Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My boyfriend plays Ghandi and hates that I hate my sons dad

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My boyfriend plays Ghandi and hates that I hate my sons dad

This topic contains 34 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hannanas 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 35 total)
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  • #834742 Reply
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    Elisa

    Fyodor, what you say makes the world of sense. My emotions are probably heightened (we’re all different) and I would benefit in being able to work through these with someone qualified and work them out and that would lead to me articulating them better around others (if at all). What you say in being right only does so much – is also very interesting. Thanks !

    Disclosure* I don’t talk about my sons dad constantly actually I don’t know how I came across as a negative nancy who does nothing but moan. Its maybe happened 2 or 3 times since knowing him but every time unfortunately we’ve had a disagreement. Point taken none the less I shouldn’t assume that he needs to be the one on the receiving end of me unloading all of this.

    As for a lot of people that mention custody arrangements etc….. there’s really nothing you can do to force someone into being a present parent. There’s more to a situation and I don’t feel like I need to go into it. And I didn’t realize how presumptive and judgmental some can be. I didn’t discuss custody anywhere in my post so it’s not really something I wanted advice on but thank you.

    Bittergaymark, do you have kids ? or is that just the attitude you have towards all none nuclear families? Uhm I am fully taking living with whatever is in my life as a consequence of my actions… I din’t realize I’m blaming anyone else for them in my post ? And if I said I am no one to stand in the way of my sons relationship with his dad … why would I do so through verbal influence directly or indirectly on to my child ?

    #834743 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I would agree with seeing a therapist. It sounds like your life revolves around hating this guy. That’s not healthy and it’s clearly impacting your relationship. A therapist can also help you learn to communicate with your boyfriend. You talk about what he says TO you, but never say that you sat him down and had a real conversation about the issue. Why he’s doing this, why you don’t like it, that you don’t feel supported, etc. If you haven’t done this, then this could be a good start.

    Also, I just saw your update, and you clearly mentioned custody in your post. You said that your ex is saying he’s going to seek sole/joint custody and you base your actions on that. People are bringing this up because if you’re acting like it’s such a precarious situation and that he can get custody at any time, then they assume that you don’t have a custody agreement.

    #834745 Reply
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    Elisa

    It does sound from your opinions that he is most likely trying to fix a problem that he sees me getting upset over … And I’m probably wound up with it’s translation and let’s be honest we all have emotions that we feel entitled to experience. It probably is about doing it in the correct environment.

    Just in case it wasn’t clear …. as I’ve said in my post I don’t feel as anyone that has a right to stand in the way of my sons relationship with his dad (NM my own feelings). I’ve clearly swallowed quite a few hard pills to continue facilitating a relationship with his dad in the first place. I would therefore not influence my son verbally (and un-bare my grievances to a 6 year old ? come on really?). No those are decisions and opinions he has time to form himself.

    #834748 Reply

    It’s VERY common for parents to complain or even try to turn their child away from the other parent after a split and during custody disputes. Even if you aren’t speaking to him, if he’s in the vicinity your son will hear it.

    We don’t know you. We’re only going off of what you wrote. In your first post, it sounded like this was a frequent thing. Now you say it’s happened three times? I mean, that seems like a small thing and that you should let it go if you’ve complained and he’s tried to help only three times.

    #834749 Reply
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    Vathena

    Re: custody, all I was saying is that it might help reduce your stress around the situation (and your need to vent to your bf about it in the first place) if you have a formal custody agreement that both parties have legally committed to upholding. Your son’s father might still flake out or have coparenting communication issues, but the expectations would be in place for both sides. It would also contribute to stability for your son. He ideally would know where he’d be and when, and not have his dad threatening to take him from his mom for a month at a time or whatever. As a child of an ugly divorce/split custody arrangement myself, I can understand why people don’t want to force a confrontation on the subject, but if you can come to a formal legal agreement it might take a lot of the stress off you.

    #834755 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    That sounds frustrating for both of you. You just want to vent and he sees a problem and wants to “fix” it by giving you strategies. Your boyfriend probably sees how upset your ex makes you and doesn’t want to see you in constant distress, so he offers what he thinks are solutions; it’s not malicious, but out of concern and love. The good news is this is a really common issue and it can be fixed with better communication.

    First, you really do need to figure out exactly what kind of support you want during these conversations (just an ear? agreement that your ex sucks?), and he needs to let you know what level of venting he can handle. On the flip side, it sounds like he wants more engagement from you when he’s talking about issues with his ex/kids. You both need to try the other person’s communication style out in order for this to get better. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it will become a lot easier over time.

