As someone who had step parents with very different approaches to step-parenting, I hate seeing step parents who consider the child to be “other”. Seriously, family is what you make it not your blood.
My step mother resented me. After 26 fucking years of her being my step mother I was telling some plans and she said “It’s a good thing you’re not my daughter.” 26 years.
My stepfather on the other hand referred to me as his daughter from day one. His whole family took me in as one of theirs. Never overstepped on the discipline (that was mom’s job) but never EVER made me feel unwanted or not part of the family unit. I sat by his side when he was in hospice. I told him how much he added to my life and how mom and I got lucky with him. I meant every word.
I’m sorry LisforLeslie, it sounds like your mother and stepfather really healed a lot of damage. I don’t know what can be done with people like your step-mom. I wish you hadn’t had to live with that attitude.