- This topic has 12 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 12 hours ago by Part-time Lurker.
January 14, 2021 at 10:25 am #1003906Dear WendyKeymaster
From a LW:
“I’m 17 which is already a confusing time for my life especially when it comes to deciding my future. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year but something has just come up that I don’t know if I can ignore. Throughmy relationship there has been occurrences where I noticed them but decided to ignore We had a discussion last night and he basically ended saying if I were ever to get “fat” or overweight, he would think I’m less attractive or “ugly” and would love me less than he does now and would push me to lose weight even if I hated him for it. My feelings were very hurt to say the least because over the past year, he’s shown immense love and caring for me, yet seemed to undo all of that with one argument. I’ve seen from my parents and other family members that when someone loves you, you love them no matter what they look like. You love for their character not their buddy type. I’m confused because he’s proven many times he really does love me and even waited for me when I wanted to take a break due to personal reasons. He’s given everything he has into this relationship but to say that if I became less attractive he wouldn’t love me as much and would make me work out, really made me rethink everything. He’s never given up on us and is always there when I need him. He has a lot of good qualities I admire but there are others I’m reluctant about as well.
I was raised in a Christian household and pictured myself with someone with the same mindset. He doesn’t like religion in any way and has a hard time believing in it altogether which is hard for me because I consider my religion a big part of my life. I use my parents as a guide who’ve painted me a picture of this couple who raised their children to look to God when they are in worry. I was hoping for that same thing. He’s told me with time that he would try to work on it, and that he hasn’t been into religion because he was raised in an aggressively religious household and made him resent it. I don’t want to force him to do something he doesn’t want to or to fake it, but I don’t want to give up on this big part of what makes me me.
He is also very progressive which overwhelms me. He wants us to get married and take about our future together and me moving in after high school but I’m nowhere near ready for any of that. I’m just a senior in high school and he’s my first boyfriend ever. I feel tied down and it overwhelms me to the point we get in arguments. I also know his love and passion for me supersede how I feel about him. I do love him but I know he loves me way more than I can give right now. I don’t want to commit my life to this relationship when I’m still a teenager. I’m scared if I stay with him, I’ll end up being unhappy later on and regretting not breaking up a long time ago. But on the other hand, he’s a wonderful boy who I know would do anything for me. He’s sensitive and isn’t scared to show it. He’s affectionate, protective, very patient and understanding, etc. yet still have a gut feeling he might not be for me. Maybe even a right person, wrong time situation. I just need advice so someone can tell me what the right thing to do is and how I can make things right. Should I ignore these things and address them later? Stay committed even with my gut feeling things won’t work out? Please help me.”January 14, 2021 at 11:20 am #1003952BittergaymarkGuest
Honestly, if I was 18 and my young hot boyfriend really started packing on the pounds… I’d move on as well. Why are you even worrying about such nonsense? It’s rather silly to start worrying about future weight gains.
But having read the rest of your letter… that is the LEAST of your worries. You are planets apart on religion. And that won’t change. I guess… eventually (like years and years from now) go find a good christian boy to marry, but make damn sure he genuinely wants to sleep with you. Any who gleefully want to wait until marriage at your age are most likely closet cases looking for a handy beard.
Don’t be one! Seriously!
You are VERY young. The only thing early marriage ever brings on is —- early divorce! Your present beau’s frantic rush to get married is a HUGE red flag. If you feel tied down —- you are. You don’t want this? Well, why should you? You are still in high school.
Date lots of boys!
Find out what you like. Settling for a clingy but “nice” boy will lead you only into a lifetime of regret.January 14, 2021 at 11:25 am #1003956KateKeymaster
Ugh. I don’t know whether to give him a pass for being young and stupid, but if you both were older I’d say dump him.
Here’s the thing: Part of the chemistry it takes to have and maintain a strong relationship IS sexual attraction. It’s not everything, but without it I think a relationship will eventually fall apart. You do need it. And in my heart of hearts, yes, I would be less physically attracted to my husband if he gained a lot of weight, and I know vice versa. BUT! I would never say to him, if you gained weight I’d think you were ugly and I’d love you less. That’s super inappropriate and gross and messed up and it’s a red flag.
And if I start to gain a little weight and feel like I want to work out more, my husband is all about being supportive of that, but he would NEVER in a million years say anything like, hey, you’re getting thick, or try to make me work out. And I don’t think he’d think I was “ugly” or “love me less” if I gained weight.
The sense I get from your letter is, he’s controlling. It comes across to you as intense love and caring, but I bet if I watched you two for a while, I’d observe controlling behavior. I’m picking up on it in a lot of the things you say, as well as your gut feeling. At 17, you don’t have anything to compare him to. My guess is this is not a healthy, lasting love.
