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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend’s best friend

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by avatarbrise.
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  • #886409 Reply

    Hello everyone

    First of all I’m not an English native speaker so I’m sorry if I make mistakes. I’m in a relationship for almost 1 year, I’m 20 and he’s 23. Everything’s fine between us but I’d like to hear a second opinion about his best friend. I will call his best friend Hugo to make the story easier to explain. From the beginning I get along with Hugo, he and my boyfriend are often together so in the beginning of our relationship the three of us often went out for a drink or dinner. We were always having fun together so I don’t got any problem by being in his company. I noticed Hugo started to feel more comfortable with me while when i was just together with my boyfriend he was a bit shy. One time my boyfriend was upset, a friend of him said Hugo looks in love when he’s talking to me and he talks often about me. I pretended to be surprised, there happened some suspicious things before and i actually had this feeling from the first day i met Hugo, I always felt a type of chemistry between us, I noticed his body language, how he talks to me but my feeling could be wrong. I didn’t want to embarrass myself and make my boyfriend upset for no reason. Months went by, i took some distance from Hugo, we didn’t text and see eachother often. Nothing special happened until some weeks ago. Hugo started texting me about some problems in his life, I listened to him and we talked about it the whole evening. When i woke up the next morning i got a deleted message from him, i asked him what he texted me. I wish I could post screenshots of our chat but i have no idea how. So short story about the conversation he told me he was afraid and shy to tell me but he’s in love with me, he has a crush on me since the first time he saw me, he doesnt know what to do with it and asked me for advice, he’s confused bcs im the girlfriend of his best friend and doesn’t know how to handle this, he asked me if it will change something… So i tried to convince him to talk about it with my boyfriend, he told me he will never tell him and asked me not to tell him. I called my boyfriend and told him he has to talk to Hugo bcs something happened. He met Hugo in the evening and after their conversation I received a message from Hugo “I was messing with you the whole time”. He told my boyfriend he was kidding me bcs he was bored and forgot to text me it was a joke… Anyway my boyfriend didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks but in the meantime they are friends again. My boyfriend believes he was joking or actually i think he wants to believe it cuz they are already best friends for more than 7 years and doesn’t want to end this friendship. It keeps running through my mind. Was this a joke or not? Can someone give me advice please?

    Kind regards

    #886411 Reply

    No, it wasn’t a joke! He did a shady-ass thing by going behind his friend’s back and confessing feelings for his girlfriend. That’s not cool. He got caught and lied about it so as not to blow up the friendship.

    I don’t know what you want to do about it, but that’s what happened. He’s shady and a liar.

    #886414 Reply

    Stay away from this guy. Your boyfriend can be friends with him, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. You don’t have to be rude, but don’t counsel him about his problems, hang out with him, text him, etc.

    Put max distance between you and Hugo (who is shady, yes) and be happy with your boyfriend.

    #886424 Reply

    No, it wasn’t a joke.

    So what do you do? That’s sort of up to you, but I’d strongly suggest that the side text-conversations with Hugo stop altogether. No more listening to his sad stories. You have no reason to be talking to this guy unless he’s with you and your boyfriend and you’re all having a conversation together.

    So what if he texts you with some sad tale about how hard his life is? I’d tell him to talk to your boyfriend about it. Or, “You can tell John and I all about it when we have dinner on Tuesday. I have to go.” Don’t give him any sign that you’re available to talk separately.

    If he brings up his feelings again, I’d tell him that you’re not interested, you’re with your boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him, and please don’t bring the topic up again.

    Really – his crush on you is not your problem. It isn’t. It’s not your job to manage his feelings. He can get over his crush, or he can distance himself from the two of you.

    Of course, all of that assumes that you’re even comfortable being around Hugo. If you’re not, it’s OK to tell your boyfriend that. Just say the “joke” really freaked you out, and you’d rather the two of them spend time together.

    I know you feel bad about the discomfort between your boyfriend and his friend, but *it’s not your fault*. You’ve done nothing wrong here. Hugo’s the one who messed things up.

    #886480 Reply

    “I confessed to having feelings for you as a joke! Hilarious, right?”

    This guy is either a horrible liar and told the dumbest lie in a panic, or thinks you and your boyfriend are idiots.

    Distance yourself from him until further notice. Their friendship is likely to be strained over this, but unfortunately, this the age that old friendships become strained

    In the future, if this happens again with someone else, telling them to talk to your boyfriend about it was probably not the best move. There was no need to put him in the middle at that point.

    #886483 Reply

    Frankly, the situation is classic. It is not so much about you. It has more to do with friends rivalry. The woman is just an object here. Don’t believe that he is madly in love with you. He likes you, but he prefers your friend.
    I wouldn’t have spoken of it to the boyfriend though. When someone confesses their feelings: remain mute about it, especially if they ask you not to speak of it to other people. This is always a private matter and the best thing you can do about it, out of respect. He shouldn’t have had that conversation with you, it was inappropriate of him, and now the situation is clearer for both of you. I think you have a bit too much interest in him as well, so just let him deal with it. He found his escape script with his friend, and you will hang out as a couple in the future, not as a trio, which is more mature and better anyway. Later, this friend will have his own girlfriend and the situation will be less tensed, but also much less close. This is how it goes. Stop thinking of it, he will be fine.

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