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My boyfriend refuses to let me meet his family or admit to them he's dating

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #847483 Reply
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    Cady B

    So my boyfriend and I met last August and dated for 4 months, broke up for 4, and recently got back together in April. He’s met my parents and all 7 of my siblings and pretty much lives with me and my 3 kids. We’ve talked about getting married when we’ve dated for a year or two, my kids practically worship the ground he walks on and vice versa. My family is really fond of him. I make comments about meeting his family and he immediately shuts it down, absolutely no way. I went to church with him one time and he was doing the most to hide me from his brother that attends the same church as him. We were unsuccessful and ended up running into him afterwards, and my boyfriend was VERY upset about it. His sister calls and I have to be dead silent because Heaven forbid she hears me in the background and when she asks if he’s dating, he’ll deny it. His parents invited him over for dinner last night and interrogated him about me, stating they saw him with a girl at his condo’s pool one day when driving through his neighborhood. He gritted his teeth and denied, denied, denied until he couldn’t anymore and admitted that yeah he was seeing someone and would only give SUPER vague details about me. My age, I’m in school, I have a job, and no I don’t live with my parents. Refused to answer any real questions. He called me after and was complaining about the conversation, I kind of perked up thinking “well now they know I exist, can I meet them!?” “NO!” Still absolutely refuses and says we’ll just have to be better about keeping on the low.
    His friends know I exist and I’ve met them, same with his coworkers. But his family is completely off limits. They even told him that he needed to be careful because they don’t want him marrying the wrong person for him, and I just feel like they have this incredibly negative image of me and for really no reason other than his reputation with prior women and he’s doing nothing to make the situation better for his concerned family or for frustrated me!

    #847485 Reply

    1) Moved in WAAAAAY TOO SOON
    2) Your kids shouldn’t “worship the ground he walks on” – as they shouldn’t have even met him until you knew the relationship was stable.
    3) On again – off again is typically the sign of a bad relationship.
    4) Hiding you means he’s not comfortable with the relationship. As soon as he can be with someone he doesn’t have to hide, he’s out.

    You need to leave him.

    #847489 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    The problem isn’t that your boyfriend’s family will think you are the wrong person for him. Oh, no. The problem is your boyfriend KNOWS you are the wrong person for him.

    #847491 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    well this sounds as healthy as a tumor.

    OP – there are two reasons that I can think of for this situation:
    1. You are the wrong type of person
    2. They are the wrong type of people.

    Have you asked your boyfriend what this is about? Are his family all up in his business and nosy? Are they drama filled crazy people? Or is he embarrassed by you? Which is it?

    #847494 Reply
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    Oracle

    How much do you want to bet that his divorce is not final yet? And he’s ashamed of you. No way is he going to marry you. And no his family is not going to like you. To say you are wasting your time is an understatement.

    #847500 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    Good lord the things some parents do to their kids. You let your kids fall in love with a guy you’ve only been dating three months, when they shouldn’t even really know about him. You want to marry this guy at the point he should just be getting to know your kids and you want to marry him when he doesn’t want to let his family no you exist.

    How about we slow down here, not let this guy sleep over every night, and spend every night with your kids. Just date for a couple of years instead of marrying after a year and then getting a divorce once you have finally been with him long enough to find out he wasn’t the one!

    What’s the rush to move in and marry this guy? Are you racing your friends that are married? Does he want kids or something?

    #847502 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    His family has a bad image of you because he’s given them that bad image. He’s given them the impression that he’s ashamed of you. That he’s too embarrassed to even admit to them that he’s dating you.

    What strikes me as really weird is that he throws this in your face. You get to hear him freak out about his horror of having his family see him with you.

    I don’t understand why you’re allowing him to treat you this way.

    #847503 Reply
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    Vathena

    “His parents invited him over for dinner last night and interrogated him about me, stating they saw him with a girl at his condo’s pool one day when driving through his neighborhood. He gritted his teeth and denied, denied, denied until he couldn’t anymore and admitted that yeah he was seeing someone and would only give SUPER vague details about me.”

    It is completely weird that you know about this conversation, since you weren’t even there. He actually said this to you? “I gritted my teeth and denied that I’m seeing you until they got me to admit it?” Why would he tell you this, if he won’t even tell you why you can’t meet his family? You are leaving out something major, and I agree with everyone else, the fact that you’ve got your kids “worshiping” this guy just a few months into an on-off relationship speaks to your lack of good judgment.

    #847516 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Vathena: Yikes! What a horrifying thing to point out. I somehow glossed right over these damning points when I read this letter.?But whoa. You are so right here. Yikes! Just… yikes!

    #847630 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Oh my god. I agree with everyone else
    Someone you have been seeing for a few months should, under no circumstances, be “practically living with you” and worshipped by your children. He literally WILL NOT ADMIT HE KNOWS YOU IN PUBLIC. Seriously, what are you doing? As vathena said, he has so little respect for you and cares so little about your feelings that he complains to you about being forced to admit that he is associated with you, after repeatedly lying about that fact. He is openly lying and complains when he gets caught. What do you think this says about the kind of boyfriend he makes? You need to dump him right now. And in the future you need to make better decisions and prioritize your children. That means no introducing them to someone you’re dating for at least 6 months and until you know for sure that person is a good guy. That sure as shit means not moving someone in to your home, Jesus Christ, until youre in long term, stable, and healthy relationship for AT LEAST 18 months. You have now put your kids in a situation where they will pay the price for you moving way too fast with a jerk who will not even admit he’s dating you. Please don’t do that to them again. Go slower. Prioritize them.

    #847631 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You should read what @golfer.gal said aloud: “You have now put your kids in a situation where they will pay the price for you moving way too fast with a jerk who will not even admit he’s dating you.”

    This guy humiliates you by freaking out in front of you about how much he doesn’t want his family to know he’s dating you. And you still want to marry him.

    There isn’t going to be any marriage. He’s going to be gone in a few months. He’ll be with someone he doesn’t mind introducing to his family.

    #847632 Reply
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    Allornone

    I experienced something similar with my boyfriend’s family. Two years in, I had not met them and he made it clear that he was in no rush for me to meet them (yes, I know, HUGE red flag, but everything else about him was/is so on the level, I let it go. Besides, I was in no hurry to have a mother-in-law figure). It wasn’t until we were actually living together that he told them anything really about me and wasn’t until a year after that did I actually met his mother, brother and step-father. He never got grit-your-teeth angry about it; it was more just vague answers to questions about personal info he didn’t want to share with them yet. The thing is, though, he did share with me, and we talked about it. I asked him what was up, if he was embarrassed by me, even if he thought me being Caucasian was a problem (they’re Cuban). He assured me that it wasn’t me, but them, but if it really mattered to me, he’d introduce us. I gave him his space with the issue after that and a few months later, he took it upon himself to arrange for us to meet. So, while my story turned out well, it turned out that way because we were able to talk about it, he didn’t get angry, and ultimately, respected my wishes enough to do something that while he understood was more than reasonable, still made him nervous.

    Oh, when I met them? His brother hit on me, and his stepdad is crazy conservative and against immigrants (despite actually being one himself). Plus, they’re Santerians, which doesn’t bother me, but I guess it weirds out some people. So, yeah, totally them.

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