    It also wouldn’t hurt to examine the way you approach/think about about your ex’s behavior. He sounds like a shit, and him being a crappy father is a constant reminder and a barrier toward getting past it. One of my exes used to tell me I needed to “forgive” and “get past” certain issues I had with my parents. The reason it was so hard to do that, however, was that the behavior that caused those issues was still going on. I didn’t need to get over it, I needed to create boundaries and decide how I was going to react to their known behavior. You KNOW your ex isn’t going to reply to your texts. You KNOW he isn’t going to be there for your son, so you need to have strong systems in place to handle that when it happens. Maybe that means you only update him weekly/monthly and during total emergencies (like hospitalizations). You can’t change your ex’s behavior, you can only change how you respond. Also, this has been mentioned, but you really need to get an official arrangement on the books regarding visitation. It sounds like you’re not in the US, so I don’t know what that looks like in your country, but at the very least you need a mutually agreed upon custody arrangement in place. I think it would alleviate a lot of the stress and annoyance you’re feeling to have set terms down in writing. I think doing all these things will also mitigate your need to vent about it so much, so two birds, one stone there.

    One last thing–you really should not be slagging your son’s father in his presence, so stop that if you’re doing it (not saying you are doing this, but if you are, this needs to be said). My parents did that endlessly and it impacted me immensely, and none of it in a good way.

    I’m sorry your ex is such a shit, but it sounds like you have a loving partner now; your issues aren’t insurmountable and tackling this will only bring you closer. Good luck!

    ETA: I didn’t see your update before posting this, so ignore anything that you already responded to!

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by TaraMonster TaraMonster.
    #834758 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah, who the fuck ever REALLY bothers to pen a letter to an advice site about something that has happened only three times?
    .
    NEWSFLASH: Everybody I know who ENDLESSLY complains about anything always claims they rarely do so. Just saying…
    .
    PS — If you are still wondering why some see you as a negative nancy — here’s an idea. Reread your own letter…

    #834761 Reply
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    ron

    I think this is partly a problem you have created out of your own fear. You shouldn’t fear a custody hearing, you should seek one. A lot of your problems stem from a lack of a legal determination. Your ex threatened you once about seeking sole custody, and you have been acting out of fear of that ever since. Talk to a lawyer, document the problem, get legal primary custody. That puts you in a much stronger position. I agree with your bf that hatred is a very corrosive emotion, especially toward someone who will always be sort of in your life, as the father of your child will be. It sort of is your bf’s business, because this level of hatred and venting about it can poison your new relationship.

    I think your bf is very wrong about suggesting nothing wrong with your ex taking your child out of the country. Seriously, your ex and your child may never return. That is another reason that you are badly in need of a formal custody agreement that the courts can enforce.

    I think you should avoid trying to discuss your son with your ex. That clearly isn’t working. His mother makes all the arrangements for visitation. Talk to her. Your ex sounds incompetent, in any case. I would encourage your lawyer to make your ex’s mother, rather than ex himself the official contact, if that is possible.

    It sounds like your ex may be foreign. That poses a more serious problem. It also sounds (don’t ask me why?) that you are British, which means your ex can travel freely with your son across the EU. Does your son have his father’s last name? Does your ex have access to official ‘papers’ showing paternity. He may not need your permission to whisk him across an international border. Since their is no legal custody agreement, I suspect you don’t even have any sort of preferred legal position now.

    You seem upset that your ex ignores your child. It might be best if he totally ignores him, although I doubt you will be so lucky.

    #834764 Reply
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    Elisa

    Bittergaymark what a fitting username

    #834774 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I wouldn’t allow the ex to take your son out of the country. You might never see your son again. Does it take your signature or a birth certificate that you have to get a passport for your son?

    I’m curious as to where you live. Some countries give mothers equal rights to children and some automatically give full custody to the father. Are you living in a place where men normally get custody?

    Does your son’s dad have citizenship in another country? If so would that country give him sole custody?

    #834791 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I still think there’s a big red flag that your bf thinks you should feel a certain way.

    You need to be able to tell your SO what you need and have him respect that. Sure, if you’re whinging daily about your stupid ex -that gets wearisome.

    One of my dearest friends divorced, at the beginning I once – ONCE – offered a motivation “Well maybe he … ” and she shut me down and said that was not what she needed. She was right. I was wrong. She told me what she needed from me and I support her.

    #834796 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Well, making an Ex a fullblown enemy combatant usually works out just swell for all involved… so have at it. Start WWIII and see how fucking great your kid turns out… I’ll call it now — NOT VERY.

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