Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is too harsh on my daughter.

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This topic contains 77 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 78 total)
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  • #830317 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I have a 7-year-old, and the way you have treated yours is fucking appalling. You don’t discipline a child that age over grades!!! What the fuck is wrong with you? And you call yourself a good mother? Are you insane?! A good mother would be meeting with her child’s teacher on a regular basis to find out how best to support her, looking into getting her evaluated for learning disabilities or developmental disorders and advocating for treatment in the form of public services at school. Has your child had an eye exam recently? Had her hearing checked? There are a Host of reasons your daughter may not be meeting developmental and academic benchmarks and literally none of them are her fault!!! It’s Your job to figure out what the issues are and to address them. Instead, you’re letting your loser boyfriend hit your child and defending yourself as a good mom who’s made some bad decisions?! That’s like steering your car with a blindfold and calling yourself a good driver who makes bad decisions. Good god, your poor children.

    #830318 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    And, you know what, it doesn’t take a fucking brain surgeon to figure out that kids from fucked up homes where they are constantly picked on and abused might perform poorly in school, you pathetic excuse for a parent. This is YOUR fault!!! Your lack of responsibility and regard for your own daughter is truly astounding.

    #830319 Reply
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    RedBlue

    Sometimes it get so damn frustrating on here. We need a license to drive a car and we need a license to build a house. We need a license to have a pet but there is nothing to stop people from having our most precious things, our children.

    I’m not even trying to be blunt but something needs to be done to prevent stupid people from breeding and owning guns.

    #830320 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark=

    Yeah, this is depressing. I guess, you break up with him and whatever you fucking d0, LW, no more fucking kids for you. Ever. I’m serious! No. More. Kids. Ever. As you can’t pick men for shit — clearly!

    #830325 Reply
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    saneinca

    I don’t want to pile on the LW. After all she wrote in for advice because she knows things are not ok at home.

    I don’t think either she or the BF are beating the girl (except for the one incident that she mentioned)

    I think by punishment, they mean banning her from watching TV or playing games on the laptop.

    But it does not make much sense to punish the kid for struggling with studies. For all we know, the kid may have add or dyslexia. Not every kid fails because they are lazy.

    LW, think of your daughter’s emotional welfare. She already has a baby competing for your attention and the father figure at home is always yelling at her.

    That your BF wants to right to discipline her rather than taking care of her shows his bullying nature. And it does not matter if he is the sole breadwinner. And it does not matter if he is her actual father. He still does not have a right to mistreat the kid. And since you seem to know it is not right, you must do everything to protect her. Even if it means forcing your BF to take parenting classes, fighting with him or breaking up with him.

    #830327 Reply
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    LurkNoMore

    Long time lurker, but this post has spurred me into engagement.

    You don’t mention his interaction with his son, how he responds to him crying, etc, or whether he displays a disproportionate level of anger and violence towards the baby.

    You need to get your daughter away from this man. Not many people have picked up on Ron’s post, but this man seems fixated on your daughter and adamant that he should be entitled to do as he pleases, despite your input as a mother. You have failed to demonstrate that you will protect your child or take her side, both to this man and to your daughter – both of them will be taking note. You have failed to establish any boundaries as to what he can do to her. You have allowed him to manipulate you into believing he has paid for the right to do what he wants to her. People like him actively choose people like you.

    I am not saying that his abuse of her is currently sexual. I’m not saying he’s a paedophile. I’m not even saying it’s a certainty. But it’s a very real risk. There are adults out there who will use any means to control another human, even a child, and this man has already proven that he is not above this. You must see that this will develop into a possibility, especially as she gets older.

    You have already shown that your resistance to maltreatment is lukewarm at best. It is vital that you do the only decent thing NOW and remove your child from any possibility of this. My god-brother has attempted suicide six times because of what his mother allowed her boyfriend to do to him – this started out as excessive physical “discipline”. Don’t be that woman writing into Wendy in three years time that her new husband is taking a disproportionate amount of interest in your child, or in ten years time that your teenage daughter can’t forgive you.

    #830331 Reply
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    Hazel

    not piling on as enough has been said, just about the grades- not all kids are quick, someone will always be the bottom of the class, or second bottom, or third- and it doesn’t matter whether this is because of a named disorder like dyslexia or just that this is where they are. It doesn’t mean they are lazy, or unworthy, or won’t grow up to be a great human being. Lots of the smartest people in the world are nasty as anything. Please don’t punish your kid for this. And also, leave, find a better place for you and your kids.

    #830332 Reply
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    LurkNoMore

    I know our words will seem harsh – we all make bad judgements and mistakes, but some mistakes have the strong potential to harm someone vulnerable. At the very least this is emotional abuse. You yourself are at risk as well. I know you recognise that something is seriously off, so please act, even if your boyfriend is “just” a garden-variety bully.

    #830333 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Listen to LurkNoMore. Be worried for your daughter in your boyfriends presence; the rest of us are.

    #830360 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    Some step parents, once they have a biological child make it very obvious that the non-bio child is “less than” and they pick on them more.

    Still the fact that the only follow up comment you made was about money speaks volumes about you and your priorities.

    Your child is suffering and the only person who is helping her is your mother. You are punishing her for things beyond her control. Your boyfriend is adamant that she be punished even more. The both of you are treating your 7 year old horribly and expecting her to be more mature than possible.

    Abandoning her to her grandmother will have lasting impacts, I’m sure. But if your mother is a safe and loving space, then I say send her to your mother’s.

    #830365 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Step UP lady. Your child is unsafe in her own home. Do you know what happens to kids who aren’t safe anywhere? They are damaged for their entire fucking lives. Stop this before it gets worse. Drop down to part time college and get on long term birth control. Don’t bring another kid into this nightmare. You’ve already damaged your daughter stop letting it get worse and don’t give this jackass a chance to start in on the baby.

    #830369 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    LW —
    You wrote: “He said I don’t get the final say so over what happens to her because he pays the rent and if he feels that she should be on punishment she will be on punishment. He also said that I need to discuss everything that goes on in her life with him for example, if I decided to let her spend a night with her grandma I need to ask him first. I’m beyond drained and really don’t know what to do in this situation.”

    He starts by saying you give him no say over what happens to your daughter and then quickly shifts to what he is really demanding: he has the final say. If he says she stays on punishment, then he demands that this be the final word, regardless of your views or what is best for your daughter. He says that if you don’t agree to these terms, then he is done.

    This is THE TEST of whether or not you are a good mother. He wants total control of your daughter. If you say anything other than “I’m done, good riddance to you.” then you are a bad mother who has abandoned her daughter to this man’s whims.

    It shouldn’t have to be pointed out to you that his demand is unreasonable, abnormal, and frankly evil. You have to ask yourself why he would make such a demand. He doesn’t like having your daughter around? Then he should be thrilled when you send her to her grandmother’s house. He wants her home, under his control. That is certainly not good for your daughter and probably predatory.

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