Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend is too harsh on my daughter.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend is too harsh on my daughter.

This topic contains 77 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 1 day, 11 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 78 total)
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  • #830373 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    God, this turns my stomach.

    Watch abducted in plain sight.
    Read the gift of fear.

    Tell your mother you need her to take care of your daughter until you figure out how to be a responsible parent.

    #830375 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I have to agree with Ron and LurkNoMore. Your boyfriend is crossing a line and he’s becoming abusive. He probably wasn’t always like that. The thing with abusers is that they know they need to hide their abuse at first. Then when they have you in a more vulnerable position they become abusive. Moving out won’t be easy. He knows that. He knows it enough to begin feeling entitled to tell you what you can and can’t do with your daughter. He is telling you he will control her life even though he isn’t a parent and isn’t a guardian. This is the real him. This is the part he kept hidden until the two of you were living together and you depended on his income to meet the cost of living. This isn’t an accident that you have reached this point. This is fairly standard for abusers.

    Now it is up to you to get your daughter out of this situation. You and your son also need to get out but your daughter’s need is the greatest. Would you mom allow her to live with her until you can get a place of your own? Would your mom insist on having you pay child support? If your mom won’t take your daughter a second option is to go to a women’s shelter. They will take you and help you get back on your feet. You can call them for advice. They know all of the available resources and can help you in many ways.

    Your boyfriend is probably pretty persuasive. Most abusers are. They can be charming and wonderful. That’s how they pull you in. He can probably give you lots of reasons that sound valid about why he should have the final say in everything to do with your daughter and he probably has lots of valid sounding reasons about why she should be punished. You have to stand up against all of that. In the end you know that he doesn’t have the right to tell you how to parent her and he shouldn’t be punishing her. You know that. You know that the situation doesn’t feel right even if you can’t say what is wrong. You know that things are getting out of control. Your daughter is depending on you to keep her safe. That’s the bottom line. Keep her safe.

    #830376 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Women’s shelters are designed to take women with their children. You can take both of your kids and be protected.

    #830384 Reply
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    Oracle

    The boyfriend is only part of the problem. In fact, I think the mother is the majority of the problem. She seems really upset that the daughter had to repeat kindergarten. I bet she is one of those parents that really want a trophy child. And she is taking it out on the child for what she believes is the child’s shortcomings. Do you punish a child who is in first grade for getting a bad grade? You take away the TV and the computer, I mean come on. What is the child doing, spending all the time alone in her room? It’s just not the boyfriend. She’s not ready to help her daughter with the time she needs. She is paying the grandmother to do it. Here she is working full time, going to school full time, has a new baby at home, and when she does get some free time goes and gets her nails done. Heaven forbid she would spend some time with her children. The boyfriend is bad news The majority of physical abuse and sexual abuse cases come from the non-biological male living in a household. But this is a mother that is more interested in caring for herself and doing what she wants. And it’s not spending time with her children. I think grandmother either needs to step up or just where is this child father?

    #830388 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    LW, your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. You told him the rules regarding your daughter “don’t put your hands on her” and he broke it. You think it was only the one time but i doubt it. You had to go to his mother and plead with her to convince him to not hit your child. What kind of relationship i that?

    He doesn’t respect you. As your daughter’s mom, as a mom in general, a woman, his partner, etc. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.

    Take your children and go live at your mother’s. He will try to win you back with false promises and be charming but you’ll have to stay strong. Have some self respect and stand up for yourself and your children. A decent man would accept your word as law when it comes to your daughter, he’d be asking how he should best support you.

    **It also concerns me he called you about the spanking. He sounds like he was trying to get ahead of your daughter telling you…

    #830394 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The mother may be repeating what she learned in childhood. If you don’t get good grades there are consequences. Whether she was punished at such a young age who knows, probably this is what she learned. If you don’t get good grades you get in trouble. Education is valued enough to want the child to do well without an understanding of the support the child needs in order to do well. So you end up with a parent punishing a child for lack of achievement without considering why the child isn’t successful. Often, maybe usually, a child is behind in Kindergarten because the home wasn’t supportive enough meaning no one was reading to the child daily. Not enough nutritious food. Not enough adult/child interaction. Not enough dialog between parent and child. Failure to answer the child’s questions. Not enough stability. Moving around a lot. Loss or lack of important people, like a father. Boyfriends coming and going from mom’s life.

