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Dear Wendy

“My Daughter is in an Abusive Relationship”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My Daughter is in an Abusive Relationship”

  • This topic has 29 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarHelen.
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  • #862137 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    You know, it’s not 1950. The idea that you shouldn’t put up with domestic violence or abuse is neither radical or some big revolutionary secret.

    It’s a God damn cliche at this point.

    So yeah… My patience for those who insist on putting up with this crap simply ran out a while back, I guess. I forget how everybody is a helpless victim in the eyes of most. But yeah. It bores me.

    #862173 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Right. Women should just stop putting up with getting abused. Then men will stop abusing women and that’ll be solved. Brilliant. I can’t believe no one has thought of this.

    #862222 Reply
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    Seriously, BGM, stop doubling down again and again on this. Just acknowledge that your flippant response screwed up. I don’t generally go off on you, and you know that, but either you have absolutely zero experience with victims of domestic violence or you’re saying things just to be controversial knowing they’ll start a flame war. Either way, your advice here makes you sound completely uneducated.

    Yes, it would be great if she’d realized the path she was on before it got this far. Unfortunately, most don’t; domestic violence is about control, and in most cases the abuser is manipulative enough that you don’t realize the extent of their control until you’ve already been completely isolated. I mean, let’s play this out for a second: she shows up at her mom’s house with her kid and says “I can’t do this anymore. Help us get out.” He’s still going to have custody and placement rights to the child, right? So he’s still going to get visitation with the child, without her present. How does she protect her child in that scenario? What’s to stop him from hurting the child, or kidnapping her (neither of which, by the way, are abstracts; a statistically significant percentage of cases like this have instances of child abuse or kidnapping involved). And that’s assuming everyone believes her when she leaves; in most cases the abuser is positioned as the more credible party, so he may get primary placement of the child after all. And then she has to make the choice of saving herself or saving her child, and surely you can’t be so eager to flame people here that you’d blame the child for what has gone on, would you?

    Listen, if I didn’t want to dox myself here I’d link you to the case files of a woman I represented for over 3 years before I had to tap out of the case because it took a toll on me. She was violently abused by her ex, and finally got the courage to divorce him, except he couldn’t handle the idea that she would DARE to leave him before he was done with her. So, for the last 8 years he has done everything he can to make her life a living hell. When she got a restraining order against him, he pulled a transcript from 3 years prior during his first divorce where he forced her to testify that he was never violent and a good dad, and demanded she be charged with perjury. The divorce was finalized in 2015, but he has continued to file motions in court, call CPS to do “welfare checks” on their daughter, and even told his daughter that if she loved him she’d tell her mom she wanted to see him more. Hell, he is STILL appealing the injunction we got against him in 2013 to the state Supreme Court; he’s arguing that it infringes upon his rights to free speech/expression and his right to bear arms! And she has to respond to every single filing, every motion, every demand, or he’ll move for default and the courts will grant it. And this is a guy who’s at least smart enough not to get caught with weapons pointed at her, and that’s a rarity in these cases.

    So, really, BGM, please find another thread to shit upon the daughter on. There’s plenty here where you’d be closer to the center of the target. But when you say things like you have here, you’re not practicing tough love; you’re just exposing your ignorance.

    #863514 Reply
    avatarAnon
    Guest

    @Guy Friday Thank you for this post. So few people are able to understand the intricacies of leaving a DV situation when there is a child involved. You explained it very well.
    If she stays, she is at least able to be a buffer between him and the child. If she leaves, she loses control of his interactions with the child, and that is terrifying.
    LW, unfortunately there isn’t a good answer here. She has to decide at what point staying becomes more dangerous than leaving. Until then, let her know that you love and support her and you’ll be there for you if she ever needs you. Because when she does leave it is likely to be incredibly scary for her, and she’ll need all the help she can get. If he really is abusing her, it’ll be the fight of her life. Some abusers just give up and walk away. Pray she is so lucky. If he digs in for a fight, he’ll do his best to destroy her.

    #863827 Reply
    avatarLelu
    Guest

    This is her child we’re talking about, perhaps u have overlooked the thousands of women that have been killed by male partners or since ur bitter n gay u just hate women anyway… we know ur type.. dismissed.

    #863984 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Lelu, no you’re dismissed. Take your gross homophobia elsewhere. How embarrassing for you

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