Have you googled and read articles about controlling boyfriends and the cycle of abuse? Do that, and see if anything looks familiar.January 14, 2021 at 11:36 am #1003968BittergaymarkGuest
I’d love to know who brought it up. It’s such a teen girl thing to worry about. Like a Sassy Magazine article.
Find Out Your Love Is True!
100 Questions You Should Ask!
#38. Will you love me even if I get Fat?January 14, 2021 at 12:03 pm #1003993FYIGuest
99.9999% of the time it’s a crazy mistake to marry the boyfriend you had when you were 16. You (and he, I guess) are putting WAY too much future-fantasy into this, including the weight-gain scenario and will-my-kids-dad-be-an-atheist scenario. Chill. And break up, probably. It sounds like a drag to have some teenager talking to you about marriage.January 14, 2021 at 12:07 pm #1003997LisforLeslieGuest
Well at 18 you have a lot of opinions and perhaps not as much experience to process them. I mean, a lot can happen in 5 years let alone 50 years: car accidents, fires, disease, life can be a crap shoot.
LW – what I’m hearing loudly and clearly from your letter is that you have great affection for this person, but something is not right and you are not ready to put all of your eggs in one basket. GOOD! You are so young and you have so much to experience and learn and it sounds like you want to take those steps at your own pace. Also good!
Don’t plan the next 50 years of your life today! Maybe breaking up is the right move, I don’t know – that’s for you, but it’s ok to break up with him even if he’s not mean or abusive. If it doesn’t feel right you don’t have to run through all of your thinking, you can simply say “this isn’t what I need/want right now” and that’s enough.January 14, 2021 at 12:45 pm #1004033HelenGuest
What he said about weight gain was rude & usually a red flag, but maybe in a few years he’ll have the maturity to understand not everything should be said out loud. But there’s bigger problems in the relationship. You feel suffocated and you’re mismatched when it comes to religion. You’re also worried that settling down at age 17 is something you’ll regret (you will) Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought. And I agree with the conclusions you’ve arrived at. You shouldn’t settle down this young, with no other romantic experiences, with someone you’re not compatible with. What are your college plans? There’s a reason so many HS romances end at graduation. Breaking up doesn’t mean that he’s a bad guy or you never loved him. Like you said, the timing isn’t rightJanuary 14, 2021 at 2:08 pm #1004088FYIGuest
Hold up. How old is HE? If he’s not also in high school, then you could have a real problem on your hands.January 14, 2021 at 4:03 pm #1004169briseGuest
Just end it. You say many times that you feel overwhelmed.
There is no unconditional love in couples, that is for parents-kids, or pets-owners. Romantic love has a part of desire and seduction.
My main feeling is that your boyfriend is a fool.
End it. Tell him that this is too much for you, and then embrace your youth and freedom.
Talking about marriage when you are 17 is just mad.January 14, 2021 at 4:37 pm #1004201ronGuest
I wouldn’t wait for him to grow up. I also wouldn’t live in hope that a non-religious person suddenly becomes religious out of such a great love for you. His comment was awful. It is the sort of super-controlling shit that leads to eating disorders. You get to eat what you want, weigh what you choose, set your own exercise goals, follow your own religious beliefs (as long as you aren’t trying to convert him — that’s also rude and controlling). The two of you seem an awful match. He may lust after you, he definitely doesn’t love you.January 14, 2021 at 7:19 pm #1004342HazelParticipant
Ahhhh.. I’d move on. He was telling you something there, and it wasn’t a good thing. You are young and hardly anyone your age finds their perfect partner at that age (I know exactly one couple who have and that was because neither of them tried to control the other, ever, they even had a wee break when that might have been a problem-) -if I was you I’d move on.I mean, if you were disfigured in a car crash, would he still love you? If you just naturally aged as we all must? I’m not really judging him for this as he is presumably very young but that’s one weird thing to set out, that you mustn’t gain weight to keep his love, that’d be a nope from me.January 14, 2021 at 8:18 pm #1004396CopaParticipant
Wow. OK! So, you don’t have to have your entire future decided at 17.
His comments about weight gain and forcing you to go to the gym are gross. He doesn’t sound sensitive to me at all. I’m glad you at least know attraction is usually more than just skin deep.
Your mismatched values and goals do seem like the bigger problem, though, which others have pointed out. Sharing the same faith as your partner is important to you — it’s important to know that about yourself. He wants to move in together right after high school, you don’t. He’s ready to talk marriage and long term, you’re not. You feel suffocated, and that’s not good or healthy or normal. At 17, you should be soaking up everything life has to offer — fun nights out with friends, dating, getting educational and work experiences to figure out what you want to do, etc. — not moving in with the guy who makes you feel like your future together needs to be carved in stone this very moment.
Anyway, I say listen to your gut. It’s telling you something isn’t right. Not to mention, you’re never too young to learn not to suffer fools.