- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by Allornone.
March 23, 2020 at 11:03 am #878299tiltedfluytParticipant
There’s so many factors within my story, I’m struggling to know where to start. I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend (32) for two years. He’s my first truly serious relationship and in many ways is my vision of a dream boat. He is handsome, masculine, calm, kind, compassionate, an animal lover. We met online and were long distance for the first 6 months at which point I decided I couldn’t do it anymore, and in response, he made the ballsy decision to come live with me. I was thrilled, even though it did take some adjusting; I’d been completely single and abstinent for 3 years prior, and had lived entirely alone with my cat for 2 years at that point, so “compromise” wasn’t exactly in my skill set. We’ve overcome a lot and I believe our relationship is one that generally gets better with time.
However, there’s been a few major bumps on the way. Back in September, we went on this amazing vacation that I planned to the mountains for a wine tasting. The day we got back, I was browsing Instagram and saw that he’d liked a video of some Instaslut with her ass the main focus of the camera. I was hurt. I’d been struggling with weight gain and body image and I just felt like total shit about myself. We just came back from this perfect romantic getaway together and I felt like he preferred a video to me, his girlfriend right in front of him. We talked about it, and he was sorry, but he also pointed out that I was projecting my insecurities. I agreed even though I made it clear that regardless, I didn’t agree that following people like that on social media was okay, and I (on my own accord) permanently deleted ALL of my social media accounts. I’ve not gone back. No fake account for snooping or games or deals or whatever, nothing. I recently downloaded the Pinterest app back on my phone, but that is my only “social media” outlet.
My boyfriend, however, is as addicted to his phone as ever. This last Saturday, he was glued to his phone from the time he woke up (9am) to when he went to bed around 10pm. I was annoyed AF and spent the majority of the day sitting outside in the sunshine, filling out my planner and calling to check in with family, etc. Trying to make the most out of a disappointing situation. On Sunday it was gross outside but whenever he’d be on his phone for more than a few minutes, I’d just leave his proximity. Prior to this weekend, I’d sit at his feet, periodically try to get his attention but I start feeling invisible at best and a nuisance at worst, and I’m tired of it. So I tried a different tactic and I spent most of the Sunday in the bedroom. He knew something was up by bedtime but we never talked about it.
When he’s on his phone, he mostly flips between 2-3 games and chats with people on Facebook messenger. I’ve started to get suspicious; he’s not necessarily protective over his phone but if we’re looking at something together on it and a text/messenger notification pops up, he’s VERY quick to flick it out of the screen. I also just don’t understand what’s SO interesting that you’d rather be on your phone ALL DAY rather than interacting with the living, breathing person in the room whose presence you claim to enjoy. The only time I’ve ever been so glued to my phone like that was when I was chatting with him back at the beginning of our relationship. So yeah, it makes me say, “hmmm.” He’s never been romantic and not really the type to compliment or anything, and so it bothers me when he gets giddy to mention other girls – never in a sexual way. But for example, one time he started talking about an old coworker he’d worked with named Genevieve and how she was the best and would always make an extra cookie just for him. And then for a full week afterwards, anytime the name Genevieve was featured in a movie or TV show or whatever, he’d say, “Genevieve!” That was annoying AF. And then he comes home from work (he’s an electrician) after doing some testing at a local dessert cafe and he was so giddy to tell me she’d given him his favorite dessert for free. And then he went on to tell me about all the little things he’d get from women when he worked for a delivery company. He’s a really good looking guy and there’s no ring on his finger, so he and I both know the intentions of these ladies.
I’ve worked extremely hard with professional help to improve my self-esteem, body image, depression and trust issues, and I’ve come a long way. I’ve got a ways to go, but it’s starting to register that what other people say and do is not a reflection of my value, and I’ve taken the steps to get into another line of work (success!), invest in myself and better manage my diet and exercise to lose some fat – the main triggers of my depression. After a lot of distance, I don’t think social media is that good for anyone and so I’ve stayed off it still. I’m a hot-headed Italian girl in my mind, but when it comes to actually outwardly dealing with things, confrontation is the bane of my existence. On the other hand, I don’t want to live in the dark if there’s something I need to see and even if there isn’t, I can’t live as the third wheel to a damn phone and feeling like such a major “work in progress” to my own romantic partner.
