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“My Boyfriend Wants to Stay With Me and Commute to His High Risk Job”

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  • #964316 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    “I have been in an off-again-on-again long distance relationship for almost 7 years. For the first three years of the relationship we lived in the same location, but for the last four we have been living in separate cities but in the same state. The relationship was intense when we lived in the same city but has waned quite a bit with distance.
    Covid-19 numbers were relatively low throughout the past several months in our state, but are starting to increase in both our cities: in his location more than mine. He has just received permission to work from home on a one-week-at-home, one-week-at-the-office basis and he wants to move in with me and commute back and forth.
    The problem with this is that he is in contact with many different people when he is in the office, and I am a health care worker, caring for elderly patients. On top of this, Public Health in our state has restricted travel out of his location due to a large number of recent outbreaks that are not yet under control.
    I have no problem with him staying with me, and I understand he is worried but I’m not cool with him travelling back and forth from a restricted area and potentially bringing the virus along. I don’t want him to move in unless he can work from home for longer periods. I feel that the whole reason this thing is getting out of control is that so many people think they are the exception to the rule- and I want him to wait until Public health lifts the travel ban.
    He has been really pressuring me and, when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him commuting back and forth every week, he stopped talking to me. It has been three days since I heard from him and I feel guilty. Am I being unreasonable?

    #964318 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    No, you are not being unreasonable. He’s being unreasonable, childish, manipulative….

    #964320 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Nope. He is.

    Look, it’s not a good idea to move in anyway, even if you take the pandemic off the table. Moving in together should happen because your relationship is flourishing and you’re secure enough to take the next step. It should not happen out of convenience, and/or in the hope that it’s going to fix a dying relationship. It won’t.

    But more important than that, he’s being such an asshole. I don’t need to go into why, you laid it all out very well.

    I think this relationship was on life support anyway, and now that he’s shown how little regard he has for anyone but himself, it’s time to just end it. In any case, DO NOT contact him, and if he contacts you, don’t give in. Anything else is just condoning and enabling his terrible behavior.

    #964323 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    He is being absolutely unreasonable. The work from home policy is garbage too. We’ve known from the start that quarantine is 2 weeks. We learned people can be completely and totally asymptomatic. So someone can come into work, shed virus willy-nilly and everyone goes home and brings it to their families. Then those family members go do things and poof – your patients have now been exposed.

    The wedding in Maine that killed 7 people – not one of the dead attended the wedding. They all were exposed by party goers.

    Your boyfriend doesn’t care enough about keeping you healthy let alone your patients. Let him go.

    #964324 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    I don’t even understand the thought process here. Presumably, your BF has a place to stay in his own city. Why does he even need to stay with you? Anyway, everyone else is right. He’s being unreasonable and irresponsible and this relationship has run its course. If he reaches out to you, don’t respond. Consider it over and done and free up your energy for a better relationship.

    #964333 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “He has just received permission to work from home on a one-week-at-home, one-week-at-the-office basis …”

    LOL, wut!? This makes no sense at all. What a stupid policy. How would that possibly accomplish any mitigation? Is he telling the truth about this?

    Long-distance relationship for four years running is not great in the first place, not unless there is some really compelling reason for it **AND** an end in sight. Add to that his PRESSURING you on BASIC safety and acting like a child (not speaking to you? seriously?). This is a great time to break up and move on to a happier, freer life.

    #964335 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You are a healthcare worker caring for elderly patients. That gives you a moral and professional responsibility to refuse his request. You would be a very unprofessional person if you accepted this arrangement. This is true regardless of the state of your relationship or the maturity of your bf.

    Your bf seems recklessly childish and uncaring about your legitimate concerns, and now he thinks he will sulk his way into getting what he wants. Wtf! Your relationship sounds far from great. Certainly not worth risking your health, your job, and the health of those you have a professional obligation to protect. I agree with the other posters. He has shown himself to be a childish, selfish, asshole who does not have your best interests at heart.

    #964342 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Your boyfriend is simply 100% wrong here. He may be a great guy —- but he is woefully out to lunch on this subject. Hold your ground!

    #964343 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Another thought – hospitals and care centers are already struggling to keep reasonable staffing levels. Any nurse being exposed and potentially exposing other nurses means you run into staffing shortages which leads to gaps in care.

    You’d be putting your co-workers and their families at risk too.

    #964345 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    You are being entirely reasonable and altruistic, if everyone was as measured as you many lives would be saved. If he will not listen to you he really isn’t worthy.Thank you so much for the work that you do; ask him to stay away if these are his parameters; until a vaccine is in place, he is being careless with others’ lives– if he won’t, bin him as you deserve someone who cares about you and those you care for.

    #964663 Reply
    avatarbagge72
    Participant

    What are your contact levels with him now? Are you seeing him in person now? If so then what is the difference? I mean if you have no contact with him except for the occasional meet up with masks on then yeah he’s being a major dick here, and is making light of everything that is going on. But if you see him regularly with no masks on, then you are putting yourself and your patients at high risks, and he probably doesn’t see a difference between seeing you regularly or living with you. Also yes his companies policy is a joke, and it shows they really don’t take this seriously if they have the ability to work from home and they don’t. I understand some companies need to have people in the office with other people for certain reasons, but there are ways to have you work from home, and make it much safer for when you need to go into the office for those instances.

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