- This topic has 29 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by Helen.
- November 29, 2019 at 7:24 pm #861982BittergaymarkGuest
At any rate, all the LW can do is hope for the best. But be ready to be disappointed again and again and again. Keep the lines of communication open, but really — I wouldnt’ expect much.November 29, 2019 at 8:10 pm #861989
Victim enabling isn’t a thing. Your comments on this thread are disgusting.November 29, 2019 at 11:09 pm #862010FYIGuest
I dunno …
I see this as pretty victim-enabling:
“She risked being verbally or even physically abused to make you happy!”
No, she definitely did not. That’s not on LW. She’s not nagging her daughter, and she’s not selfish; she just wants her to stay alive, for chrissakes. Daughter risked being verbally or physically abused just by living normally. LW didn’t cause this; the abusive boyfriend did. Everybody supposed to orbit around this abusive asshole now? Not upset him? No. There are ways to handle this, and LW should call 1-800-799-7233 today to get help. That’s the national domestic violence hotline.
It’s awful to accuse the mom of being demanding just because she’s worried sick about her daughter, and rightly so.November 30, 2019 at 1:57 am #862027AngeGuest
It’s common sense to understand that if your daughter is being abused then of course she’s going to be stressed about staying longer than she was allowed by her abuser. LW instead instead made it all about how her daughter was being rude because of it. LW isn’t even the victim here, jesus christ. Yes she’s worried but about the entirely wrong thing if THAT’S what she complains about.November 30, 2019 at 3:11 pm #862080FYIGuest
That wasn’t the crux of her post. She’s worried about her daughter, and “don’t make her choose between you” doesn’t address the very real danger her daughter is in. LW needs to call the domestic abuse hotline. They’re the ones who are qualified to help her.November 30, 2019 at 6:44 pm #862106Andrea LetsenMember
LW – The best thing you can do for your daughter is make it crystal clear that you are there for her and your door will always be open should she need it. What’s even more concerning is the young child involved who didn’t ask for any of this.
I hope you are okay and I wish your daughter all the strength and courage she needs to get through this difficulty in her life and come out the other side healthy, happy and free from abuse.
Many people in abusive relationships do not realise they are being abused, which makes escaping it even more difficult.
I’m sorry that this is the circumstance for your daughter. Maybe its worth speaking to the police? Asking what options are available? At the very least it will mean there is a recorded log of concern regarding his behaviour towards her – which might help any future circumstances that involve the police.November 30, 2019 at 7:00 pm #862110anonymousseMember
She has suspicions of physical abuse, not evidence. Calling the police will do nothing but aggravate the situation at this point. The police would probably want to do a home visit to check for domestic abuse. It will make things worse for her daughter at home, and will further alienate her from her family. The LW will be painted as “the bad guy” trying to come in between them. Her daughter will be pulled further away from her family and have less options when she is ready to leave.November 30, 2019 at 7:45 pm #862115Andrea LetsenMember
I’m not sure about in the US but here you can contact the police and do a criminal history check on a person suspected of domestic abuse to see if they have a history of this sort of behaviour.
Also here, psychological and emotional abuse is starting to be considered as serious as physical and you are able to report it to the police.
It’s an awful and far too common situation and I really hope the daughter finds a safe way out for her and her daughterNovember 30, 2019 at 8:06 pm #862116
In the US I think she’d be better off talking to someone at a women’s shelter. They can help you figure out the best ways of being there for a daughter who’s being abused. If you’re being abused they can help you actually make a plan to get out. My aunt got a lot of help from a women’s shelter when she was in a brief abusive marriage.
*I mean a place specifically for women who are being domestically abused.
November 30, 2019 at 8:45 pm #862119ronGuest
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Kate.
FYI — A domestic abuse hotline can do nothing to help LW’s daughter, until the daughter reaches the point where she wants to leave her abusive bf. She obviously is not at that point — she was alone with her infant and her parents for two hours. She could have phoned the police or an abuse hotline had she wanted to. She didn’t want to. She also drove to her sister’s wedding with her infant and her parents. It would have been simple to get away then and call a domestic abuse hotline, if that is what she wanted to do.
I agree with many of the above posters. The best thing LW can do is let daughter know she will always be their for her and her child, if she feels she needs/wants to leave bf. It sounds like she has a 1-hour once a year window to escape bf if that’s what she wants. Of course, she’s also at home, while presumably he is at work, so if she can escape on her own, she can do it any work day. If she needs parental support, she has Christmas.
LW put that at risk and admits her daughter ‘paid for it’ by picking her up for her sister’s wedding. Was that about her daughter’s and grandchild’s best interest or did she and her husband just think this daughter ought to be at her sister’s wedding.
LW’s daughter is in a bad situation, but she can’t be helped until she recognizes on her own that she is in a bad situation that she wants to leave. At this point, if interviewed by police or social services and asked if she is abused, she is going to answer no. She wants to stay with this guy. Undoubtedly he has somewhat brainwashed her in a ‘Stockholm syndrome’ sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get her to say she is being abused.November 30, 2019 at 8:49 pm #862120
Totally agree with Ron, but also think it could be helpful for Mom to speak with some people who *know about domestic abuse*. Maybe they can tell her things to look for or things she can say.November 30, 2019 at 9:55 pm #862127FYIGuest
Calling the hotline isn’t going to cure the situation, no. But they are the ones who are qualified to advise the LW, not a bunch of randos on the internet. Call the people who know what they’re doing.