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Dear Wendy

My boyfriends father and brother are damaging our relationship

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  • #874218 Reply
    avatarEmilyAnneMann
    Participant

    My boyfriend owns a house with his elder brother and their elderly father rents a room off them. 2 years ago me and my boyfriend made the decision that we should move in together and get our own place. However to do this i have had to move in with my boyfriend, his brother and his dad for now, to allow us both to save money for a mortgage. It all seemed great to start with as i knew i could save a lot of money while still being able to live with the person i love. However, i soon realised that i was not going to be happy with this arrangement.
    My boyfriends older brother is quite possibly the most difficult person to live with. He’s a 14 year old boy trapped in a 40 year olds body. He CANNOT and WILL NOT do a thing for himself or anyone else. He doesn’t ever wash his clothes or bed linen, which results in a foul smell coming from his bedroom. He doesn’t pay for any food, but eats more than anyone. He leaves a trail of destruction where ever he goes. He’s so utterly selfish and has zero respect for anyone. His dad has allowed him to live this way all of his life and is still looking after him like a child. My boyfriend is literally the polar opposite. A clean freak, completely independent, very generous and polite. It puts so much stress on us as we are constantly having to ‘tell him off’ or putting right the chaos he leaves behind.
    His father is blind to his sons behaviour and plays into his sons hands. He pays for all of his food, cooks all his meals and allows himself to be treated like a slave. However his father is no saint, he’s retired and doesn’t really do anything with his life except sleep in until 4pm and sit at his computer for the remainder of the day. He is so thrilled to have me there. He calls me his Daughter which is very sweet, but after being there for 2 years, i find his behaviour towards me very suffocating. He wants to treat me like he treats his lazy selfish son. I am used to living on my own, being a very independent person. He will use the food I’ve bought to make every one meals, opening literally every door in house for me, getting out of bed in the morning, to wake me up by walking into the bedroom because he’s worried i’m late for work (which i’m not). Insisting i don’t drive my car because it’s frosty outside, checks all my social media several times a day to check all is ok (he’s openly admitted this) I know he means well, but i am literally at my wits end! My boyfriend does all he can to try and stop all these things from happening but he’s so polite, he finds it difficult to be stern with his family. It’s now ended up that i’m just not a very nice person around his brother and his father. The second i’m in the house, i’m immediately irritated and feel like screaming. I’m short and snappy with his dad and i now have ZERO patience with his brother, so i’m just not very nice to him at all. He’s always at the end of a very sharp tongue with me. I’ve turned into a person i do not recognise. I love my boyfriend more than anything and he is literally the only reason i stay remotely sane. But we’re feeling the strain due to the frustration of living with his dad and brother. I’m so miserable when i’m at home, all i want is to live alone with my boyfriend but we just cannot save money fast enough! We want a mortgage, so we need to do it properly and make sure we have more than enough money to do it comfortably. But we are no where near that yet. I’m considering leaving and renting a place on my own but i know this will upset my boyfriend and will ultimately damage our chances of getting a mortgage as i wouldn’t be able to save anymore. But my mental health is so bad right now, i’m really struggling to keep it together. My resentment for his brother and dad is getting out of control. I don’t want to turn into a bitter, miserable person. My biggest fear is that my boyfriend will leave me because i’m so resentful of his family. What can i even do in this situation without damaging my mental health even further?

    #874277 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture.

    You’re in a relationship that has red flags waving all over the place. Not just because of your boyfriend’s father and brother, but because of the way your boyfriend interacts with them. And the last thing you should do is buy a house together when the relationship is unstable.

    Put another way, your relationship is being destroyed because you’re both fixated on a goal that isn’t the right one for either of you at the moment.

    Get an apartment. Move out. See what your relationship is like when you’re not in that godawful situation. But more importantly, see what happens with his family. Right now, he’s letting them walk all over him AND you. That’s not being polite, by the way, it’s cowardice. Will he continue to put them first when you’re in your own place? What if his father asks to move in with you, “temporarily?” Or his brother? What if they ask for money? Will he be able to say no? Will he consult you before making a decision?

    Keep in mind that a relationship with this man will include his father and brother, for the rest of their lives. Give yourselves a little distance and see how things play out. If it’s all good and he’s able to stand up to his family, then a few years of paying rent is no big deal at all.

    #874279 Reply

    You need to move out. I would take all of Essie’s above great advice and do an inventory of your relationship. How much have you saved in two years? Don’t buy a house with your bf. Take that off the table. I know you love him, but he’s living in a super dysfunctional home and that should give you some pause.

    But first, you need to move out of there. Your mental health is suffering. His father sounds really pretty creepy, honestly. Get out. Take a step back, reevaluate.

    Can he sell his half of the house? Can he get a tenant to take his room?

    #874281 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    What they said ^

    This is really not good:

    “I’m considering leaving and renting a place on my own but i know this will upset my boyfriend… But my mental health is so bad right now, i’m really struggling to keep it together. My resentment for his brother and dad is getting out of control. I don’t want to turn into a bitter, miserable person. My biggest fear is that my boyfriend will leave me because i’m so resentful of his family.”

