November 7, 2017 at 5:50 pm #726293
My boyfriend and I got together about 2 years ago. He had split with his (what I thought was soon to be ex) wife, he moved out, and he and I started trying to date. Also please I get the whole “you should have waited until it was finalized” speech because I already know that now, so that doesn’t really help. What I’m having a problem with is this: She got extremely jealous that he was dating and very depressed. He felt sorry for her and guilty for leaving so he was constantly lying to me about what he was really doing and he would hang out with her behind my back. He also lied to her about his relationship with me I found out. I wouldn’t really care if they were friends, but she was actively trying to get him back, and harassing ME personally, so I had expressed my misgivings about it before and he knew it was a problem for me. Anyway he and I broke up for about a month or two as a result. He was miserable when he and I broke up as was I. We just got back together 2 months ago. He had texted/called daily saying how much he wanted me back in his life and he was completely done with her, no attraction to her, He didn’t want to waste her time, he did not want to get back together with her at all, etc. He also said during the first week of reconciliation that he was planning on filing papers with the courts. Well now we’re back together but he STILL has not filed papers. It’s been 2 years now since they originally split. I feel I’ve been pretty patient but now I’m reaching ultimatum time, because I feel it’s beyond ridiculous at this point. I’ve told him several times. She still will text him at 10 p.m. at night. She told him they should still say I love you, because he said he loves her as a friend. She also still sends him photos from time to time. So I see him texting her “I love you” yet he’s saying to ME that he loves me, and I know for a fact that if I were speaking that way to my male friends that he would flip out on me. Also I know she is still trying to get him back. Please know that he has said he’s told his mother he is getting a divorce, and has told his family about me and that he and I are dating…I am trying to go by his word but I see no result. ALSO they have children and she won’t allow them around me. So at this point…is it appropriate to demand divorce papers or does it even sound like it matters and I should leave? I truly love him but this is too much for me. I am going off what he saysNovember 7, 2017 at 5:59 pm #726294
Stop listening to what he says and looking at what he does. Actions are all that matter. His actions are not those of a man who has moved on from his ex-wife and is in a committed relationship with you. I think you should MOA.November 7, 2017 at 6:06 pm #726295November 7, 2017 at 6:12 pm #726296
I second that actions are all that matter. He hasn’t filed for divorce because he hasn’t cared to file for divorce. Move on and quit the texting and contact. Go no contact and be done. Dragging this out for another year or two won’t help you. He’ll just say more of what he thinks you want to hear. Even if he files for divorce he probably won’t change the way he related to his wife. They have established a pattern and that pattern will be hard to break. Even with a divorce. That is between the two of them and you either accept him with his relationship or move on. I’d personally move on. This guy isn’t fully emotionally available. He wants both of you and if that doesn’t work for you then you need to exit.November 7, 2017 at 6:15 pm #726297
Good advice, except she is not his ex-wife, she is still his wife.November 7, 2017 at 6:33 pm #726299
He’s not over his wife and she’s got him wrapped around her finger. This is stupid, and you should move on.
The guy I started dating after I separated from my first husband, wasn’t comfortable dating someone who was still married, and asked me if I’d file the papers. I did, pretty quickly. I was done with the marriage and over my husband. Your bf is not even close.November 7, 2017 at 6:34 pm #726300
You should just leave. The thing about ultimatums is that you don’t know if they are doing what you want because it’s what they want too or if they are just trying to keep you from leaving. If he does file for divorce after you demand it, you don’t know if he actually wants to divorce her or not. And divorce doesn’t mean they can’t see each other — so nothing may end up changing if he isn’t doing it for the right reasons.November 7, 2017 at 6:35 pm #726301
A couple of thoughts…
He never really split from her. Yes, he physically moved out of their shared home, but emotionally, he’s still married to her. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, because what he’s doing is telling you this, loud and clear. He’s not divorcing her because he doesn’t want to. I can understand there still being a connection three months, six months from the separation, but two years? When he’s spent those two years in a committed relationship with someone else? No.
Since it’s been like this for two years, it’s pretty clear that he likes things just the way they are: two women in his life. You both fill some need for him, so he won’t break it off with either of you.
Also – since he has kids with the ex, she’s always going to be in your life. She’ll never really be gone. I was going to say that their lack of ability to set boundaries is going to make this even harder on your relationship, but it’s not boundaries – they both still want to be together.November 7, 2017 at 6:46 pm #726303
I didn’t get a chance to mention that we are living together. Which further compounds the problem. He and I bought a TV together (I know it’s not major but we got a credit card in my name for it). I asked him if I could send her an email letting her know my position and where he and I stood, and he allowed me to do that. I did tell her. She lost it with him. He shows me her text messages. He’s pretty transparent. My only concern is the replies I see of course now having told my story. He is stuck in a routine that is true and as someone mentioned patterns are hard to break. She won’t let him have the kids so he never has them at night. As I mentioned I truly don’t care about them being cordial with each other but it’s beyond inappropriate the nature of their contact, and it makes no sense why he won’t file. His reasons are the financial side and he says it is really hard to deal with her. Sounds like leaving is about my only option.November 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm #726305
Money can be a HUGE deal in divorces as I wade through the rash of gay ones now happening to friends of mine… money is HUGE in divorces. Especially for the breadwinner…November 7, 2017 at 6:59 pm #726306
The situation isn’t going to change. I’m sure money IS an issue, but it’s not the only issue here. This is not how a guy acts who’s not still emotionally entangled with his wife and is ready for a relationship.November 7, 2017 at 7:06 pm #726307
His letting you write that letter is pretty messed up, too. It’s like he has no autonomy or control over his own business, so he lets women pull his strings. His wife is in control here, and he can’t or won’t do anything about it, so he sits back and lets you try to fight her for him. Bad news.