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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is still married.

Home Forums Advice & Chat My boyfriend is still married.

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  • #1110457 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “Men are not wild animals that will startle and run if you express needs.”

    So much this. A guy who’s invested in a relationship wants to work with you and make you happy. A guy who doesn’t really care, but is ok with having you around, won’t even bolt. He just won’t do what you want because he doesn’t care. You can and should always say what you need.

    #1110460 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Also, just a typo in the first or second sentence…he is still married to his wife.

    #1110461 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    I personally don’t think being married is a big deal if everyone is upfront and aware of the situation and it’s definitely over, I have family members in those types of relationships. That said you’re clearly not cool with it so it’s up to you to decide if you’re up for the next however many years asking for something that is actually pretty normal. If he really wanted to do it he’d do it, especially since he knows how it hurts you.

    #1110462 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Peggy, I get you married the guy but you’re the small percentage who married the already married guy. It’s great that happened but the odds are not in her favor.

    #1110463 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Just to clarify my situation and if the guy is telling her the truth, the LW.
    Yes he was technically married, but had not seen/had anything to do with his wife for years. She was in another relationship too. I was not having an affair with someone still living with his wife.

    #1110468 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    So to break this down –
    Your boyfriend is technically still married.
    He knows this upsets you because it means that he can’t fully commit to you.
    He has made some half-hearted attempts to get divorced but if met with any resistance he just gives up until you get upset enough to motivate him to try again.

    So he’s fine with you being upset as long as his life isn’t inconvenienced.
    That’s a huge piece of information that you’ve been hiding from yourself. I’m very serious about that statement. You have been ignoring a HUGE red flag which is that this guy is NOT going to prioritize your feelings. Ever.

    He’s not motivated to make you happy. He’s motivated for you to not be so upset that it interferes with his life.

    #1110471 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Peggy, I’m not judging you, I’m merely saying maybe don’t give her the hope it’ll work out. Based on this, you really think he’s being 100% honest with her?

    Leslie makes the point. He doesn’t prioritize or give a shit about how you feel, deep down. If you smack a smile on, it’s fine, but if not, he’ll make half hearted attempts until you settle down. Then it’s back to the status quo.

    Would you marry him? What’s stopping you from pressing the point?

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by anonymousse.
    #1110473 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    He was married when you started dating.
    Right of the bat, that signals to him that you don’t consider the marriage to be a big deal, so he doesn’t do anything about it.

    It’s been 4 years. He’s still married. You’re still in a relationship with him. Once again, that suggests that the marriage isn’t that important to you.

    Have you actually said that you actively want him to get divorced?

    #1110474 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    @Ange, it’s a big deal in the US because if you’re legally married then your spouse may have legal rights to assets you accumulate while married. That could include savings, property, cars, etc. If and when you do get divorced, the judge is going to ask if you have assets to divide. If this guy bought a house or condo, he could be on the hook to have to divide that up with his wife.

    It also obviously keeps him from being able to move forward and have legal spousal obligations with the LW.

    #1110478 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I’m going to be totally honest, the last man I was in a serious relationship before I met my husband was separated when we started dating. However, here’s the difference- he was in process of getting a divorce. I saw the paperwork, he was open and honest about it and he got the divorce. And he was in a state in which I’ve heard divorces take longer than average (NY) but it still was not that long. I had also met his parents who also echoed the acrimonious relationship and divorce they had. Have you met his parents or family?

    It’s the four years of no discussion? No progress at all, that makes me pretty certain you’re in for a little heartache. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to prepare for the worst. Maybe your July 4th surprise is that he’s divorced and I’m a completely wrong asshole on the internet but I wouldn’t bet on it.

    #1110496 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    Kate it’s the same here, though it can be worked around with legal separations or whatever. You do get more legal rights as a spouse but you can also be pretty looked after as a defacto. Whatever arrangements are made seem to be ok with everyone at any rate, which is obviously not the case for OP.

    #1110516 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    How much is a no fault divorce? I know we had lawyers in the group before. I guess I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t get one, unless there was a hope for something changing in the relationship, sometime? But admittedly, I hate ANY clutter in my life, let alone old forgotten husbands/marriages.

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