    This is not a healthy, stable, nurturing relationship if your boyfriend would “get upset” and “leave you” because you need to prioritize your mental health. If you can’t discuss your mental health with him. If he can’t manage his family in a way that’s conducive to your happiness.

    You need to be able to talk to him about this.

    #874291 Reply
    avatarMinnie.Yvonne
    Participant

    I agree with all of the above comments. I was in a very similar situation with my boyfriend, and it got to a point where i couldn’t take it anymore. So I tole him I was moving out and he could stay where he’s at or move with me. He moved with me. No problems. Now that we have our own place we are very happy and are do not feel congested by unwanted people. But before he moved with me I lived in the place by myself for a month. So definitely give yourself some time first. Also he should not allow his family to walk all over you.

    #874430 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    Rent a house with roommates you choose and save a little less $ and a lot more sanity. This sounds unsustainable from a mental health standpoint and I cannot believe that you have put up with this for so long. Its like saying, “We want to buy a house so we decided we will live in an group home/homeless camp/bus station/under an overpass”. It defies logic. The house sounds repulsive, your BIL is a 4 star loser and your FIL is a stalker. He barges into your bedroom to _wake you up_??? Are you sure hes not trying to get a peek at your body? He stalks your social media??? It sounds like he is sexually obsessed with you and that makes me want to throw up on your behalf. Move out, either with your BF or without… Let me guess, he proposed this “arrangement” to begin with. Its a shit arrangement and it follows that he has bad judgement. Don’t let him call the shots on this… this is not working _for you_….

    #874431 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Um.. for a lot of this anyway… it’s actually YOUR fault. NEWSFLASH: You can’t move into the home of other people and then suddenly start telling them how to live their lives. Sorry — you just can’t. Nor do you really have the right to constantly “tell them off” for breaking your rules or living up to your standards.

    #874434 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    If you’ve been in this situation for two years, and you still “aren’t even close” to saving enough money, then it doesn’t seem like a good plan.

    #874436 Reply

    Yeah, I’m not sure how you’ve been saving for two years and nowhere near the goal. Obviously, this situation isn’t helping you guys save all that much.

    A mortgage isn’t worth your mental health. A mortgage isn’t worth living in this mess for even a few more years. It’s killing your relationship and your quality of life. His father is creepy. It gives me chills thinking of him walking in on you every morning. That’s creepy AND your bf is doing next to nothing to stop any of this behavior, which on it’s own is a huge red flag.

    You definitely need to step back and think hard about how you believe your bf would leave you if you moved out. If you truly believe that, you shouldn’t be saving to invest in property with him. You need to come first in his life, not his shitshow family.

    Move out. For your self. If your bf leaves you, it might hurt but it actually might be a blessing in disguise.

    #874452 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I’m not sure how the dad walks in on you every morning and stalks you several times a day if he sleeps until 4 pm? A consistent narrative is key.

    Regardless, it’s been two years. Move out. Live with roommates if you have to. Make some changes, not with the bro and dad because you can’t change them, but with yourself and your situation. Presumably you visited your boyfriend before you moved in? I’d think you’d have some idea how they all lived?

    #874453 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Are you the one who’s saving? I’m thinking if your bf and his brother bought a house together, they’re paying a mortgage. So by you moving in and not paying rent, that allows you to save money (in theory).

    But is your bf saving money? And how’s he going to get out of this co-ownership situation with his brother? Will they sell? Will his brother buy him out? Is there any equity in their house?

    Are you supposed to buy the new house and your boyfriend stays on the mortgage of the other one? I don’t get it.

    Bottom line though, you shouldn’t buy property with a partner you can’t talk to about your mental health and whose family is this fucked up and he’s so entangled with.

    #874472 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    I’m with the rest in that you need to move out.

    As you prepare to move out you need to do some self-reflection. How did you get yourself into this situation? What red flags did you ignore when moving in with his family. How did we’ll get a place of our own turn into we’ll live in his house with his dad and brother?

    You are only in this situation because you walked right into it. You chose it. Think about that and figure out how to pay more attention to warning signs of probable problems. You don’t want to move out of that house in such a rush that you ignore signs that your new roommates would be a bad fit.

    It’s time to start talking to your boyfriend. Do the two of you intend to marry? If so, when? Are you planning to buy a house together before getting married? Are you both saving money? Will you both pay equal amounts for a house? Make sure you aren’t the one paying for everything but his name goes on the mortgage as a co-owner. You need to own what you pay for. Can he rent his room in the house he is buying with his brother? Can he sell his share of that house to someone?

    If you can’t discuss your mental health with him you aren’t ready to live together, let alone buy a house together. Is he willing to move out of the house you are all living in? Does he intend to live with his dad and brother for the rest of their lives? Don’t make any assumptions. Ask the hard questions and listen to the answers. Remember that a waffly answer means no but I don’t want to tell you no because you might leave me.

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