Mostly, this is just a rant – but I’d love to hear similar experiences from you guys, advice, etc. The good and the bad.March 23, 2020 at 11:51 am #878307anonymousseParticipant
Wow…that is pretty ballsy to have a online bf move in after six months.
The one huge issue I’m seeing is that you are not (at least from what you wrote) communicating about any of your feelings, how his addiction to his phone bothers you, etc etc. You say he’s calm, kind and compassionate. So talk to him. Talking to him about your feelings is not a confrontation. Remain calm. Write down what you want to say at first, maybe.
Why did you delete all of your social media in response to him liking a butt video? I get it, you don’t like social media-which is fine, but now you have no idea what he’s doing on SM.
What’s the main issue, that he’s still on his phone all day, or that you’re suspicious? You need to separate the issues you have and probably not lay it all on him at once. Think about what you need to feel better. Think about what’s actually fair and rational. Separate your insecurities from this. You don’t like hearing about women giving him attention. You don’t like him being on his phone in front of you. You are suspicious he’s interested in other women.
Have a heart to heart. And feel alright about asking him to put his phone away once in awhile.March 23, 2020 at 1:00 pm #878318CurlyQueParticipant
Your reaction to him liking a video on instagram was over the top!
1. Don’t use the term “instaslut”. Are you a child?
2. What someone “likes” on social media amounts to nothing
3. Your response was to get mad and then delete all your social media! I’m glad he realized it was your insecurity and therefore your problem to deal with and not his. I’m also glad you deleted your social media since you realized you couldn’t handle it. It does not mean however, that your way is right and his way is wrong. If you want to interact with him more, then initiate. Suggest games to play, etc.March 23, 2020 at 1:38 pm #878324JenniferGuest
I assuming your boyfriend is not a mind reader. You’re upset about something, and instead of saying, hey dude, why don’t you put down the phone and do (insert activity here), you’re deciding instead to be passive aggressive about it. Just talk to him about it! I’m bored, let’s watch a movie. Hey, I found this board game in the closet, you want to play? I’d be willing to bet, you’d get a lot more traction suggesting an alternative than pouting hoping he gets the hint. Sometimes when my husband falls down the phone rabbit hole, I’ll take a picture of me and text it to him with something funny like, your wife would love some attention. He’ll see it right away and it typically breaks the phone trance. And the swiping away of the message so quickly, I do that too with even the most innocuous of messages. I just don’t want it cluttering up my screen and just want it off. If you talk to him about it, and he blows off your request to put the phone down more often, THEN you have a problem. People can’t fix what they don’t know to be a problem.March 26, 2020 at 11:26 am #878571DonnaGuest
I would say, without including anything that hurt your feelings such as him liking sexualized pictures on instagram, that a 32 year old man who can’t put his phone down from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed last night, is not a guy you are going to be able to rationalize with or do anything to affect his behavior. If you are a mature adult who is always striving for balance and to improve yourself, how could you expect to be compatible with this personality type? It’s going to be impossible for you to do that.March 26, 2020 at 11:48 am #878578BittergaymarkGuest
One anecdote revealed to me just how BUNK this whole letter was. The whole him screaming “Genevieve!” at the TV story. Really! This… actually happened? Uh, huh. Sure.
NEWSFLASH: I don’t think I have EVER had that name pop up once on TV in my life much less endless times repeatedly in the same week.
Sorry, I call b.s.
Look, you are clearly to insecure to date somebody right now — much less cohabitate.
PS — calling somebody an i instaslut paints you as instaunpleasant among other choice words I deliberately chose to avoid.March 26, 2020 at 12:49 pm #878585AllornoneGuest
Please refrain from using the term “instaslut” or really anything with the word “slut” in general. It’s 2020, the double-standard is eroding; women, like men, should be able to embrace and express their sexuality in a healthy (though consensual and legal) manner without threat of shaming, especially by other women. Believe it or not, her pictures do not harm you in any way. Your boyfriend would just find someone else attractive. It’s human nature, for both men and women. I love my bf madly and would never cheat; that don’t mean I don’t dig me some Michael Fassbender *(that voice, yo). So don’t spend your time insulting women you don’t know. As women, we need to help each other rise above the patriarchal standards of this world, not keep each other back. So you do you. Let her do her.