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“My Daughter is in an Abusive Relationship”

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  • #861385 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    “My daughter is in a very unhealthy relationship. I do not know if he is physically violent or not but I suspect he is, they have a two-year-old together. She is a stay-at-home mom I don’t think she actually wants to get a job and I don’t think he would even allow her to get a job. what also concerns me is her total disregard for the family she is only allowed to come to our house for 2 hours for Christmas if it goes over 2 hours she starts getting stressed and angry and says she told him that they would only be there for two hours, he will sit in the car in the driveway and wait and then text her because he is angry that it takes longer than 2 hours. He was not going to let her go to her sister’s wedding so me and her dad went to her house and picked her and the baby up, her boyfriend threw a big fit out in the yard but ultimately she was able to calm him down and we left. he showed up at the wedding the next day and after the wedding day they went home but from what I’ve heard she paid for that. There have been so many other circumstances but I think you get the picture.. My step dad died Tuesday and she didn’t attend the funeral and ignored my messages as to if she needed a ride, the day after the funeral she messaged me back saying her child was sick so she couldn’t go, she hasn’t even called my mom and its been 5 days since his death. My stepdad has been a great dad and grandpa and is the only one my daughters have ever had a relationship with. I am at wits end and do not know what to do. It breaks my heart “

    #861390 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    It certainly sounds abusive and I don’t think you can hold your daughter responsible for being stressed if she stays longer than her BF says she can at an event. You don’t have to wear the consequences of that but she does and you’re making it out like she doesn’t care about her family. She risked being verbally or even physically abused to make you happy! Some compassion for her situation would go a long way towards empowering and enabling your daughter to see you as a safe space instead of someone she puts herself at risk for. First things first, never try to make her pick between him or you because you’ll never win and you’ll just strengthen his case against you with her. Never badmouth him to her. Keep the lines of communication open and always reiterate that you love her and if she ever decides to leave be the first person at the door with packing boxes and a place to stay. If you can’t manage that then step back because you’ll just make her life harder.

    #861393 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Eh… Cut her off and tell her you’ll pick her out a nice headstone.

    For when he KILLS her.

    Yep. My patience is at its end. Maybe dumb brats like your daughter truly deserve all the misery and bad shit they gleefully fuck into their lives. So happy to here she’s got a baby.

    #861397 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    I’m in the middle ground of Ange and Bittergaymark. Your daughter not reaching out to her grandmother over the death of her grandfather is on your daughter. Not coming to the funeral, maybe that’s the abusive guy.

    Either way, yes keep the channels of communication open with your daughter. Maybe one day she’ll leave him and knowing your a safe place will be very important. You also need to lower your expectations of her to literally nothing.

    #861486 Reply
    avatarKylie
    Guest

    @bittergaymark Honestly you’re a piece of shit. People come on here for advice and all I see you post is snotty/unnecessary comments. This woman came on here for help with her situation, not for you to be a dick. You never had patience to begin with. When you need advice, I hope to be the first to comment.

    Sure your life is perfect when all you do is linger on here and try to be nasty to others.

    #861491 Reply
    avatarKylie
    Guest

    As for the story, that is a difficult situation to be in. You want your daughter to be safe and more involved in your life, but she is in a place where it is even more difficult to do so. I am sure she acknowledges your pain and how you might feel about the situation, but hopefully she will realize what she needs. Do not push her away or make remarks to make her distance herself from you, but instead open your heart and home to her. Make it known that you are there to support her. In times of an abusive relationship, you tend to believe you have no support system and nobody is there for you. You have to be that light at the end of the tunnel for her.
    Do you babysit at all? Maybe that would give you a chance to show your daughter you care and spend time with your granddaughter? If she sees you care and recognizes how you want to support her, maybe she will finally just get tired of this guy and leave.
    Do you say anything to him when he goes through his rages? Have you ever had a bad experience directly with him? Is there a reason he is like this towards you all and your daughter?

    #861737 Reply
    avatarArtsygirl
    Guest

    LW – I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. While I cannot say for sure, her relationship has many of the traditional hallmarks of abuse. Whatever you do, do not let him isolate her further by making demands such as staying later or attending family functions. Know that he did not bring her to this state overnight and it will take time to get her to see the truth of abuse, especially since she might be embarrassed and fearful. While you cannot make her leave him, there are some proactive steps you can take to help. First, you can set up money in an emergency account for her and your grandchild. Let her know privately and in person (not over the phone where he might be listening in) that you have some money available if she needs to leave quickly since he is likely blocking her access to any funds. Second, look for a support group which you can attend for family members of domestic abuse victims. It will help you come to terms with what your daughter is going through and will help you better understand the resources available. Finally, you should set your priorities to the long and painful process ahead. Most domestic abuse victims will take seven attempts to leave their abuser. While I know you want to fix this now, your daughter needs to come to the decision and take steps to get herself and her child out of the situation. All you can do is offer her unwavering support and be willing to jump in and help if she requests it. Let her know how much you love her, how much you miss her, and that you will always be there for her.

    #861969 Reply
    avatarbrooklynkay
    Guest

    I’ve been reading this site for a few months now (and I really like Wendy’s advice), but I was compelled to leave my first comment after reading bittergaymark’s response. Nearly all of your comments come across as deeply woman-hating. I’m aghast that you say she might get killed by her partner and then call her a spoiled brat IN THE SAME BREATH, without a hint of irony. But, just to spell it out, many victims of abuse don’t dare leave their relationship for fear of getting killed. And many women who do leave get killed. There are endless statistics to back this up.
    I wonder if you suffered trauma at the hand of a woman during your formative years; you certainly tend to paint all women with the same broad and deeply misogynistic brush. But insinuating that a woman deserves to die at the hands of her abuser is not ‘bitter.’ It is unconscionable.

    #861974 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, wow, I just saw that. Completely unacceptable victim blaming bullshit.

    #861975 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    People make their own choices. The daughter has repeatedly made hers. Again and again. And again. Now she couldn’t even be bothered to call her own grieving grandmother? That is yet another choice. One that will have consequences..

    #861976 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Again and again the victim blaming.

    #861981 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Again and again, the victim enabling.

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