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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend keeps going through my phone

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  • #1093548 Reply
    Nicki
    Guest

    So my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years and he is a very insecure person. When we first started dating he went through my phone and looked at very old conversations from almost 2 years prior. He apologized and said that he was just insecure since it was one time i let it go. I always let him use my phone for anything and he knows my passcode for it since i have nothing to hide but he typically uses my phone when he leaves his phone at work and needs to call someone using mine or for the tv remote app. For the past few weeks he has been going through my phone and even going to the lengths to download old dating apps i used way before dating him and even downloading and using my email to change the snapchat password to go through it ( i dont use snapchat last time i used it was my freshman year of college). And just last night he went through my text messages because he saw a long pop up notification for an appointment confirmation for best buy. He has accused me of cheating even when i havent and wont let me talk to old high school friends who may have had a crush on me but that was over 4+ years ago. I dont know what to do because if i change my passcode he will grow suspicious and ive had numerous talks with him about this. Im frustrated with the the snooping and accusations even when ive done nothing and he has found nothing, I dont know what to do. Any advice?

    #1093550 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    He is way too controlling. He might be insecure or he might be moving in the direction of abuse, but this constant invasion of your privacy and delving into your past is totally unacceptable. This relationship isn’t going to work. You should MOA, before things go from worse to worst, as your post reads that the frequency of his spying upon you has increased drastically. It’s none of his business what you did on dating apps or Snapchat before you met him. A relationship is built upon trust and mutual respect more than anything — the other attractions are as suited to fwb as to relationships.

    #1093551 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    Leave him, this will not end well.It will not matter that you have done nothing wrong, this level of suspicion will eventually curtail your friendships and freedom, and you will be isolated eventually if you stay with him.There is no good way this can possibly go. Move on. He is his own problem, don’t let him be yours, you deserve trust.

    #1093552 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Dump him. Pronto.

    I know of no human who “leaves his phone at work.” What even is that? He has no friends? no family? that he wants to call/text on his own goddamned phone?

    No one — NO ONE — should forbid you from talking to other people. That isn’t a thing, except from a judge. That right there should’ve been the line he crossed into break-up land.

    Are you LIVING with this person? That’s an important detail, because it changes the logistical advice on breaking up.

    You sound young, so here’s a heads-up for next time: don’t manage other people’s emotions for them. If he’s insecure (hint: he’s not; he’s just a controlling dick), he gets to work on that on his own time, with a therapist. You don’t get smaller to make others feel better. That’s not how it works.

    #1093553 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    How the fuck do you date some asshole like this for over two years?

    Dump this fucking losing. Stat!

    Clearly, it won’t get better. It is already only getting worse. He isn’t “insecure.” He’s a “fucking psychotic” to quote Heathers.

    PS: leaving him will be a fucking mess. I predict you will have to leave town and go into hiding. Sound alarmist? No. He IS that fucking batshit. Start making a plan.

    #1093554 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    PS — Yeah… the whole leaving his phone at work is 100% pure malarky b.s. Instead, he does that DELIBERATELY to fucking snoop and spy on you…

    Run! LW, Run!

    #1093558 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    Run
    This is toxic. So he’s insecure (he’s not, he’s controlling) that’s his problem to manage. You can’t do it for him by not talking to people or dressing down or sharing all passwords. It won’t work. It hasn’t worked so far & nothing you do will appease his “insecurity”. This kind of behavior always escalates, it doesn’t get better. Him forgetting his phone at work is bullshit. He’s making excuses to snoop on your phone. He’d go an entire night without his phone just so he can spend a few mins snooping on yours. That’s psychotic

    #1093559 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Yeah, you need to get out of this. This is controlling. He doesn’t trust you. It’s not going to get better, this isn’t the kind of insecurity that you can reason someone out of. If anything, it seems his behavior is getting worse and will probably continue to do so.

    My one experience dating an insecure guy was way better than this and it was still bad. And in the end he was the one who cheated on me, which I think isn’t unusual for the insecure. They suspect others of behaving as they would.

    #1093561 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This is abusive behavior that will likely only escalate. Run.

    #1093604 Reply
    laylas
    Participant

    Get rid of him. Yesterday.

    #1093612 Reply
    brise
    Guest

    Change your passcode. Do you realise that you don’t dare anymore to change your own passcode to your own devices? My god, you are so submissive. Just leave him already.

    #1094356 Reply
    Redgirl
    Guest

    Extreme jealousy, snooping on your digital conversations, forbidding you to socialize with certain people (because they MIGHT have had a crush on you years ago?!?!?) and accusing you of cheating (when you haven’t) are all signs of an abusive relationship. Get out NOW. It will only get worse. Trust me.

    For the future, please remember that being insecure doesn’t give someone the right to invade your privacy or control who you socialize with. EVERYONE is insecure in some way. I bet you have plenty of insecurities of your own. But we don’t deal with those insecurities by controlling other people or demanding that they make us feel secure. Your SO is using his insecurity as an excuse so that you’ll feel sorry for him and allow him to keep controlling you.

    I hope you make a plan quickly to get out of this relationship safely. I am worried for you.

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