talk to him and really tell him how I feel, he will break up with me.

    #1009718 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    You say you don’t want to “sound like a bitch” telling this man he has to choose what is essentially his daughter or you. But there’s really no other way you’re going to sound. What you’re contemplating is forcing the only father this little girl is ever known out of her life because you’re jealous or insecure or whatever. You knew going into this relationship that this was the deal, and I am mystified as to why you think it’s fair or ok in any way to force them apart. Of course his family is ok with this, why wouldn’t they be? Family is more than blood and this is their granddaughter.

    Let’s say he complies and cuts this girl out of his life. It will break his and his family’s heart and he will justifiably blame and resent you and you will probably lose him. Or, he realizes what an abhorrent, selfish demand you’re making by asking him to abandon this child and he ditches you – and you lose him. You need to either become ok and supportive of this or recognize that you can’t date a man with kids and break up. It’s completely ok to realize you aren’t up for this situation and that you need to date child free men. It’s absolutely not, under any circumstances, to try to rip your boyfriend out of his daughter’s life just because you would be more comfortable that way.

    #1009719 Reply
    avatarPassing Through
    Guest

    “I really don’t want his ex to be my future family at some point if this little girl stays in his life.”

    Then you don’t want to be in a relationship with this man.

    #1009720 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    This is not the right relationship for you. You can’t accept his situation as-is. You think he’d break up with you if you said how you feel. You’re trying to change him (yes, you are. You want him to feel that because this child isn’t his biological offspring, he can cut ties with her).

    Plus, do you really want to be with a guy who’s this much of a doormat that he’d put up with cheating on that scale, if that’s indeed what happened?

    You need to break up with him.

    #1009722 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    He adopted this girl. No, he’s not biologically related, but that doesn’t make their bond any less real. What you want will damage an entire family and break a little girl’s heart. Deplorable. Just break up with him. You don’t want to sound like a bitch, so stop being one

    #1009723 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    You need to move on. You are not emotionally mature enough to date a father.

    #1009725 Reply
    avatarSalli
    Guest

    Dear wendy, when i was a little girl, i had a man who wasnt my biological dad but treated me as his own fron the time I was born, so much so that he kept visitation with me even after he and my mom broke up. He was my daddy. Until he started dating this lady who wouldn’t let him see me anymore. Why doesn’t mt daddy want to see me? What did I do to make him go away? Will all the other people who love me go away too?
    Sincerely, your bf’s daughter.

    There are people in your boyfriend’s life who were there before you and if you leave will be there after you’re gone. He isn’t some toy for you to refuse to share. He’s a human, with a daughter. What great qualities in a man to show that dedication to his child, yes she’s his child. Blood doesn’t mean family. If you don’t want to share, find someone else that you don’t have to.

    #1012069 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    Your boyfriend has a daughter. (Yes she’s his daughter, biological or not.) You knew that going in and it’s not going to change. If you somehow manage to force him to drop his daughter like she’s nothing, well, then you’ll be a terrible person, as will he. Don’t be terrible people. There are plenty of men out there who don’t have children. Find one. This isn’t the relationship for you.

    #1012070 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Fwiw, my husband was raised by a dad who wasn’t his biological father but stepped in and was happy to have a little kid in his life. Biological ties are less important than whatever the glue is that really holds a family together. This little girl deserves to have a loving dad in her life.

    #1012308 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You don’t want to be honest with him because you know what you want is to take him away from this little girl. You do sound like a jealous, selfish monster who wants to take a girl’s father away.

    You shouldn’t date men with kids, ever. Do them a favor and walk away.

    #1013206 Reply
    avatarButtery
    Guest

    The only thing I can say here is that there is really something wrong with you. Wow. From what you wrote, you know this.
    I’ll never understand why adults would ever think they’re allowed to boss and control other adults. If you do not like it LEAVE. Easy.

    #1013207 Reply
    avatarButtery
    Guest

    And to be clear, sure you’re allowed to be selfish or whatever you would call it, so bounce, honey. You’re NOT allowed to tell other people what they should do.

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