Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is too harsh on my daughter.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend is too harsh on my daughter.

This topic contains 77 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 6 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 78 total)
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  • #830245 Reply

    Your daughter has only one person who will go to bat for her, that’s you!!! Stand up for your daughter! You have one job. Do it

    #830247 Reply

    And you had a baby with this jerk? Great. Just fucking great…

    #830248 Reply

    OMG! LW, I’m something of a Pollyanna – I try to find something good in letters to mention, rather than focusing on the negatives only, but I can’t find much good in yours. You are letting someone abuse your child – physically and emotionally – and then defending him to us with the classic, ‘but sometimes he’s nice’! FFS woman, take your children and leave him, go to a lawyer to help make sure he gets NO access to your daughter and ‘managed’ access only to his own child. If it was your idea to punish your 7 year old over her reports (!!!) then shame on you, if you let him convince you to, well, still shame on you really – this is abusive behaviour by you IMO no matter whose idea it was. Once he’s as out of your life as possible – and completely out of your daughter’s life – get help – for you so you don’t just find another abusive ‘stepfather’ for your kids and so you can learn some decent parenting skills, and for your daughter (and you if the therapist so determines) so the damage you have done to her can be repaired. Like someone above said, if I knew who you were I’d be calling CPS. And if someone does call them- a teacher, your mother, a friend – and you aren’t working feverishly to fix this situation – you may well lose custody of, and access to, your kids to either a family member or the foster system.

    #830249 Reply

    Lurker101, down here in the US it’s totally possible to fail kindergarten, especially if the kid is behind socially. Not super common but possible.

    #830254 Reply

    You punish a young child for struggling academically, and actually need to ask strangers what to do about your boyfriend who hits her (and then try to excuse him when the advice comes in and you don’t like it)? I’m beyond disgusted in you as a mother, a woman and a human being – you don’t deserve a hamster, let alone a child. I’m adding my voice to the “I’d call CPS if I could” group.

    #830263 Reply

    This girl will need a lot of therapy when she gets older. Your boyfriend is abusive.

    #830270 Reply

    Yes kindergarten is a common time to hold a child back a grade in the US. It has far less impact on them socially, if any at all, as they are so young that it doesn’t so much impact friend relationships or label them as the stupid kid who failed. It’s pretty common for teachers to do this as some kids just aren’t ready to move forward.

    #830272 Reply

    Guys, what do you think CPS is going to do about a little girl who was spanked once by her mother’s boyfriend? Considering they don’t seem to do shit about multi-kid situations where they’re being chained up and starved and raped and beaten and all kinds of other horrors.

    But to the woman who wrote this letter, your boyfriend is an abusive control freak and you should get your kids out of there and go live with your mom. Your boyfriend can’t be left alone with your daughter. He wants to keep her on punishment for first-grade grades! When her grades are actually improving! He’s an abusive asshole who wants to control women and girls and not let them have freedom. And you’re enabling him. This is so unfair to your daughter. You’re letting her down and failing her. If you’re not going to get yourself out of this situation, at least let her live with her grandma.

    #830280 Reply

    I can’t even believe you are defending him. “But sometimes he plays without hitting her.” Wow, father of the year, right there.

    You are choosing this asshole over your SEVEN year old daughter. It’s disgusting. Your poor girl will be permanently affected by this abuse that YOU ARE ALLOWING him to inflict. Why? Why are you letting this happen?

    You should ask your mother if she can be your daughters guardian, so she has a safe and supportive environment to grow up in. Clearly you don’t have her best interests (your job!) at heart.

    Who disciplines a small child for bad homework in first grade?? How is that supposed to be effective in helping her learn, do better or even want to try?

    You totally suck as a parent.

    I don’t care of you think my comments are mean. I have two small children and I can’t even imagine being this irresponsible and neglectful. You should be ashamed of yourself. You need help.

    #830281 Reply

    Your boyfriend is an asshole. He needs to know his role? His role is NOT parent. His role is to be a supportive person in your daughters life. He is not the disciplinarian. He is to NEVER lay hands on her again. The fact that he thinks it is acceptable to hit a child is ridiculous and you need to make sure he understands that he is never to hit or spank his son when that child becomes older.

    It sounds like you are punishing your child for not being smart. Is she failing her assignments because she doesn’t do them? Then yes, a punishment may be acceptable. A punishment for not understanding the assignment -what the ever living fuck? You’re in college now. If you walked into class today and your math professor put up an equation that was graduate level, (as in a couple of years from where you are right now), could you solve it? If not, do you deserve to be punished for not being smart enough to solve it?

    This is a critical age for kids – you have to help your daughter learn to love learning. Punishing her for not being smart or not learning the way you learn, I guarantee you, will have lasting effects on her ability to learn and her entire educational life. You only have a few years to get this right.

    #830287 Reply

    Your boyfriend treats your daughter like crap and you just let him? This kind of stuff follows children. He could be irreparably harming her and you’re watching it happen. You shouldn’t be with someone who treats your kid like that.

    #830289 Reply

    Your boyfriend doesn’t get the final say in how your daughter is disciplined simply because he pays rent. You don’t have to ask his permission to make a decision about her life, especially such an inconsequential one as whether or not she’ll spend the night at your grandmother’s. She’s YOUR daughter, these are YOUR decisions. He can offer his input, but the fact that he’s trying to make you defer to him is an enormous red flag that he is controlling. He is so controlling that your daughter COULDN’T EVEN COME HOME LAST NIGHT, or he would have inflicted an unnecessary, unjustified punishment on her. That is appalling. It is equally appalling that you are allowing this.

    He is abusive. He may have only hit her once (that you know of), but physical abuse escalates, so I highly doubt it will be the last time. The fact that he sometime plays with her and praises her for good behavior does not mitigate the times when he emotionally abuses her. It is despicable that you’re trying to justify abuse by pointing out that he’s sometimes nice to her. The emotional abuse he is inflicting on your daughter is causing serious, long-term harm. If you allow it to continue, it will damage your relationship with her. She will see that there’s a difference in how your boyfriend treats his own child versus how he treats her. She will grow to resent you and wonder why you allowed her to be treated this way and why you chose your boyfriend over her.

    What role does he have in her life if he can’t discipline her and tell her what to do? His role should be no more than that of a step-parent. He should support your disciplinary decisions, but should not initiate discipline. He should be a role model and a source of support for your daughter. He should not overstep, he should not make unreasonable demands for control, and he should respect your position as the biological parent who makes the primary decisions. It doesn’t sound like you ever had a conversation with him about his role in your daughter’s life and clearly specified what your expectations are. I’d recommend doing that now, but things have progressed too far, and there are too many red flags. You could try addressing this with a third party in couples counseling, but if that doesn’t help, you need to leave him, for the sake of your daughter’s emotional and mental health.

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