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My boyfriend secretly wears lingerie

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  • #862087 Reply
    avatarSarah
    Guest

    My fiancé recently broke our engagement with no explanation. We are still friends, still living together but not together. I was at a loss. His ex wife contacted me and told me something, he cannot get easily aroused unless he wears panties. Apparently only she knows this. So as we have always been on good termms (we co parent and are friendly) She asked him why he broke it off. Apparently It is because he can’t perform without the panties and is terrified to tell me. His ex made me promise not to tell she told me. I love him and he loves me. I’m ok with the panties but how do I get him to tell me without betraying anyones confidence or humiliating him?

    #862089 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Have you had problems with his interest in sex? You should tell him what she said. I wouldn’t immediately believe what she’s saying. Is it possible she wants to sow discord? Who knows. Regardless, who is most important to you- his ex or him?

    Why is she so involved to the point where she apparently is involved in the middle of your sex life? That’s really strange, even if she’s a coparent. She should not be the third person in your relationship. I guess she’s not, because you’ve broken up. You should probably take that as it is, and move on. Move out as soon as you can.

    #862090 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Hi Sarah-I am confused. Does this mean you have not had sex yet? Odd,if you live together. You only have her word for his “issue”,so it may or may not be true.
    My thoughts are that if he fully was comfortable in your relationship/with you,he would have told you about-ideally before you were engaged. He should feel he can discuss this with you. It is odd that he would break off the relationship with no explanation.
    I would tell him you love him and want to marry him and that you are hurt and do not understand why he broke things off. Tell him he can talk to you and the two of you can work through any problems or concerns. That gives him a chance to “come clean”.
    I would not say anything about what his ex said. It could be a lie or maybe he told her/she knows that, but it is being used as an excuse because he changed his mind about marrying you.
    If he won’t explain and things do not get back on track-I would move out and move on. Sorry,this must be very sad and confusing for you.

    #862093 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just throw his ex-wife under the bus, what do you have to lose at this point?

    #862095 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Yes, tell him. But first make him promise not to tell her that you told him what she told you. If he can’t have sex without panties, then either you must have caught him wearing them or you have noticed serious erectile dysfunction or extreme lack of interest in sex with you. In that case, I’d have thought it would be you breaking up with him, or at least demanding a serious discussion, rather than the other way around.

    #862097 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Maybe just stay friends and move out and move on with your life. Who breaks off an engagement with zero explanation? And your sex life must have been bad to none. If the friendship is what you actually value, keep it, and find someone who wants to marry you and you click with sexually.

    #862107 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    You said you’re ok with the panties so just tell him. Use your words. As far as fetishes go this seems tame. Also, please research fetishes. Fetishes usually start in childhood when a non sexual object gets sexualized for whatever reason. It doesn’t make you a deviant or a pervert. If you’re willing to accept this facet of his sexuality then tell him!! Probably nothing would make him happier

    #862108 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    You make sure he isn’t humiliated by not humiliating him! Kinks gonna kink. Roll with it

    #862128 Reply
    avatarSarah
    Guest

    We are very active in our church and have not had pre marital sex.

    #862129 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    This isn’t so much about his sexual issues, it’s about his being too chicken-sh1t to communicate with you. That does not make him good marriage material, at all. He should grow up and use his words. You want to be a mind-reader for your whole marriage? Or have a third party telling you what your own husband is thinking? Terrible, terrible basis on which to build a marriage. Move out and move on.

    #862130 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    But you live together and have kids? Okay…

    I mean, look, he still broke off your engagement with no explanation, which is pretty fucked up. You could make a last-ditch effort to talk to him about it, and definitely share what the ex told you, but honestly you may be better off as friends.

    #862131 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Sheesh, what!??!

    You’re living together but not having sex?! He has a child but has to act like y’all are virgins until after marriage!?

    Look, just stay broken up. Insist on open communication in your next relationship. Don’t rely on other people to interpret your partner’s behavior. And try to question what they’re telling you in church.

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