This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Heartbroken 2 weeks, 4 days ago.
- June 4, 2019 at 6:30 am #844643
From a LW:
“My boyfriend moved in with me about 10 months ago. He still sees his ex wife’s niece several times a month for dinner but never invites me. (His wife left him 9 years ago) I thought this would change after we move in together but it never did. However I did get invited to one of the nieces engagement parties. His ex wife was there. It was very awkward. She said hi to him and gave him a smile but then she realized I was with him and she ran off. Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and I feel it’s a bit weird that he is so involved. I know it bothers his ex because she asked her brother to stop saying in contact with him but his response was “he does nice things for the girls.” I feel weird about it, like they just use him for his money. He has helped them financially.
I think he thinks there aren’t that smart so he need to make sure the girls grow up right with his advise. I also think he’s trying to prove that he the nice guy and she’s the bad person. She actually stopped talking to her brother for a while. Anyway They never had any kids. He actually compares his niece to my daughter which is absolutely crazy. I asked him finally why he doesn’t invite me sometimes to dinner with the girls.? He said what I can’t have relationships without you? Ouch!! That hurt me very badly. I told him that he was rude. He is included in my children’s lives when they come to visit and have dinner with me. I pointed out he took his niece out to dinner on her birthday and didn’t invite me. Which I was kinda of okay with until I found out her fiancé went to the dinner too. So I told him what the heck why wasn’t I invited. He starting to say we had moved in together yet. I told him we were in a committed relationship and he had finally met my kids and these aren’t his kids. They aren’t even his blood so don’t compare my kid to the nieces. Your just the uncle. He said I don’t know why I don’t invite you. I told him that it hurt me when he did that. It was thoughtless.
The only time we fight is when he thinks I’m judging his nieces. He few off the handle once because he thought I said is she afraid to fly. He told me it was none of my business. I was floor and hurt deeply. Unfortunately we were out of town by 4 hours otherwise I would have Uber an hour to get away from him. I was married 30 years and my husband would have never said that ever to me. I told him that he was rude and needed to stop this over sensitive stuff when it comes to these girls. Nobody is prefect.
The thing is they are very nice girls. I don’t blame them I blame him. That was an awful night. So when I spoke to him about all of this the following week I told him it is pretty apparent that you have no aspirations for me to get to know them which is very strange since I’m your partner. Basically I feel like I’m in line behind them. I feel that I’m unimportant to him. He finally said maybe it’s because they ask him about his ex sometimes and he would be uncomfortable with me there. I told him if he’s speaks about his ex to the girls he’s crossing a boundary and interfering. It’s not his place. If they ask something about her he should just say, “well if you want to know ask your aunt.” Anyway he took the 17 year old niece to Italy for her belated 16 birthday and never even invited me. Needless to say that is excessive he didn’t even do that for his blood nieces. Oh then he asked me to go to Antartica later in the year with him but I’ll have to pay my way! He’s in the dog house with me.
I can’t help feeling he just doing this to spite his ex. The whole thing is weird. He’s starting to become less appealing to me. He’s hurt my heart bad. I think I should come first in his life and I don’t feel important enough to him to even think of me and how this might hurt me. Infact he didn’t even think there was an issue until I pointed it out. He’s clueless and selfish when he decides he want to do something doesn’t even talk to me about plans until after they are made.
Again what so weird is this is the only time we disagree about things. Otherwise we get along great and have a lot of fun. Do you think this is normal behave from the man who says he loves you?
PS the sad thing is if I was invited now I don’t want to go. I think it would just feel fake to me.
Heartbroken and losing hope. “June 4, 2019 at 7:24 am #844645
MOA, your relationship isn’t working. You’ve hit a deal breaker for you. Doesn’t matter if it’s the only thing you strongly disagree on. It has become extremely personal.June 4, 2019 at 4:15 pm #844698
MOA. This guy is very weird.June 4, 2019 at 4:44 pm #844701
I’m torn. An uncle by marriage being so invested in nieces seems odd but if he has always been present in their lives then they are family to him. The thing is…you don’t keep family secret from your partner. You introduced him to your kids. He should have introduced you to them, particularly if they are so important ho him. There is no legitimate reason to exclude you. So why is he excluding you? So what if they ask about their aunt? What can he not say in front of you? You seem to have ideas about what is appropriate to say and not say but that isn’t really your call. Just because he paid for a 17 year old doesn’t mean he has to pay for you. I’m not sure what the dog house thing was about.
