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“My Boyfriend’s Too Close with His Brother’s Girlfriend”

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  • #661511 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I have been in a relationship for about 3 1/2 years. When I met my boyfriend, he was living with his brother, roommate-style, and his brother had a girlfriend of about two years. Things were going great until I started to notice little things between my boyfriend and his brother’s girlfriend, like: she would go in his room and lie on his bed even with me there. They would touch each other and poke each other. One day I was leaving for work and it was just the three of us in the house and they both seemed anxious and they both walked me to the door as if they were rushing me to leave. We all went on vacation together and he would stare at her entire body in such an obvious way I’m shocked his brother didn’t notice. I catch him staring at her every time she’s around. He also had a small bruise on his hand one day and as soon as she sat next to him she noticed it. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that; I’m just saying she is extremely attentive to him. Another time, my boyfriend was in the shower in our room and she came in looking for tissue and I said he’s in the shower right now. She went in the bathroom anyway knowing he was in there and naked. She seems to be too comfortable for my liking. Another day he picked me up and when we got back to his house it was just her there and she peeked her head out from his brothers room and he ran to her and I couldn’t hear what was said but I was in mid sentence when he did it. But when it’s just me and him if she comes up in conversation he talks bad about her and how she isn’t really “wife material” for his brother and how he doesn’t think she’s pretty or even said her breath stinks sometimes. I’m so damn confused. The energy when she comes around shifts between us and I can feel it to an extreme. This stopped for a while but recently we were at a family event and when his brother and her showed up my boyfriend seemed to get more excited and took his camera out and started to film her. They are just very flirty and laughy with each other. I know they have a close bond, what I don’t know is if it’s completely normal and brother/sister like or if this is sexual tension and they have feelings for each other. I did bring this to my bf’s attention and it turned into a very bad argument. He accused me of being jealous and insecure when I was just trying to tell him some of these things are making me uncomfortable. He told me why would he do that to his brother and if I brought it up again he would leave the relationship. I’m starting to feel like they have had sex or are secretly having sex or are in love with each other. I almost feel like I have to compete for my bfs attention when this girl is around and I shouldn’t have to feel like that. That is his brothers girlfriend. He is just way too involved in their relationship and is always a threesome with them and leaving me out. It’s getting annoying. I want some serious outside opinions or if anyone has experienced this or has even been on the other side of this situation. I’m tired of feeling like this and am honestly thinking of leaving this relationship.

    #661518 Reply
    Avatar photoMonkeysmommy

    This doesn’t seem normal at all to me. I am close with my BIL and maybe wouldn’t bat an eye if I had to walk into the bathroom while he is in the shower, but this seems to go beyond that. It is also off that he got so defensive that he said he would leave you if you ever mentioned that again. His defense may have been “why would I do that to my own brother “, but the truth is that it happens all the time. Maybe there is nothing to it. Maybe he has a crush on her and she enjoys knowing it and stringing him along. Either way, it wouldn’t be something that I would be okay with.

    #661521 Reply

    Time to MOA. Your relationship isn’t working. Given what you say, your role in your bf’s life is rapidly shrinking to merely being a propriety screen to allow him to be around his brother’s gf without causing a rift with his brother. He may not be having a relationship with her, but he certainly sounds infatuated. You are no longer his primary love interest.

    #661522 Reply
    Northern Star

    You are right to be concerned, and it’s probably best to leave the relationship. At minimum, you don’t feel like a priority anymore. You don’t have to accept that from your boyfriend, regardless of the reasons behind it.

    You’ll find someone better—someone who isn’t interested in banging his brother’s girlfriend.

    #661539 Reply

    Worst-case scenario is he is cheating with her. Best-case scenario is that he isn’t into you and gets distracted easily because of it. Him insulting her could easily be him trying to overcompensate or just his frustration at her being with someone else, so don’t let it convince you that everything is cool.

    #661540 Reply
    Avatar photoStonegypsy

    Him speaking badly about her sounds like a deflection tactic. And no one who isn’t doing *something* shady gets that defensive at being told that something they are doing is making you uncomfortable.
    I normally am not one to immediately jump to “He’s cheating” but that is exactly what it sounds like. You should move on.

    #661544 Reply
    Avatar photoJuliecatharine

    His reaction to you bringing it up is very telling. You should trust your gut.

    #661547 Reply

    The fact that he said “I wouldn’t do that to my brother” rather than “I wouldn’t do that to you” is very telling. He could at least have said he wasn’t interested in her. He practically admitted the only reason he doesn’t go after her is because of his brother. I’m sorry, but I’d move on if I were you.

    #661548 Reply

    In all honesty, after reading this fully . I believe he is fucking his sister and deflection because at times he does feel like shit. I can see this blowing up. I Can def see how it’s also suspicious that they nearly rushed you outta the house. After that, i actually, if i was in your shoes, I would have talked to the brother on a personal level and told him all this and seen what his take on it was, then maybe install a spy came for when the house is left to just your bf and the gf.

    #661564 Reply

    Once you get to spy cam levels of paranoia you should probably move on yesterday.

    #661567 Reply

    I was really expecting someone to be like, he chose YOU! He wants to be with you, not her! Why are you so paranoid?! Glad no one did, because this isn’t normal and I wouldn’t put up with it, I’d walk, for all the reasons people said.

    #661571 Reply

    You need to confront both of them in public, in front of the brother and the BF’s family. Some sort of formal family event (wedding, christening, bris) would be best. If they argue, scream over them. It’s the only way to get to the truth.

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