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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is still in contact with his ex and he got caught!!

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  • #1009033 Reply
    avatarRosary James
    Guest

    I just found out my boyfriend of a year and a 2 months has been in contact with his ex over the course of our relationship. Neither of them been together since 2018 (she clarified that herself) but I guess she isn’t over him and he has led her on. She so happened to text me over the past weekend letting me know that she knew nothing about me, I’m not mentioned on any of his social media but continued to say she knew we were together for over a year. She flat out stalked me for some time until she thought it was okay to text me about how in love my boyfriend and I are . He told me that she wasn’t right in the head. She shared photos and videos he’s sent her within the last 3 months. He finally told me that she would threaten suicide if they didn’t remain friends or something of that matter so he continued to entertain her sexually and told her things she wanted to hear through messages. He admitted he was emotionally cheating. He never denied that nor justified what had been going on. I’ve asked him a number of times was there anything he needed to tell me(I felt it in my gut), he swore up and down there was nothing to tell. Now that the cat is out of the bag he is no longer “in contact” with her after she called him about stalking me. Why was it so simple now to leave her alone regardless of the ending result of suicide? Was it because he got caught? He also claims that they never had any physical contact after the time he told me that he was still entertaining others(we both did some dirt early in the relationship that we already put in the past) just sexting and explicit videos. I’m hurt because I asked him to be honest with me before and he just wouldn’t. Now she remains to stalk me on social media AFTER blocking me since she didn’t get the satisfaction of how I took the situation. I was very calm and cool about what she had to say didn’t say very much to her being that she wasn’t the problem and I didn’t want to give her any ammo to go off of. I guess she wanted me to be ratchet about the situation and she didn’t get under my skin like she wanted too. I don’t publicly humiliate people that’s not my type of ball game. The girl is upset because she doesn’t have a clue where my boyfriend and I stand in OUR relationship and it’s getting to her because she is still writing about me on her social media( yes I looked). What are y’all’s opinion on this? I just need some feedback on this.

    #1009059 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “ Why was it so simple now to leave her alone regardless of the ending result of suicide?”

    It’s because *he’s lying to you* just like he’s lied to you throughout your entire relationship. Or possibly he briefly stopped talking to her because he got caught, but will start up again.

    You need to break up. You never trusted him, and you were correct not to. He was sexting AND having an emotional relationship with someone else the entire time you were together, as well as hiding your relationship. No matter how tightly you try to hang into this, it’s going to fall apart completely (sooner or later) without trust. He’s not committed to you. He lies to you. He’s still very much into his ex. You didn’t win anything, he’s no prize.

    #1009095 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Oh yeah, this should be a deal breaker for you.

    What about any of this seems right to you? Do you really believe he spent the last year sexting his ex out of the goodness of his heart or do you think it was simply easier or more pleasurable to have a secret from you and keep this woman on the line in case you didn’t work out? Because I think it’s the latter. If she were truly suicidal, and he truly cared, he’d insist she get help, not drag this out for a year.

    She doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally healthy, but oh man, he just made it so much worse for her and never once thought about what was the right thing, only what was the easy thing all the while lying to you.

    This is someone who would withhold big truths from you – cheating, finances, feelings, health. Please rethink about a future with someone who will lie to you so they don’t have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

    #1009096 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Even if she was suicidal, which, no, that’s a lie he told you, then maybe he could have stayed in her life as a friend, been honest about it with you, and urged her to get help. But sexting with her and lying to you and keeping you a secret? Because she’s suicidal? Come on, you know that’s BS.

    #1009099 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Just to be clear, I never considered the suicide claim true; I was focused on the internet stalking and flimsy boundaries with an ex as unhealthy behaviors of the “other woman”.

    Can you imagine tho: Well he said she’d commit suicide if he didn’t sext with her. Isn’t he so kind to consider her emotional state?

    #1009101 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    I agree with @kate and @lisforleslie.

    I think you should at least go on a break (if not break up completely) with him to get some fresh air for clarity. Spend time with friends and family. Separate yourself from the dysfunction. No contact at all. B/F needs therapy.

    I also think you shouldn’t take this women’s stalking lightly. Maybe reach out to a Family Justice Center or Law Enforcement in your community. You might need a restraining order. You don’t know this women and for her to be so opened about stalking you, is beyond scary. Don’t take her threat lightly.

    They both seem unhinged.

    #1009104 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Right, the two of them seem like a good match, and that’s probably why they’re still carrying on their relationship.

    #1009107 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Eh, I think you are all delusional if you REALLY think anybody at the police is going to take her claim of being online stalked very seriously.

    Dump the cad. And move on.

    Of course you won’t do this —- as I suspect you LOVE drama.

    #1009109 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Delusional? Okay?

    mental illness is nothing to play around with. Stalkers are mentally ill people and this one is reportedly sucidual. LW knows her perpetrator and has blocked her but she continues to message her. That should warrant a restraining order as that is harassment aka stalking which is a criminal offense.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKarebear1813.
    #1009112 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    It’s all online stalking and the LW literally is doing the same to her. All she is talking about is creeping on one another’s facebook pages. If you REALLY think law enforcement will actually give a rip —- have at it. But you are in for one hell of a surprise. I’ve had friends with REAL in person stalkers and even then the police couldn’t be bothered until things got REALLY crazy.

    #1009113 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    PS — Also, if somebody is stalking you on social media. BLOCK them. It’s quite interesting that the CRAZY ex has blocked the LW, but the LW has yet to do that to her…

    #1009114 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Police are dealing with bigger issues that an ex girlfriend who sends messages of the “I’m still talking with him you know” variety. All the police will do is ask “Has she made any tangible threats? Has she approached you physically?”

    The ex hasn’t made threats to harm the OP. She hasn’t tried stealing her online identity, threatened her livelihood or otherwise damaged her. She hasn’t approached her in real life. There is nothing the police will do but shrug. Just because someone annoys you, does not automatically equate to harassment. Constant bombardment could be harassment but blocking their number and on social media will eliminate 99% of the issue.

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