Look. It seems you are unhappy with how things are and it seems he has no interest in changing. You have reached an impass. Time to break up.June 4, 2019 at 8:21 pm #844708
This is where an ultimatum is appropriate. (They aren’t always.)
“Introduce me to these nieces and invite me to share time with y’all once in a while. Otherwise, I’m outta here.” Then follow through.June 5, 2019 at 2:16 am #844714
Honestly, LW? You sound fucking NUTS. You are so weirdly insecure and downright obsessive and threatened by an uncle maintaining a relationship with his nieces. You kept trying to make his motives seem sinister but only made yourself look deranged. Your constant belittling of him got tiresome to read awfully quick. Sorry. You do NOT come across well here at all.June 5, 2019 at 3:54 am #844717
So, you have met them, it is just that he sees them separate to you- that’s unusual but nothing particularly wrong in it, they maybe really value time with their favourite uncle, and you being there would just change the dynamic.I’d just let it go if I were you, if you and he were to make it as a partnership long time it would probably resolve in time. I don’t understand why you equate an uncle paying for a seventeen your old for a trip (perfectly normal) to him being “in the dog-house” for expecting you, a fully fledged adult, to find your own fare to Antartica–the two are very different.Is this actually because you resent the money he spends on his young relations? Don’t do that; everyone likes to help their young relations if they are in a position to.Hell,even I buy my niece and nephews the odd meal, and I’m a known skintifer.June 5, 2019 at 5:35 pm #844759
MY uncle and I are very close. He lived with my family when I was growing up and we were also roommates when I was going to college. I am closer with him than I am with my own brother. I really never met any of his girlfriends even when we lived together. You know why? Because I don’t give a shit about some women that he is dating for less than a year. When we spend time together it’s about us, not about the women he is dating. Maybe your BF and his nieces don’t want you there ruining their time together, because it’s only about you.
He is also totally in the right to have relationships with other people without including you. Are you seriously going to Gatekeep the relationships that he has with other people? Does it get you off to control him like that?
You also say that they can’t be close because, well jeeze, they aren’t actually related by blood. What a shitty thing to say. You can love many people with out being related. I hope he MOA’s away from you.June 6, 2019 at 1:15 am #844775
I’m sorry this is a snap shot of our relationship. We have dated 3 years. I don’t have someone move in without being in a serious commitment. We consider each other life partners. I carry him on my insurance. This isn’t a casual thing. Did your dad take his niece and her fiancé to dinner for her 21st birthday without your mom? He even says he didn’t know why he didn’t invite me. This is the first time in almost 4 years that I finally said something. I thought after we moved in together it would change. I was giving him time. He actually doesn’t want me to bottle things up that are bothering me. He wants me to communicate things so we can fix them.
In no way do I NOT want him to hang out with his friends by himself. Nor do I want to go on every visit with him. He goes on a large guys group trip twice a year. Which is great. He has been out of the country with a female friend for 3 weeks. On average he is traveling out of the country for almost 3 months a year without me because i’m Not retired yet. Before he met me he was out of the country 9 months a year. That’s been going on for about 15 years. With that said he didn’t spend a ton of time with them until later. Maybe I didn’t explain it right. Oh and he’s not that close to the 17 year anyway. He is just making an effort which is great on his part. And yes I agree you don’t have to be blood. But again it’s just a snap shot.
I am not greedy I have paid for three trips for us. Spain, New York and Canada in the last 6 months. He lives in my place. I am in no way a selfish person or a gold digger. I work and have my own money. He has his own money and contributes.
Thank you to those people who tried to be objective and who didn’t attack my person. It helped.
I’m sorry if it sounded like I resented him paying for her trip. That’s not it at all. I was bothered because I wasn’t asked to go. There’s more to the money story there. Which I won’t go into.