    We have a few families that come into the library who encourage their children’s curiosity. Parents who are willing to find the items that interest their child. So the child sees Phantom of the Opera and then wants to write a Phantom of the Opera book and the parents help write the book and found books about dance. The child watches The Prince of Egypt and suddenly the child is interested in Egypt so they check out all of the children’s books about Egypt. The child sees geese flying in a V so they check out lots of geese books. Those children go to school ready to learn but also already advanced in all sorts of knowledge areas and with huge vocabularies. If that isn’t happening in the home you get a kid who arrives in school behind most of the rest of the class. If the child is also one of the youngest children in the class they are extra behind.

    I’d give the mom the benefit of the doubt in that she probably wanted the child to do well and did what she thought would help. Now she is realizing that the child needs tutoring instead of punishment. The boyfriend doesn’t agree. He wants to continue punishment. Now mom needs to break free from an unhealthy dynamic. She is starting to do better for her daughter. Now she needs to dump the abusive boyfriend.

    LW You can support your daughter in many ways that will bring up her grades across many subjects. One thing is to answer questions and when you don’t know the answer you do a Google search to find the answer. If your daughter has an area of interest you go to the library and check out lots of books about that topic and then you read the books to her. If her reading skills are sometimes lacking she needs you to read the books to her to build her vocabulary. Children do really well with reading if the parent consistently reads to them at a level several grades ahead of where they read on their own. This works even with kids who are reading above grade level. You probably especially see it in kids who are reading above grade level. They get ahead because someone is spending a lot of time with them reading to them and answering their questions and finding the resources that support their interests.

    #830452 Reply
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    saneinca

    I missed the gem about he is done if he is not allowed to shout at the kid and punish her.

    There is your escape route. Tell him he is not allowed to discipline your daughter as he is not fit to raise a kid and he should leave immediately. However I suggest a few nanny cam recordings first for future reference in case of a custody battle.

    #830457 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity

    @oracle, I don’t understand your obsession with the LW getting her nails done. There are lot of terrible things in this letter, but an hour at a nail salon is not one of them. Parents can and arguably even *should* take some time for themselves every once in awhile, and if getting her nails done is how she practices self-care, she’s entitled to do so.

    #830465 Reply
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    ron

    Where is the girl’s birth father, or at least his parents, in all of this?

    #832496 Reply
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    Pumpkin

    OMG get AWAY from this man! He is going to damage your kids – either physically by losing control of that already on the edge temper, or mentally/emotionally by treating them like garbage. I know you’ll probably feel like everyone is coming down on you hard and you’ll feel defensive, but that’s just because from the outside looking in, we all see a disaster in progress. Get them out – put their well-being above everything else. Your mom sounds great – have her help you if you need it.

    #832501 Reply
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    Betty

    Your boyfriend needs counseling and to take parenting classes. It sounds like he has difficulty with anger management (“he gets in these moods and can be overly aggressive with her”) and he lacks the tools to know how to parent. If he is not willing to a) get help managing his anger and b) take parenting classes, then you need to MOA.

    #832503 Reply
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    ele4phant

    My older brother is my half-brother really, but we were raised full time in the same household. We have different fathers. His biological father wasn’t in the picture, my dad (his step-dad) was the only father figure around. And my dad treated my brother much like your boyfriend is treating your daughter.

    And let me tell you, it really fucked up our family. Not just my brother, who never really got any sort of loving fatherly attention growing up, but it also had lasting impacts on his biological children.

    My younger brother and I were clearly treated differently, and even as kids we could see that. That has created a ton of resentment from my older brother towards us, and a ton of guilt for us, and we’ve carried all that with us as we’ve grown into adults.

    You need to get ALL of your children, your daughter AND your son, out of this situation, because its going to impact all the kids.

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