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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My dad admitted my halfbrother may have molested me and he did nothing about it.

Home Forums Advice & Chat My dad admitted my halfbrother may have molested me and he did nothing about it.

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  • #1102757 Reply
    WhirlwindFiat
    Guest

    A little while ago, my dad told my family about some posts his ex-wife left on his social media out of the blue. Among her long-winded rant, she accused him of molesting his daughters. (His daughters from his first family; I’m from his second marriage.)

    Long story behind this, but basically my family (my mom and I) don’t believe her because she’s a very unreliable narrator and terrible person due to many reasons. She was just being a hateful person because he recently announced some new projects of his and that’s where she left the comments.

    But then, my dad said he wanted to tell me (he already told my mom) a lifelong secret of his, in case others in the family would tell me before he had a chance to. That being, when he was about 7-14ish, him and his siblings would engage in consensual sex. This absolutely shocked me.

    Then, amongst him telling these two things to me, I guess in a defense of himself of how others can’t judge or accuse him, he mentioned he saw something suspicious my half brother did to me when I was 4 and my brother was about 18. That I was in bed sleeping one night, and he walked past my bedroom with my half brother standing over me, and when they saw he each other, my brother started acting awkward, eventually saying omething about he was just tucking me in. My dad wondered then and all those years later if he was touching me inapporiately, but he decided to drop it, but obviously hasn’t forgotten it.

    (Note: that brother moved when I was also 4/5, so I never grew up with him and he’s basically a stranger to me now.)

    This is relevant, because my half bro (now in 40s) has been recently imprisoned for CSA (unrelated to any family members.) My dad has yet to tell me what happened/what he did/if he’s guilty, and I haven’t found a good time to ask him yet. But they speak on the phone every day, as my dad wants to support him while he’s in jail.

    I’ve never felt uncomfortable around my dad, but all these revelations are just leaving me reeling.

    #1102758 Reply
    WhirlwindFiat
    Guest

    I don’t feel traumatized. In truth, I’m not. I don’t even have any recollection of this event. My dad is a paranoid person sometimes so maybe that’s why he was suspicious then but also dropped it.

    Sexual abuse was rampant in my dad’s family. He told me before his brothers were basically sexually assaulted by neighborhood girls in their 20s, while they were 9. Of course they thought it was consensual back then, but now they know better. And I don’t remember if he saw it personally, but his uncle tried to rape his mom.

    Those things I knew already, enough to reckon with. These new things on top of it…

    #1102759 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    Look, we told you your dad is incredibly problematic on your last post about how he calls your sisters bitches and hoes. This is so, so, so much worse. What do you want us to tell you? He sexually abused his siblings. He sexually abused his older daughters. How long are you going to stay there believing his bullshit? This is disgusting, and here you are again parroting his absolutely untrue claims. Get. Out. Of. There.

    #1102760 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    You need some serious therapy to untangle all the fucked up shit your dad did to you. You don’t know how toxic and dangerous he is because you’ve been raised in it. Get out from under his roof & control. Then seek therapy

    #1102764 Reply
    Raja
    Guest

    I think, no matter what you decide to do the important thing in this whole story is you.
    How do YOU feel about this?

    I too think you should talk to a therapist about this. It must be very difficult to be in your position so I can only empathise with you.

    In this situation I think it would be best for you to put yourself first. If you feel unsafe, listen to your gut feeling. There is nothing to be ashamed of and if it really did happend and you wish to do/talk more/confront people about it, maybe you should. No matter what is the decision you take from this point forward, just make sure you put your needs and wants first.

    Hopefully this helps a little,
    Stay strong!

    #1102768 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Your father telling you about his incestual sexual relationships, offhandedly mentioning maybe you were abused, all this gross, boundary smashing stuff smacks of serious dysfunction and gross abuse.

    Your posts creep me out and scare me. They make me feel sick to my stomach. Please seek professional help and move away from your father and your sick family. You are so entrenched in it you can’t see how wrong it is.

    This is not some deep mystery that you want to uncover. Your father grew up in a sexually abusive environment and he’s sick. That’s the mystery. Now it’s time to get out of this situation and get better.

    #1102769 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Your mom isn’t reliable either. She’s gone along with every abusive thing your father has done, either because he’s abusing her too, or because she needs to tell herself he knows best and is a good person because she’s been with him for decades and has nothing else. Women do this all the time. They turn away from abuse of their OWN kids, and it’s likely easier when it’s another woman’s kids. You need to be aware that their joint narrative is totally unreliable, and that it is obvious to the outsider here that your dad has perpetuated intergenerational SA. He’s tacitly allowed your brother to do it because he’s done it himself.

    #1102771 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    And I’m not comfortable with you posting any further in a way that tries to normalize child SA. Unless you’re posting about getting help, getting away, or seeing your father’s sick bullshit for what it is, don’t.

    #1102772 Reply
    WhirlwindFiat
    Guest

    NEVER EVER would I normalize that. I think I will stop posting here anyway. I tried looking for a therapist before, and it was expensive for me, but I will try to work something out because I need and want to talk with someone. Thank you for the advice given.

    #1102773 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    You are normalizing it by talking about consensual sex between children, and by repeating what your dad tells you and believing it. You’re also denying someone else’s stated experience (your sisters) when you’ve actually had good firsthand reason to believe they were abused. That kind of stuff is triggering for people who are healing from abuse.

    #1102776 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    And you’ve said that you’re college educated and have a full time job. That’s great, because it means you have access to the kind of employment that offers healthcare where you can get therapy with just a copay. If you don’t have that, I think it should be a very high priority for you to find a job with better pay and benefits so that you can 1) move out, and 2) talk to someone who can help you see that your father is abusive and heal from it. And to set boundaries! Everything he’s saying to you is grossly inappropriate and I believe it’s a type of abuse just to speak to you about these things the way he does.

    #1102779 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Like you know arguably the internet as a whole is not the place to take your sexually abusive father stories, right? The place is to a professional. I would also suggest not having a relationship with your father at all for a long while. You need boundaries, serious boundaries.

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